Several weeks ago I went to a Shabbat meal by a lovely young Kollel couple. I was invited along with four seminary girls. They came from the states to experience a year of living in Jerusalem and reinforcing the Torah values they had been taught back home. This woman reached out to me, a stranger, from the kindness of her heart. We connected via a WhatsApp group chat where I posted a message looking for a meal in the area. I praised her and expressed my deep appreciation for her initiative and hospitality. I wish my actions reflected my words and the respect and admiration I felt. Her husband is a dedicated Torah scholar; having learned in his youth in an elite Torah institution he continues to dedicate himself fulltime to the pursuit of Torah knowledge. This lifestyle requires a shared commitment and partnership considering the financial and practical implications involved.
Towards the beginning of the Shabbat seudah one of the young woman commented how her seminary has already begun to "brainwash" them into adopting a Kollel lifestyle, a path that she does not wish to follow. I was impressed by her insight and courage. I felt jealous as she had an awareness that I discovered too late. A protective motherly instinct welled up inside me not just for these impressionable sweet girls but for the little girl inside me who was led astray to a path of confusion, conformity and limitation. I launched into a passionate discussion as to the evil nature of the lofty and noble lifestyle that my hosts lead. I tried to give a fair shake to both sides and was inspired by the perspective they shared - when I let them get in a word in edgewise.
Having let my emotions get the best of me I don't think I accomplished the goal I had intended. All I really left with was shame and regret that I ruined an amazing opportunity for friendship and community. An article on this topic has been on my mind for a while and is long overdue but I am certainly not doing so by way of apology or justification. I am not sure that merely writing about clarifying my thoughts and expressing my emotions regarding the Kollel practice can calm the burning fire simmering inside me. This blind and visceral hatred prevents me from approaching any new experience with intentionality, openness, curiosity or even joy. It is clear that I can no longer avoid coming to terms with the roots and implications of what the Kollel movement means to me seeing how this rage consumes me.
It is so important to me to get this right and I have been experiencing tremendous writers block grappling with the enormity of this topic. I tried to use AI for this article - it was a bizarre experience arguing theology with a robot. Rabbi Coopersmith's Alter ego was helpful in sourcing and in engaging with rigorous critique of the inconsistencies and dangers posed by this ideology. Still, I am struggling to give expression to my thoughts. Reflecting on the consequential and deeply personal implications of this article I found myself spending several minutes pondering and deliberating the wording of just the title.
"The edge of the abyss" means being on the verge of a very dangerous, threatening, or critical situation. This can be a literal geographical chasm or a metaphorical state of crisis, such as financial ruin, despair, or extreme uncertainty. This imagery is spot on for me - being brainwashed into this misguided ideology has led me to the edge of heresy. I nearly abandoned Judaism and even stepped passed the threshold of lucidity and nihilism. I still flail about in attempt in search of a clarity that seems ever beyond my grasp.
Before I dive in I ask that you keep an open mind to what I have to say. While I do see the Kollel in a very negative light it is my wish to impress upon the community to see these dangers as a five alarm fire and recognize that damage of this magnitude will lead to a cascade of negative consequences to the larger Jewish community. I am not here to demonize orthodox Jews or destroy the fabric of society that gives many people hope and purpose. I hope to give a fair shake to both perspectives on this topic and in doing so stay true to the pursuit of truth. I ask adherents to this worldview to keep an open mind and acknowledge the sinister underbelly that must be rooted out lest it cause even more heartache and devastation to young women like it did to me.
I hesitated to share my opinion because I am no longer an active member of this community but stepping outside these systems perhaps gives me a clearer perspective. Sometimes, it’s easier to see the flaws and challenges in a system when you’re no longer immersed in them. So I have some to realize that even from the outside my voice matters. Raising awareness about these issues—whether through conversations, writing, or other means—can help create the transparency and accountability that’s so desperately needed.
While researching this topic I framed the discussion by characterizing Kollel as an ideology. Therefore, in the pursuit of clarity and truth, I explored the historical origins of the Kollel practice and where it took a turn from the Torah ideals that undergird this system. However, I would not be doing it justice to confine this conversation to an academic discussion based on ideas, sources and facts because it is my experiences with this practice and the people who advocate for this lifestyle that has shaped my negative perspective on Kollel and developed a burning anger and hatred of these people. It is the long winded arc of being introduced then rejected and then coming full circle to being reembraced by Kollel people that can convey the complexity and nuance of what this worldview means to me.
Based on my experience I feel that the Kollel mindset leads to abuse and depression; a perspective that has led me to conclude that while the Kollel lifestyle appears innocent and even lofty it has lost its way. It is no longer about a shared communal project, mutual respect, a shared sense of responsibility or even about dedication to torah learning. The modern iteration of the Kollel system has become about status and ego. To me it is a dark, deceptive and sinister ideology that has destroyed many young lives. When ideals—no matter how noble—lead to real-world harm it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry in its application. Torah values are meant to uplift and bring balance, not to crush or harm. If the Kollel mindset, as it’s being lived out in certain communities, is causing such damage, it’s essential to confront these realities with honesty and courage.
My personal wish is to find peace from the inner turmoil and torment I wrestle with related to this topic. I am sharing it with the public to offer solidarity and support for others who have had similar experiences - you are not alone. It is my fervent wish for this article to spark reflection and conversation amongst teachers, adherents, supporters and community leaders; a conversation that can create the change that can minimize these harms moving forward and develop a value system and a culture that is conducive to prosperity and human flourishing. This vision will restore the Torah to be the guide for living in this modern world that it was always meant to be.
My aim is to do so while still respecting the ideals that Kollel life aspires to embody. The key would be to present my experience in a way that invites reflection and accountability, rather than defensiveness. The challenge to that is that my mind is so clouded on this topic by the suffering I have endured and the constant pain I live with as a result. I am being honest about the bias with which I approach this topic so that I can share my opinion with authenticity while also doing so in a way that keeps the door open for honesty and reflection from the readers who may be taken aback my harsh assessment of a way of life that they hold dear.
When I express my critique of the Kollel movement I am often told that "there are challenges within the system." This is not about systemic challenges. It is real world harms. It is infuriating to hear the excuse and explanation that the injustice I experienced and I take deep issue with the phrase "systemic pressures". These were real people. Individuals who made deliberate choices based on an ideology they believed in. Framing is in the context of a "system" takes away the blame for the people who behaved badly and for the ideas and beliefs that guided their actions.
What is more is that my story is unique. There are people will criticize me and say that I am an outlier and that his just happened to me. I am not a data point or a statistic. I fell between the cracks. That statement is true, but so is my story. It is a reality that cannot be ignored. The reality and the impact of the Kollel ideology on my story reveals not only the cracks in the system but also the sinister values embedded within the ideology itself. I refuse to stand silent about an ideology that has led to and allowed such a tragedy to happen.
By sharing my experience, I'm not just telling my story—I'm holding up a mirror to the ideology and the individuals who perpetuated it. Yes, people may claim it’s an isolated case, but the very fact that it happened at all demands introspection. As someone who has experienced these harms firsthand and seen the negative impact from many others as well I know that my voice is crucial in this conversation. By sharing my story I can shine a light on these harms.
Some of these harms include the financial and social pressures and the development of an unhealthy sense of codependence that is fostered when a woman is led to believe that all her sense of self worth and value is tied to the choices and actions of her husband. This is not the intention of the Torah philosophy that sees marriage as a partnership of equals. For me to explain how I have come to such a negative conclusion on the modern Kollel movement I would have to go back to when I was a preteen when my family moved to Israel shortly before my bas mitzva and then the years I grew up as a teenager in the newly developing Remat Beit Shemesh.
My father would wax poetical almost every shabbos about the virtue of the kollel lifestyle he led. This of course meant that he had no money to pay for many basic necessities such as an extra pair of shoes or transportation to and back from school, but I gladly went without these luxeries inspired by the belief that I was not only taking part and sharing in the merit of his Torah learning but that these choices were preparing me for my ultimate purpose - to be the wife of a Kollel student. I was reminded again and again that only a full tome Torah scholar was a legitimate Jew. For a man to work was akin to idol worship or violating Shabbos. A woman was incomplete and could only enter heaven through the study of her husband. I yearned for the day when I could feel a sense of pride in who I am. Feel comfortable in my own skin; feel that confidence that comes from knowing that I am worthy and that I belong. I was meticulous in my dress and my actions assured in the promise that if I was modest I was guaranteed a great shidduch. I faced denigrating and ridicule for my clothing choices but persevered knowing that I was headed towards something higher and my reward was promised. The denigration I would face if I deviated from this path would be even greater. You see when I first moved to Israel I experienced ostracization due to my American background. Growing up as a proud orthodox Jew it was shocking to discover that I wasn't Jewish enough. I stopped wearing denim skirts. Only prostitutes wear that, I was told. We gave up our roller blades and went along with the idea that bike riding, camping and all the other fun things we did in the stares would now be a thing of the past. The same confusing message was conveyed regarding makeup. The day of my sister's wedding there was a huge commotion over the choice to hire a makeup artist, but if what was a stake was our dignity and our innocence perhaps this was justified. Or was it? I constantly heard how we were not good enough because we were too materialistic and these neighbors loved a higher level of spirituality becuase they were poor. Wealth became an ugly word material possession felt shameful and dirty. The first year we lived in Israel there were constant conflicts between the American and Israeli factions, or so it seemed. Actually, many of the girls who were bothered by our Americanized values were children of American immigrants. The tensions came to a head when my sister repeated some conversation she should not have and was promptly kicked put of school. I was sent as the emissary to beg the teacher to allow her to come back though I only spoke a broken Hebrew and didn't even understand at the time what she had done or why it was wrong. This is all to explain my mindset going into 8th grade. All the rest of the more American contingent had left the school but for some reason it seemed like a smart idea to allow me to go back there. I hadn't seen these girls all summer and was sure of the cold reception I was going to face. All these years later I can imagine these girls reading my words, as I have reconnected with some of them as adults. When we discussed it rhey felt horrible at what I had been through but I do not blame them. At 13 years old they were as equipped as I was to handle this clash of cultures. It's important to me rhat you understand the context within which I was introduced to the concept of Kollel. That was the first year my father left the workforce, first as a Rabbi in a local yeshiva and then full time unpaid Kollel next door to our home. In the mind of a teenage girl struggling to fit in this seemed no different than the rest of the changes we made from lur clothes to our hobbies to learning Hebrew. It was about becoming more religious to live up to the ideals and the standards of the Chareidi culture in Israel. I saw it is growing in spirituality and religious observance. Coming closer to God. I recall one day in class when my teacher shared in detail her deeply personal feelings about being a Kollel wife. "I was walking home the other day, alone because my husband was in Kollel. I am usually alone in the evening because my husband is in Kollel. And I saw that the local school supplies store was still open and realized that Mrs. Olsen was also home alone (don't recall the name but it was the Mom and Dad of girls who were students in our school. We knew exactly who she was talking about.) I thought, how lucky I am. How privileged and proud I can feel about myself. She is alone but her husband is working and mine is learning." The clear subtext is how superior she was to this woman. I knew then that this was my ticket and committed then and there that I too wanted to feel pride in who I am. Know that I belong and would not continue to be looked down upon. This was the pathway to relevancy and acceptance. And I stuck with it. I learned to live simply and tried to acquire skills that could allow me to earn a living. I pushed away that feeling inside of me that suggested I might want to be focused on my children once I became a Mom. I studied all I could about faith and knowledge of God so I would be armed with the fortitude required to pull off this lifestyle. I learned not to question authority and ignore the contradictions that were so blithely whitewashed. If we were superior to the people who work how can we justify taking money from donors, how is it OK that they work to earn the money to support us? How is it OK to look down on the people who make our lifestyle possible? For years I never question any of it. To do so would make me a heretic. But when I entered the dating scene I could no longer avoid it. One after another potential match said no becuase my father had no money. How could he have money if he hadn't worked all these years. I had just graduated school so where was I supposed to have come up with that kind of sum? Shadchanim looked at me with disdain and incredulity. After years of being reassured that marrying some you meet only several times is OK because you do your research ahead of time I was now told that it was "off" to make these phone calls only own behalf and that my questions and concerns were silly and inappropriate. You get told who you date, you meet a few times and you trust God that this is your destiny partner. On top of that, how could I possibly think I was worthy of dating a yeshiva boy when I did not have parents who could commit to paying for our rent, food, groceries and all other lvong expenses for a young family for a minimum of 5 years - ideally ten. One you g man did date me, behind his parents back, only to of course say no when his Dad found out that I had no money to offer. My entire worth as a person was tied to the money my parents did not have. I felt so betrayed by all the promises I heard that if I conducted myself properly as a teenager I would be guaranteed a worthy space. All the lofty lectures I had heard over the years that my ticket to heaven was to be my spouse whom ìwould earn through kindness, character and modest dress - it rang hollow. But still I persevered because I knew nothing else and I refused to sell myself short. To highlight the confusion and the whiplash I was feeling during this dark chapter I was also feeling guilty about going to University to become a licensed professional. It was instilled in me for years and years that going to college was equivalent to turning my back on Judaismand entering the depths of hell. College was a God forsaken institution and any self respecting, pious and devout Jewish woman would not even consider committing this grave sin. But I was equally bullied to the consequence of not going to college - it would be a failure of my wisely duties not to equip myself to earn a living at a high standard that a family can live on. Caught between a rock and a hard place I didn't even have the tools to consider my lack of secular education that left me I'll prepared for the rigor demanded of this program or how I was going to cover the prohibitive tuition costs and support myself until my studies were complete. Just make it work. Carrying all this baggage I was delighted when a friend suggested that I meet her brother and assured me that money would be of no issue. For privacy, I won't specify what concerned me, thise details are irrelevant to the story. The bottom line is that I brought these concerns to mentors and to a teacher. I was laughed at. "Dina thinks dating is supposed to be like going to an amusement park. It's not supposed to be fun." I was ridiculing for wishing more out of life than it was meant to offer. You can't say no after one date. Give it a chance. And a second and a third. And then...hey, if you went on four dates that is proof that you like him. You must get engaged. It is sinful to strong it along. You habe no other option that to marry this man of whom you express deep reservations and concerns - don't you realize how lucky you are that he has agreed to meet you? No other yeshiva boy would even consider hearing your name. You come from a poor family and this is the best you could hope for. When I tired to apply stalling tactics I was yelled at and told that I was being chutzpahdik, selfish and immature. Out of fear of realization went ahead. Throughout the engagement I tried again and again to get out of what I instinctively knew was a mutually toxic relationship. I had come to realize that I myself had some deep seated issues and was ill equipped to handle the responsibilities of a marriage. This thing I had dreamed of for so long now seemed like a terrible future and I wanted no part in it. I was overused. Lacking a backbone or the knowledge of how to even think for myself I was swept along. After five torturous months I realized that my health and my wellbeing was in jeopardy and now that I had a child I was responsible for I finally found the courage to do what I knew was right. The robot Rabbi assured me that leaving a situation rhat was wrong for me has tremendous value regardless of what followed. Considering that what did follow was abandoning my child, succumbing to depression, losing my speech therapy license, leading a dysfunctional and unproductive life for many years and countless suicide attempts - I find it hard to congradulate myself. What I know is that the brainwashing and the bullying I experienced was not just wrong. It was evil. Yes, I made some bad choices. I wasn't perfect. But the environment and the ideology that I was taught is dangerous and unacceptable. I have spoken to many righteous Jewish women who lead beautiful Torah homes. They are dedicated wives and loving mothers and devote themselves to keeping shabbos and running a safe and nurturing home for their family. Some of my friends juggle a demanding career alongside their familial responsibilities and some have the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom. Each with their unique reasons and circumstance. Heartbreakingly, so many shared with me the guilt they carry and the inadequacy they feel because their husband does not learn Torah full time. Honest work is something they feel gives them shame and a feeling of loss. Heroicly they do not abandon the Torah and stay committed to the Jewish community all while hearing this little voice in their head that tells them rhat in the eyes of the Torah they aren't good enough. In Chareidi circles they didn't cut it. Until recently I could only imagine what goes on their husband's minds and how can they get up every day and face the challenges of work, Torah studies, mitzva observance and joyful parenting shackled by this oppressive worldview that condemns them and defines them as second rate. This past succot I met a Yeshiva student who had come to the realization that continuing Torah studies full time was not feasible for him. I did not get the chance to hear from him why he was leaving Yeshiva and returning to the states. I was gratified that he wanted to hear my perspective and open to the idea that his new pathway was also holy. It is so painful to me that he walked away from the conversation unconvinced that his pathway is just as worthy in the eyes of God. Since when is the belief in one god no longer the cornerstone of Judaism? Historically the essence of a committed jew was the willingness to give your life for "shema Yisrael hashem elokainu hahsem echad". Judaism has been hijacked by an insidious combination of Marxism and elitist notion of the guided age elitism. We don't even hear about the value and importance of "נשאת ונתתה באמונה" or the beauty of the blessings of industry and prosperity. It's not about a shared belief,legacy and heritage its about status and pretending that the Torah has nothing to say about wealth acquisition. Moshe was chosen as a leader because he was independent wealthy. For other reasons but this is the criteria for a Jewish leader but we have to pretend he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. I asked the wife of a respected Rabbi how to reconcile these issues when I was 19 years old. I had heard from her husband's lectures about the danger of college, the importance of bitachon and it had also been drilled into me rhat a woman's not allowed to have a career because she must dedicate her life to taking care of her home and her children. She said to me, bur Dina we also have to live in reality. The message was clear, the Torah does not provide a framework and a guide for living your life. Torah and reality are in conflict. It was nearly 20 years before I learned of Adam Smith and the wealth of Nations that finally explained to me the virtue of honest work in pursuing your own self interest. Why did it have to be a catholic economist to teach me ideas stated clearly in the Torah? How backwards is it that a worldwide famous rebetzin thinks it is OK to bash Walmart - look at allthis gashmius. I think if she lived in Venuzuala she would recognized how blessed she is to live in America where hard work is valued and free market principles are upheld. Hearing him describe the joy he feels every time he walks through a supermarket even taking pictures of the cereal and meat because he has the lived experience of shopping in grocery stores with empty shelves and where you are barred from taking home that second package of toilet paper. I am so grateful to this Venezuelan dissident I was inspired when I heard his story and his message that participating in a system of economic prosperity is a noble and virtuous mission. "Being poor will not make you more Christian. It will not make you more happy." Somewhere along the way Rabbis and school teachers thought it was OK to demonize wealth acquisition and entrepreneurship. How did this cancer spread in our society that we don't even question this or call it out? These so called leaders fear no repercussion advocating against prosperity and industry and they seem to carry no sleep of obligation to consider the ramifications of these terrible ideas that they advocate for and perpetuate.
During the course of my research again and again the robot Rabbi responded to my concerns with a justification that Torah learning is the highest ideal. Well they need to change the algorithm. Is it chitzpadik to tell a Rabbi who is really a robot "you are a liar". How else was I too feel when it kept contradicting itself? This is just the same as I have seen so many Rabbis, Rebetzins and other orthodox Jews talk out of both sides of their mouth when it comes to this topic. How can you advocate for a highest ideal that not everyone can attain? This is in direct contradiction with the teachings that one is supposed to balance work and Torah, the value of integrating with society. If you say that kollel is a noble path that some people should choose recognizing that supporting and spreading Torah learning is a community partnership, that I can agree with. But the Jewish people are like an orchestra, one who earns a living is no less worthy than one who dedicates his life to Torah scholarship to the exclusion of vocational pursuits. In the goal of advancing the cause of Torah it has become acceptable to demonize honest work. The catholic clergy do act as the intermediaries between the worshipers and God. They live at a higher spiritual level. The ego and superiority into the Kollel life is presented and encouraged appears to be very similar to the catholic dynamic between the worshipers to the vicar of Christ.
Considering the relentless onslaught of these ideas on my developing psyche and the subsequent fear mongering from Rabbis when I sought a divorce threatening me with domination and the burden of sin should I choose to say no to a situation that I knew so clearly to be wrong, I will be honest about how I feel when I think of an orthodox Jewish man. I get the same reaction that Megyn Kelly describes that she feels when she thinks of Andrew Tate. This man is a misogynist, operates a pimping website and advocates beating women and expressing pride in your manhood the the most degrading subjugation of women. That is how I feel about orthodox Rabbis. I get a twist in my stomach when I think of an orthodox man. I recall when I first met my neighbors in French Hill - they are very kind people with a generous open home. I was tired of being bored and lonely on Friday nights and asked to join them. I got there before shul ended and just his nod as he said hello made my stomach twist. Over time I became best friends with his wife. Though she is the one who hosts me for shabbat meals and is married to the Torah scholar she treats me like I am a revetzin, respecting the knowledge and expertise that I can offer. Meeting them changed my life. Despite my lack of religious observance and mental health issues they hired me to be their sons speech therapist. This spurred me to open a private practice and develop my skills as a competent professional. I gained confidence in the belief that I had something of value to contribute to the world. Over time I also developed a relationship with a young kollel couple the next neighborhood over. We have a connection from back home and it was just easier to develop a friendship with her based on our shared background than to develop a new social network. Another kollel family entrusted me with the safety of their preemie and gave me the privilege of taking care of him in the NICU, they needed the help with an older daughter and the preemies twin at home. I tried really hard to make friends through a secular organization, hillel, but nothing stuck. It was so painful for me to be constantly surrounded by people I loved and deeply cared about but served to me as a constant symbol of rejection. I hated everything they stood for but they were my friends and I wasn't willing to give up these friendships over ideological difference. I still join their shul on chag and feel no joy in the dancing, no connection to the community and to the shared mission their celebration stands for. It has no meaning meaning for me. My own son is carrying on this tradition. I care about him and I am so proud of the discipline and intentionality of his actions. His wisdom, ambition, humility and deep insight give me huge hope for the future of the Jewish people. His very existence is everything to me and having a relationship with him is the most important thing in my life. I know rhat his future wife is currently being educated in this very school of thought that has caused me so much heartache. The two of them will one day raise their children in this lifestyle, with God's help. Yet I feel so disconnected. What part do I have in it? My friends, my community and my own family are perpetuating a system that I have only experienced as deeply corrosive and dare I say anti-human. Intellectually I can see how they found a balance in the competing responsibilities and ideals but I feel forever stuck as I can't walk away but I can't wash away the raging negative emotions that shadow every interaction and thought I have with them. For a while I disconnected. Retreated again into a depression. Avoided all social interaction or any sense of functionality and had many many suicide attempts. That got me nowhere. One situation did move the needle but I only realized it when I heard the story of Adriana/Adina, a Christian girl who converted to Judaism becuas especially was the #non-Jewish nanny for orthodox children in Boca Raton. So I was working in an early childhood clinic in Arnona providing speech therapy to children from diverse backgrounds. Then this one boy came and his father was the perfect embodiment of all the people who had so betrayed and hurt me all those years ago. It was painful for me to work with his child when doing so many sitting side by side with what felt to me the person who had caused me lifelasting wounds. Not him, but in my heart it felt one and the same. What was even more jarring was the deep respect with which he treated me. Not just polite but seeking my unique insight and wisdom. How could someone who considers me an outcast and a heretic be asking me to give him guidance? From the toys he should purchase to the formation fo the tongue for the production of various sounds he hung onto every word. His wife when was able to come was even worse because the judgement and coercion from woman had been the nail on the coffin. The stylish wig to her sweet demeanor seemed to be oozing contempt and everything about her reminded me of the deeply ingrained feeling of rejection. Yet her actions did not match that. I was professional and never shared with anyone how I felt. It was such a pleasure to work with dedicated parents who not only appreciated my expertise but were partners in my efforts.
To see their son flourish was a joy as a clinician and when I can see a direct result and benefit from my work not just on the child but on the entire family unit that always gave me so much satisfaction. This incongruence between the courtesy they showed to me and the wholesomeness in how they treated their child - it scattered my preconceived notions of Kollel people. I reached out to them a few years later on a different topic and they expressed to me the lasting impact I had on their child but they will never know the positive change they had on me. It is with all this complexity that I come to the question my dear friend asked me. She is a high school teacher. Focused and industrious she supports her husband in learning and seeks to instill in her students an aspiration to do the same. When I presented to her the downside of this educational goal she asked me, but how to I inspire my students without telling them that there is something higher in this lifestyle? I think the solution lies in the problem. Most teachers do not even know the history of Kollel why it was started and what it sought to accomplish. We don't live in pre war Europe, post war America and Israel is an established Jewish homeland. It would not be advised on this day an age for a couple to live with the brides parents for the first decade or so of their life as the Chofetz Chaim did with his daughter. But when we understand the roots and teach this vital history together with a robust understanding of all the values of Torah and mitzva observance along with what the Torah has to say about business, Adam smith and free market enterprise than we will be setting our children and the next generation up for a life of joy and meaning and a healthy balance in pursuing all these ideals at the highest level possible.
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