Before you read this story please check out this article where I explain the goal and the purpose for sharing my testimony of how corrosive the Kollel ideology was on my developing psyche and the harms it has caused me as a young adults.
I would often hear people I respected wax poetical about the virtue of the kollel lifestyle. This was a common conversation almost every shabbos during my formative teenage years and in many educational and social environments.
My father left the workforce shortly after we moved to Israel and my family joined the Kollel movement. I was very proud that we were part of this elite cohort. This of course meant that he had no money to pay for many basic necessities such as an extra pair of shoes or transportation to and back from school, but I gladly went without these luxuries inspired by the belief that I was not only taking part and sharing in the merit of his Torah learning but that these choices were preparing me for my ultimate purpose - to be the wife of a Kollel student.
I was reminded again and again that only a full time Torah scholar was a legitimate Jew. For a man to work was akin to idol worship or violating Shabbos. Furthermore, I was taught that a woman was incomplete and could only enter heaven through the study of her husband. I yearned for the day when I could feel a sense of pride in who I am. Feel comfortable in my own skin; feel that confidence that comes from knowing that I am worthy and that I belong.
I was meticulous in my dress and my actions assured in the promise that if I was modest I was guaranteed a great shidduch. I faced ridicule for my clothing choices but persevered knowing that I was headed towards something higher and my reward was promised. The denigration I would face if I deviated from this path would be even greater.
You see when I first moved to Israel I experienced ostracization due to my American background. Growing up as a proud orthodox Jew it was shocking to discover that I wasn't Jewish enough. Suddenly there were all these boxes and categories and a whole new set of rules had to be adopted in order to make the cut.
I stopped wearing denim skirts. Only prostitutes wear that, I was told. We gave up our roller blades and went along with the idea that bike riding, camping and all the other fun things we did in the states would now be a thing of the past. The same confusing message was conveyed regarding makeup. Lipliner is akin to being a zona - I was told. I had to look up the word as this was the first time I heard it so I didn't understand what it meant.
The day of my sister's wedding there was a huge commotion over the choice to hire a makeup artist, but if what was a stake was our dignity and our innocence perhaps this was justified. Or was it?
I constantly heard how we were not good enough because we were too materialistic and these neighbors lived a higher level of spirituality because they were poor and lived a more spartan lifestyle. Wealth became an ugly word material possession felt shameful and dirty.
The first year we lived in Israel there were constant conflicts between the American and Israeli factions, or so it seemed. Actually, many of the girls who were bothered by our Americanized values were children of American immigrants.
The tensions came to a head when my sister repeated some conversation she should not have and was promptly kicked put of school. I was sent as the emissary to beg the teacher to allow her to come back though I only spoke a broken Hebrew and didn't even understand at the time what she had done or why it was wrong.
This is all to explain my mindset going into 8th grade. All the rest of the more American contingent had left the school but for some reason it seemed like a smart idea to allow me to go back there. I hadn't seen these girls all summer and was sure of the cold reception I was going to face.
All these years later I can imagine these girls reading my words, as I have reconnected with some of them as adults. When we discussed it they felt horrible at what I had been through but I do not blame them. At 13 years old they were as equipped as I was to handle this clash of cultures.
It's important to me that you understand the context within which I was introduced to the concept of Kollel. That was the first year my father left the workforce, first as a Rabbi in a local yeshiva and then full time unpaid Kollel next door to our home. In the mind of a teenage girl struggling to fit in this seemed no different than the rest of the changes we made from our clothes to our hobbies to learning Hebrew. It was about becoming more religious to live up to the ideals and the standards of the Chareidi culture in Israel. I saw it is growing in spirituality and religious observance. Coming closer to God.
I recall one day in class when my teacher shared in detail her deeply personal feelings about being a Kollel wife. "I was walking home the other day, alone because my husband was in Kollel. I am usually alone in the evening because my husband is in Kollel. And I saw that the local school supplies store was still open and realized that Mrs. Olsen was also home alone (don't recall the name but it was the Mom and Dad of girls who were students in our school so we all knew exactly who she was talking about). I thought, how lucky I am. How privileged and proud I can feel about myself. She is alone but her husband is working and mine is learning."
The clear subtext is how superior she was to this woman. I knew then that this was my ticket and committed then and there that I too wanted to feel pride in who I am. Know that I belong and would not continue to be looked down upon. This was the pathway to relevancy and acceptance.
And I stuck with it. I learned to live simply and tried to acquire skills that could allow me to earn a living. I pushed away that feeling inside of me that suggested I might want to be focused on my children once I became a Mom. I studied all I could about faith and knowledge of God so I would be armed with the fortitude required to pull off this lifestyle.
I learned not to question authority and ignore the contradictions that were so blithely whitewashed. Here are some of the questins that plagued my mind:
If we were superior to the people who work how can we justify taking money from donors?
How is it OK that they work to earn the money to support us?
How is it OK to look down on the people who make our lifestyle possible?
For years I never question any of it. To do so would make me a heretic. But when I entered the dating scene I could no longer avoid these inherent contradictions. Shadchanim looked at me with disdain and incredulity. how could I possibly think I was worthy of dating a yeshiva boy when I did not have parents who could commit to paying for our rent, food, groceries and all other living expenses for a young family for a minimum of 5 years - ideally ten.
One after another potential match said no because my father had no money. One young man did date me, behind his parents back, only to of course say no when his Dad found out that I had no money to offer. My entire worth as a person was tied to the money my parents did not have. To me this felt deeply unfair - how could he have money if he hadn't worked all these years? I had just graduated school so where was I supposed to have come up with that kind of sum?
On top of that, I also felt a complete lack of autonomy in what was supposed tobe the most consequential decision of my life. After years of being reassured that marrying some you meet only several times is OK because you do your research ahead of time, I was now told that it was "off" to make these phone calls only own behalf and that my questions and concerns were silly and inappropriate. You get told who you date, you meet a few times and you trust God that this is your destined partner.
I felt so betrayed by all the promises I heard that if I conducted myself properly as a teenager I would be guaranteed a worthy space. All the lofty lectures I had heard over the years that my ticket to heaven was to be my spouse whom I would earn through kindness, character and modest dress - it all now rang hollow. But still I persevered because I knew nothing else and I refused to sell myself short.
To highlight the confusion and the whiplash I was feeling during this dark chapter I was also feeling guilty about going to University to become a licensed professional. It had been instilled in me for years and years that going to college was equivalent to turning my back on Judaism and entering the depths of hell. College was a God forsaken institution and any self respecting, pious and devout Jewish woman would not even consider committing this grave sin.
But I was equally bullied to the consequence of not going to college - it would be a failure of my wifely duties not to equip myself to earn a living at a high standard that a family can live on. Caught between a rock and a hard place I didn't even have the tools to consider my lack of secular education that left me I'll prepared for the rigor demanded of this program or how I was going to cover the prohibitive tuition costs and support myself until my studies were complete. Just make it work. Carrying all this baggage I was delighted when a friend suggested that I meet her brother and assured me that money would be of no issue. For privacy, I won't specify what concerned me, thise details are irrelevant to the story. The bottom line is that I brought these concerns to mentors and to a teacher. I was laughed at.
"Dina thinks dating is supposed to be like going to an amusement park. It's not supposed to be fun." I was ridiculing for wishing more out of life than it was meant to offer.
"You can't say no after one date," I was told. "Give it a chance."
And a second and a third. And then: "If you went on four dates that is proof that you like him. You must get engaged. It is sinful to strong it along. You have no other option that to marry this man of whom you express deep reservations and concerns - don't you realize how lucky you are that he has agreed to meet you? No other yeshiva boy would even consider hearing your name. You come from a poor family and this is the best you could hope for."
When I tired to apply stalling tactics I was yelled at and told that I was being chutzpadik, selfish and immature. Out of fear of reprisal and retaliation for disobeying the directives I was given - I went ahead and "closed the deal".
Throughout the engagement I tried again and again to get out of what I instinctively knew was a mutually toxic relationship. I had come to realize that I myself had some deep seated issues and was ill equipped to handle the responsibilities of a marriage. This thing I had dreamed of for so long now seemed like a terrible future and I wanted no part in it. I was overruled.
"You are rash and impulsive." These were some of the words that were used to successfully convince me that I was too young and stupid to know my own mind. That is would be fool-hardly and even sinful to break off an engagement.
Lacking a backbone or the knowledge of how to even think for myself I allowed myself to be swept along. I got married and after five torturous months I realized that my health and my wellbeing was in jeopardy. Now that I had a child on the way that I was responsible for I finally found the courage to do what I knew was right.
I have been told many times that leaving a situation that was wrong for me has tremendous value regardless of what followed. I find it hard to congratulate myself considering that what followed: abandoning my child, succumbing to depression, losing my speech therapy license, leading a dysfunctional and unproductive life for many years and countless suicide attempts.
While I remain in doubt as to the sum virtue of my choices what is clear to me is that the brainwashing and the bullying I experienced was not just wrong- it was evil. Yes, I made some bad choices. I wasn't perfect. But the environment I was raised in and the ideology that I was taught is dangerous and unacceptable.
I am not an outlier. My story is different than most, yet I have seen how these harms affect countless others. I have discussed this topic with friends, family and acquaintances - many righteous Jewish women who lead beautiful Torah homes. They are dedicated wives and loving mothers and devote themselves to keeping Shabbos and running a safe and nurturing home for their family. Some of my friends juggle a demanding career alongside their familial responsibilities and some have the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom. Each with their unique reasons and circumstance. Heartbreakingly, so many shared with me the guilt they carry and the inadequacy they feel because their husband does not learn Torah full time. Honest work is something they feel gives them shame and a feeling of loss. Heroically, they do not abandon Torah and Mitzvos. They remain committed to the Jewish community all while hearing this little voice in their head that tells them that in the eyes of the Torah they aren't good enough. In Chareidi circles - they didn't cut it.
Until recently I could only imagine what goes on their husband's minds and how can they get up every day and face the challenges of work, Torah studies, mitzva observance and joyful parenting shackled by this oppressive worldview that condemns them and defines them as second rate. Recently I was faced with head-on listening to the anguish of a Yeshiva boy who couldn't make it in Yeshiva. He had come to the realization that continuing Torah studies full time was not feasible for him. I did not get the chance to hear from him why he was returning to the states and entering the workforce but he shared with me his guilt and the inferiority he felt with regard to his next chapter. I was gratified that he wanted to hear my perspective and open to the idea that his new pathway was also holy. It is so painful to me that he walked away from the conversation unconvinced that his pathway is just as worthy in the eyes of God.
The Yeshiva bochur and I met each other when together we confronted a Christian missionary and tried to convince him why his behavior was inappropriate, disrespectful and - in our eyes - evil. This made me think: since when is the belief in one god no longer the cornerstone of Judaism? Historically the essence of a committed jew was the willingness to give your life for "Shema Yisrael hashem Elokainu Hahsem Echad". Judaism has been hijacked by an insidious combination of Marxism and egotistic notion reminiscent of the guided age elitism.
We don't even hear about the value and importance of "נשאת ונתתה באמונה" or the beauty of the blessings of industry and prosperity. Judaism today is not about a shared belief, legacy and heritage - its about status and pretending that the Torah has nothing to say about wealth acquisition. Moshe was chosen as a leader because he was independent wealthy. For other reasons as well but this is a vital criteria for a Jewish leader yet we have to pretend he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
When I was 19 years old I asked the wife of a respected Rabbi how to reconcile these issues. I had heard from her husband's lectures about the danger of college, the importance of Bitachon and it had also been drilled into me that a woman's not allowed to have a career because she must dedicate her life to taking care of her home and her children. She said to me, "but Dina we also have to live in reality."
The message was clear, Torah and reality are in conflict. The Torah does not provide a framework and a guide for living your life. It was nearly 20 years before I learned of Adam Smith and his book "The Wealth of Nations" that finally explained to me the virtue of honest work and in pursuing your own self interest. Why did it have to be a catholic economist, Daniel Di Martino, to teach me ideas stated clearly in the Torah?
(I am not promoting Catholicism - please see the bottom of the article to understand the context of Adam Smith and Daniel Di Martino to my story.)
How backwards is it that a worldwide famous Rebetzin thinks it is OK to bash Walmart - look at all this gashmius. I think if she lived in Venuzuala she would recognized how blessed she is to live in America where hard work is valued and free market principles are upheld. Hearing Mr. Di Martino describe the joy he feels every time he walks through a supermarket made me realize how sinful it is to denigrate the blessings of prosperity and wealth. He is filled with gratitude to the point of taking pictures of the cereal and meat. He has the lived experience of shopping in grocery stores with empty shelves, you have to checkout via your ID and fingerprint and you are barred from taking home that second package of toilet paper.
I am so grateful to this Venezuelan dissident. I was inspired when I heard his story and his message: participating in a system of economic prosperity is a noble and virtuous mission. When speaking to a group of Catholic high school and college students he said: "Being poor will not make you more Christian. It will not make you more happy."
Somewhere along the way Rabbis and school teachers thought it was OK to demonize wealth acquisition and entrepreneurship. How did this cancer spread in our society that we don't even question this or call it out? These so called leaders fear no repercussion advocating against prosperity and industry and they seem to carry no sense of obligation to consider the ramifications of these terrible ideas that they advocate for and perpetuate.
During the course of my research again and again advocates for this ideology responded to my concerns with a justification that Torah learning is the highest ideal. It would be rude to tell a Rabbi or an interlocuter "you are a liar". I usually hold my tongue but how else am I too feel when these people keep contradicting themselves? So many Rabbis, Rebbetzins and other orthodox Jews talk out of both sides of their mouth when it comes to this topic.
How can you advocate for a highest ideal that not everyone can attain? This is in direct contradiction with the teachings that one is supposed to balance work and Torah, the value of integrating with society. If you say that "Kollel is a noble path that some people should choose" while recognizing that supporting and spreading Torah learning is a community partnership - that I can agree with. I have also been told that Jewish people are like an orchestra, one who earns a living is no less worthy than one who dedicates his life to Torah scholarship to the exclusion of vocational pursuits. What troubles me is that in the goal of advancing the cause of Torah it has become acceptable to demonize honest work.
The catholic clergy do act as the intermediaries between the worshipers and God. They live at a higher spiritual level. The ego and superiority infused into the Kollel mindset as it is presented and encouraged appears to be very similar to the catholic dynamic between the worshipers with the vicar of Christ.
Considering the relentless onslaught of these ideas on my developing psyche I will be honest about how I feel when I think of an orthodox Jewish man. I get the same reaction that Megyn Kelly describes that she feels when she thinks of Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is a misogynist. He operates a pimping website and advocates beating women and expressing pride in your manhood through engaging in the degrading subjugation of women. That is how I feel about orthodox Rabbis. I get a twist in my stomach when I think of an orthodox man.
(These feelings have also evolved as a result of the subsequent fear mongering from Rabbis when I sought a divorce - threatening me with damnation and the burden of sin should I choose to say no to a situation that I knew so clearly to be wrong.)
I recall when I first met my neighbors in French Hill - they are very kind people with a generous open home. I was tired of being bored and lonely on Friday nights and asked to join them. I got there before shul ended and just his nod as he said hello made my stomach twist. Despite the fear of the danger they posed tome I am glad I took that risk. Meeting them changed my life.
Over time I became best friends with his wife. Though she is the one who hosts me for shabbat meals and is married to the Torah scholar she treats me like I am a Rebbetzin, respecting the knowledge and expertise that I can offer. Despite my lack of religious observance and mental health issues they hired me to be their sons speech therapist. This spurred me to open a private practice and develop my skills as a competent professional. I gained confidence in the belief that I had something of value to contribute to the world.
I also developed a relationship with a young Kollel couple the next neighborhood over. We have a connection from back home and it was just easier to develop a friendship with her based on our shared background than to develop a new social network. Another kollel family entrusted me with the safety of their preemie and gave me the privilege of taking care of him in the NICU. They needed the help what with an older daughter and the newborn twin back at home. These friendships were really painful and complicated to me - constantly fearing rejection, always on guard and suspicious of their words and their actions. Carrying with me to every interaction the awareness in the back of my head that these people disrespect me and look at me in judgement. I tried really hard to make friends through a secular organization, Hillel, but nothing stuck. So my social circle continued to be exclusively Chareidi families in Jerusalem.
It was so painful for me to be constantly surrounded by people I loved and deeply cared about but served to me as a constant symbol of rejection. I hated everything they stood for but they were my friends and I wasn't willing to give up these friendships over ideological difference. I still join their shul on chag and feel no joy in the dancing, no connection to the community and to the shared mission their celebration stands for. It has no meaning meaning for me.
My own son is carrying on this tradition. I care about him and I am so proud of the discipline and intentionality of his actions. His wisdom, ambition, humility and deep insight give me huge hope for the future of the Jewish people. His very existence is everything to me and having a relationship with him is the most important thing in my life.
I know that his future wife is currently being educated in this very school of thought that has caused me so much heartache. The two of them will one day raise their children in this lifestyle, with God's help. Yet I feel so disconnected. What part do I have in it? My friends, my community and my own family are perpetuating a system that I have only experienced as deeply corrosive and dare I say anti-human.
Intellectually I can see how they found a balance in the competing responsibilities and ideals but I feel forever stuck as I can't walk away but I can't wash away the raging negative emotions that shadow every interaction and thought I have with them. For a while I disconnected from everyone. Retreated again into a depression. Avoided all social interaction or any sense of functionality and had many many suicide attempts. That got me nowhere.
One situation did move the needle but I only realized it when I heard the story of Adriana/Adina, a Christian girl who converted to Judaism after working as the #non-Jewish nanny for orthodox children in Boca Raton. I realized that I had a work experience similar to hers.
I had been working in an early childhood clinic in Arnona providing speech therapy to children from diverse backgrounds. Then this one boy came and his father - with his black pants, black Kippah and starched white shirt - was the perfect embodiment of all the people who had so betrayed and hurt me all those years ago. It was painful for me to work with his child when doing so required sitting side by side with what felt to me the person who had caused me life lasting wounds. Not him, but in my heart it felt one and the same.
What was even more jarring was the deep respect with which he treated me. Not just polite but seeking my unique insight and wisdom. How could someone who considers me an outcast and a heretic be asking me to give him guidance? From the toys he should purchase to the formation of the tongue for the production of various sounds he hung onto every word. His wife - when was able to come - was even worse. The judgement and coercion from woman had been the nail on the coffin. From the stylish wig to her sweet demeanor she seemed to be oozing contempt. So I assumed. Everything about her reminded me of this deeply ingrained feeling of rejection. Yet her actions did not match that and I constantly had this feeling like I was in some kind of "twilight zone".
I was professional and never shared with anyone how I felt. It was such a pleasure to work with dedicated parents who not only appreciated my expertise but were partners in my efforts. To see their son flourish was a joy as a clinician and when I can see a direct result and benefit from my work not just on the child but on the entire family unit that always gave me so much satisfaction. This incongruence between the courtesy they showed to me and the wholesomeness in how they treated their child - it scattered my preconceived notions of Kollel people. I reached out to them a few years later on a different topic and they expressed to me the lasting impact I had on their child but they will never know the impact they had on me.
It is with all this complexity that I come to the question my dear friend asked me. She is a high school teacher. Focused and industrious she supports her husband in learning and seeks to instill in her students an aspiration to do the same. When I presented to her the downside of this educational goal she asked me, but how to I inspire my students without telling them that there is something higher in this lifestyle?
I think the solution lies in the problem. Most teachers do not even know the history of Kollel why it was started and what it sought to accomplish. We don't live in pre war Europe, post war America and Israel is an established Jewish homeland. It would not be advised on this day an age for a couple to live with the brides parents for the first decade or so of their life as the Chofetz Chaim did with his daughter. But when we understand the roots and teach this vital history together with a robust understanding of all the values of Torah and mitzva observance along with what the Torah has to say about business, Adam Smith and free market enterprise than we will be setting our children and the next generation up for a life of joy and meaning and a healthy balance in pursuing all these ideals at the highest level possible.
In the next article I write on this topic I hope to share this positive vision for what Kollel has been and what it can become. I plan to include suggestions for reforms that will foster healthy and authentic Judaism and allow for human flourishing and the preservation of Torah for our children and grandchildren and all the generations to follow.
The above photos comprise a journal entry of sorts that I wrote on this topic several days after my most recent suicide attempts. A friend called me that morning and during the course of that discussion I decided to change course and see again what life had to offer. Sifting through my confusion on the topic of human value and the dignity of work was one of the first steps towards that effort.
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So much joy seen in the free market worldview (specifically my recent discovery of Venezuelan born economist Daniel Di Martino).
But so much pain that I wasn’t raised this way. I did get advice but without philosophical underpinning and was so brainwashed by them.
It’s sad — not in a self-pity sadness — but in a holding myself and giving understanding and comfort.
But my issues weren’t just financial, also philosophical — knowing how to think for myself or how to research and find the facts or the underlying principles to guide myself.
I guess everyone eventually dies and even a mid-range life is short in the scope of history.
I feel I learned the lessons too late.
Perhaps it is just a matter of luck.
For me it was failing to find and follow the correct mentors, social skills with friends and teachers, and switching often between groups.
I can blame the system. However many people learn to read between the lines and be their own teacher.
It starts with having permission to explore ideas w/o predetermined conclusion and freedom to figure out for oneself one’s life path.
Here is where I think Free Market Enterprise is aligned w/ freedom and where the kollel philosophy goes astray.
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There is an idea of legitimacy and relevance and only the best is sufficient.
Plenty promoted interests are making out the framework.
The Torah teaches "each man under his olive tree and his vineyard" and "a righteous woman travels far to bring bread home for her family" not socialism where we all own shared property — this is not the Jewish path and neither is taking from the rich to pay the poor, that is stealing.
Since elimelech was punished and boaz was rewarded, in Judaism,
We have faith that reward/punishment comes from G-d — charity should not be imposed by the government.
The attitude of learning and welfare to subsidize Torah is wrong. (Hud, medicaid to subdize kollel families in lakewood and other kollel communities.
It is an individual’s responsibility to balance pursuing a living, raise a family and uphold individual spiritual pursuits.
It is up to the individual to demonstrate value of his revelation, raise funds + contributions to support his spiritual endeavors.
With the understanding that for me this is all theoretical, given stage of life, from various perspectives — that being said, the balance is for each person, family, community to find the path that is true for them.
Perhaps the philosophical theorizing is my contribution.
Adam Smith was a Scottish philosopher who essentially founded the field of economics. His book, published the same year as the signing of The Declaration of Independence, revolutionized the way we think about trade and commerce. Some say his work was just as consequential to freedom as the American Revolution.
Daniel Di Martino is a Venezuelan immigrant to the United States. He travels the country fighting the slow march of communism across America. He usually speaks or writes from a faith neutral perspective. Please note that while two of his lectures and one article he has written on the topic of free market principles do touch upon ethical frameworks based on his Catholic faith, my primary intent in mentioning him and the consequential impact he has had on me is to highlight the limited education on economics in the Jewish community and limited discourse on free market enterprise within Jewish intellectual and communal spaces.
I in no way advocate for the beliefs or theology of the Catholic faith. In fact the reality that I had to search Catholicism to find answers on this and other critical topics is another huge danger to Judaism. I found Yad Leachim along my journey but other people might not be so lucky. Why should a Jewish woman feel compelled to look outside of Judaism for answers that were there all along?
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