I have great respect for people who dedicate their lives to Torah learning and Mitzva observance and I am honored to consider myself part of the larger community of orthodox Judaism. I will admit that I have a personal bias, which is why I have a positive regard for תלמידי חכמים and those who support Torah learning and Jewish education. My dear son is a student in an elite Torah institution and I fully support the path he is on, his commitment to his Talmudic studies and his ambition to achieve great depth and breadth of Torah knowledge.
Those who dedicate their lives to Torah study are likened to יששכר whose symbol was that of a donkey because this Shevet carried the burden of preserving Torah knowledge and practice for the entire Jewish people. The lineage of the Yeshiva student goes as far back as Yeshivas Shem v'Ever where our forefather Yaakov studied on his way to Charan. The more modern Yeshiva system has its roots with the illustrious Vilna Gaon and his student R' Chaim Me'Volozhin, who was also known as "Avi Hayeshivos." If there was a moment on Earth with absolutely no Torah learning the world would cease to exist. Yeshiva students and Kollel יאונגערלייט hold up the very cosmos of our existence and, it is my belief, that in the merit of Torah study Israel won the war and brought all the living hostages home on erev Simchas Torah תשפ"ו.
Alongside my great appreciation for Yeshivot, Beit Yaakov and other institutions for Jewish education and Torah studies, I have grave concerns. In search of personal healing and reconciliation with my complicated experience being educated in the Bais Yaakov system, and out of abundant love for the Jewish people, I have decided to share my testimony of how corrosive the Kollel ideology was on my developing psyche and
the harms it has caused me as a young adult.
The first two articles were generated by the chatbot designed by Aish HaTorah, as was the summary of the third article. I hope in time to write my own article on the history and critical importance of the various Kollel and yeshiva systems and another article with more detailed suggestions for repairs that can modernize and preserve this beautiful tradition for our current generation. I want to make it clear to Jewish readers that I in no way advocate for any Hashkafa or lifestyle that is against Torah and Mitzva observant Judaism.
While I am still on a journey with regard to religious observance and understanding what the Torah commands of me in my life, I consider my spiritual advisors to include Rebetzin Devorah Eisenbach from Aish Hatorah, Rabbi Yitchack Breitowitz of Or Sameach, Rabbi Eytan Kobre from Rockaway, NY, Rabbi Mordechai Machles from Maalot Dafna and my partner in Torah with whom I study the Kuzari - I will not mention her name or location to protect her privacy as she is not a public figure.
The opinions expressed are entirely my own, through I strive to present a worldview that is in line with the beliefs of these dear teachers and mentors. Sometimes they read my work and this makes me even more cognizant during the writing process to produce articles that I will be proud for them to see.
When my Rebetzin reminded me of the gravity of Loshon Hara as the worst sin in the Torah, I removed the name of a Rabbi in a previous article I had written describing some of my frustrations with Jewish leadership. Likewise, in this article, I made every effort to avoid mention of any names or provide identifying details in this narrative. A center aspect of this story is being coerced into a marriage and the subsequent divorce - the details of what transpired between my ex and I are not germane to the purpose of this story and is a part of my life I will keep quiet for the sake of both our privacy rights and my son in addition to the Loshon Hara aspect.
I want to be honest and authentic in sharing my story but it is important to me that my words and my experiences not be misconstrued or misunderstood. While I am grateful for the positive influence Christians in particular have had on my life, I want to make it clear that I vehemently condemn missionaries who target Jews for conversion and I absolutely abhor those who use deception and subterfuge to achieve those aims, such as "Jews for Jesus" and "Messianic Jews."
In the words of Rabbi Michael Skobac from the anti-missionary organization "Jews for Judaism" (paraphrasing): "A person can be ethnically Jewish and be an atheist, secular, a hindu or a budhist but you cannot be a Practicing Jew and believe in Jesus." I stand by the statement of Rabbi Moshe Machlis: "People who target Jews for conversion are as evil as our worst enemies such as Hitler and Hamas."
To my non-Jewish readers I want to make it clear that I respect non-Jews of good character and appreciate the wisdom that I as a Jewish woman can learn from righteous and wise gentiles; an opinion I hope to elaborate on in the article Chochma ba'Goyim: The Wisdom and Character of the Righteous Gentile. I have dear friends who are Christian and Catholic - Muslim as well, and as stated, some of my readers are non-Jewish. I welcome the friendship and the interest in my work. In this article I mention two non-Jews, Adam Smith and Daniel Di Martino. Adam Smith (1723-1790) was a Scottish philosopher, economist and author. His book, "The Wealth of Nations," was published in 1776 - the same year as the signing of The Declaration of Independence. Smith, considered the father of economics, revolutionized the way we think about trade and commerce. Some say his work was just as consequential to freedom as was the American Revolution.
Daniel Di Martino is a Venezuelan immigrant to the United States. He travels the country fighting the slow march of communism across America. He usually speaks or writes from a faith neutral perspective. Please note that while two of his lectures and one article he has written on the topic of free market principles do touch upon ethical frameworks based on his Catholic faith. To my knowledge, all the economic concepts, values and principles that he advocates for such as free trade, subsidiary and a limited government align with Jewish values. My primary intent in mentioning him, and the consequential impact he has had on my life, is to highlight the lack of education on economics in Jewish schools and limited discourse on free enterprise within Jewish intellectual and communal spaces.
I in no way advocate for the beliefs or theology of the Catholic faith. In fact the reality that I felt that I had nowhere to turn to for basic information to understand how this world works and felt that I had to search non-Jewish sources to find answers on this and other critical topics is another huge danger to Judaism. I found יד לאחים along my journey but other people might not be so lucky. Isn't it sad that a Jewish woman would feel compelled to look outside of Judaism for answers that were there all along?
The Jewish community has made tremendous strides in providing education and guidance on many aspects of social teaching (intimacy, puberty, economics, financial literacy). I am so grateful to authors and professionals such as Rabbi Daniel Lapin, Rabbi Aaron Lopiansky, Dr. Shloime Zimmerman, Rabbi Simcha and Mrs. Chaya Feuerman and Eli Langer who have taken the lead to stir conversation and provide critical education on these important topics
. My challenge to Jewish leaders is to continue this great work and continue to move the needle in a positive direction and I hope through my blog to be a part of this great mission.
Just to clarify here is a list of all the articles:
Several weeks ago it was Hamas rockets that inspired me to head back to Rabbi Machlis' home for a Friday night Seudah instead of returning to isolation and depression that could have regressed back to suicidal ideation and to a final and fatal suicide attempt. I ran under a building for the duration of the siren and promptly invited the young man who took refuge with me to the Rabbi's home to experience an orthodox Jewish Shabbos seudah. Of course I had to go as well to show him the way and as he was coming at my invitation. Rabbi Machlis's children were able to offer me words of encouragement, advice and support that helped me turn the corner. I am so grateful for those Hamas rockets that saved my life. Nonetheless, it would be ludicrous of me to in any way give credence to Hamas, their evil actions or to describe them as anything other than a death cult.
I see "Messianic Judaism" and other Christian missionaries in the same light. I am so grateful for my encounters with these people roughly eight years ago as it helped me turn the corner then from depression. Those encounters saved me from additional suicide attempts at the time and eventually helped me return to religious observance and to the Jewish community. Similar to the Hamas rockets, the positive impact of missionaries targeting me does not in any way erase the evil of their intentions and the atrocity of what they do.
You can hear the testimony of their victims on the YouTube channel "Jews for Judaism." During a walk around French Hill one evening several years ago
, I was listening to a lecture on this channel by Ira Michaelson, a Jew who was lured into "Hebrew Christianity" and served as a "Messianic Rabbi" for many years. He eventually returned to Torah Judaism and shares his story as a warning to others. He says:
"I would hope that my message tonight was enlightening and that you will come away with a better understanding of how easy it is to fall prey that even somebody like me - I'm not talking about the unaffiliated Jew. I'm not talking about the secular Jew; the Jew that grew up in a secular household. I'm not talking about the reformed Jew. I'm not talking about all those Jews in the Messianic Judaism and Hebrew Christianity that grew up with no yidishkeit.
I'm talking about the Orthodox Jew that fell prey to this and spent 20 years in idolatry. I want you to understand how easy it is because I counsel people and I talk to people all the time and they go: "oh that would never happen."
And then what happens three or four weeks later they call me up and they go: "I went on Facebook and my daughter just announced that she's not Jewish anymore. She's Christian."
"I went to an event last year in January and there was a man that came up to me and he said I'd like to talk to you - a Torah Jew - and I said: "how can I help you?" And he said, "my daughter is up at college and she just called me up and told me she's Messianic."
Now this is a story we hear every day. Rabbi Skobac hears it every day. I hear it every day. Julius hears it. Ruth Gugenheim our director in on the East Coast, we hear this every day from people and these are people who want their children to follow Torah and they would have no clue how easy it is for people to fall prey - even for the educated Jew."
He also shared his message of hope and a call for action and a plea to support the organization and the mission:
"...as Jews cannot rely solely on emotion but must find the balance between emotion and knowledge as Jews for Judaism we seek to educate to Enlighten and Empower Jews in order to strengthen the Jewish community and most important importantly to keep Jews Jewish."
What was most inspirational to me was what he said while reflecting on his own personal journey:
"...while I've struggled over for those few years - with my why my life had to go - these last couple of years. I've really struggled with my my life had to go this way. Why did God allow me 20 years of
idolatry? I finally have come to a place only in the last month or so where I have no regrets. I don't regret it anymore - doesn't bother me, because it's those 20 years that have allowed me to stand before you tonight and to share my story."
When I heard his words I almost cried out and held my face in my hands in deep emotion for what it meant to me to hear his words. This is because I myself carry immense shame and regret on the choices I have made. Some I blame myself for - an attitude that causes immense self-hatred and loathing. I recognize that some of the detours I took were due to either brainwashing or mental illness, factors which lead to even more complex emotions. Hearing his perspective and how he came to peace with and reconciliation with the path life had taken him had a profound impact on me.
Several years ago,
I was presented with the opportunity to meet one of the founders of this wonderful organization at an event for young professionals in Jerusalem. Rabbi Bentzion Kravitz founded "Jews for Judaism" in 1985 to provide counseling and educational resources to counter the efforts of missionary groups such as "Jews for Jesus". I had never heard of Rabbi Katz before that event, having only listened to lectures of the other Rabbis and activists involved with that organization. While he himself had never been ensnared by missionaries, he had a deeply personal story of his own. When he was 38 years old he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, despite being a healthy marathon runner at the time. He underwent aggressive chemotherapy and radiation treatments, a journey that involved significant physical and emotional hardship. He successfully recovered and was later given a clean bill of health. During the Q and A that evening, he told us that he was grateful to have gone through cancer because it gave him a greater capacity for empathy to all sorts of people who came to him for guidance and counsel. He felt that being a cancer survivor equipped him with the ability to offer understanding and hope to individuals he met who face challenges of their own and give them much needed Chizuk. He too was able to see a terrible affliction and ordeal as a blessing from Hashem by seeing it as an opportunity to do good in this world.
Another hero of mine shared a similar perspective. Daniel Di Martino, who I mention again later in my story, is a young immigrant to the United States. He says that he used to feel that he was cursed, having been grown up in deep poverty in Hugo Chavez's socialist Venezuela. Years later he developed a new perspective which he shared with an audience during a speech about the dangers of socialism.
At age 17 he was awarded a full-ride scholarship to a University in Indiana to study economics; that is how he was able to leave Venezuela. After he finished his undergraduate studies he began to travel the country spreading the message of free enterprise. His testimony, and that of his fellow speakers with The Dissident Project, an organization he founded, educates and informs young students of what it is like to live under a totalitarian regime. The suffering he endured allows him to serve as an eyewitness to the evil nature and dangerous consequences of Marxism. His background as a dissident gives him the ability to fulfill the purpose God had for his life - to teach others to be grateful for the blessings of prosperity and to be a leader in the fight to preserve freedom. This is how he came to realize that his background and the suffering he endured was a blessing and a gift from God. I look up to these heroes and endeavor to one day see my trials and missteps as a blessing because I too suffered. I suffered due to mistaken interpretations of the Torah and cracks within the Kollel, Yeshiva and Bais Yaakov systems. These errors are causing inexplicable harm to young women - I am just one of the many casualties of the system. My greatest concern is how this harmful ideology impacts education for teenage girls in the Bais Yaakov system and the influence these ideas have on the dating culture in ultra-orthodox Jewish circles.
You will read my account of what it was like to grow up in the ultra-orthodox community and feel that my intention is to bash the Kollel system an slander religious jews. That is not my intention at all. Though I speak from raw emotion and with a desire for authenticity, I offer my story as a gift to my readers and to the orthodox Jewish community. I present this gift out of love for God, for his Torah and for his precious children, who stood at Har Sinai and with whom he made an eternal covenant. It is my fervent wish that educators, Rabbis and other Jewish leaders will heed my warning and realize that serious changes need to be made to prevent the calamity such as what happened to me from happening to your students and to your daughters and granddaughters. I fear that there is an existential danger to the future of the Jewish people and to the preservation of Torah learning and mitzva observance unless there is proper reflection in this matter and unless serious reforms are enacted.
In the following account I spotlight an unfair focus on the impact that "the modern iteration of Kollel ideology" as I call it, had on me. I acknowledge that there were many other factors that led to the suffering that I experienced; a myriad of factors led to the mistakes that I made and to the negative consequences and the mental illness that developed as a result. I choose not to share these details of my story to protect the privacy of myself and others. I was very careful when writing this narrative to refrain from pointing fingers at any identifiable person so as to avoid Loshon Hara. I have the right to share my story but not to share aspects of it that involve others who wish to maintain their privacy and anonymity with regard to their personal experience. There are also details personal to me that would be inappropriate to share in a public forum.
I also want to acknowledge the people and efforts that were made to help me, some that were ineffective in stopping me from going down this bad path, and the successful efforts of others who did help me extricate myself from a bad situation. I want to highlight that part of the corrosiveness of my upbringings was the way I was isolated from the wider society and conditioned to disregard the wise advice from relatives who cared about me. I was taught to mistrust my less religious relatives such as my aunt and uncle and older siblings. I was also unable to articulate my concerns and my confusions with wise adults in my orbit, such as my confusion regarding the influence of my Netura Karte friends and the pressure I experienced at age 16 to marry the grandson of the "Rabbi" who was best friends with Yasser Arafat. That same spring my teachers told me that they wanted to prevent me from spending the summer in NY so that I would not be influenced by my "modern" relatives. I did travel to NY that summer and actually left high school and Israel that year - the worst decision in my life. I did not know how else to escape an arranged marriage but I carried that suspicion and fear of spiritual corrosion with me to every encounter and relationship I had, a fear that made me feel even more muzzled and unable to share my burden with a relative, neighbor or friend who could possibly have given me support or guidance.
I did share my concerns with educators in the next Bais Yaakov I went to, and all I got was two years of further brainwashing of how idolatrous it was to get a college education, how terribly sinful it was to pursue any kind of wealth or material acquisition and what a damning thing it would be to ever get a divorce. Details or practical guidance on how to actually build and live a healthy and meaningful Jewish life - I got very precious little of that and only through reaching out to outside channels. I am forever grateful to the Rabbis and mentors there who gave me that little bit of advice that got me through my early twenties. I am even more grateful that the school I went to 17-19 years old eventually closed down and will no longer damage naive young girls in the way I was damaged. (Quite a few girls who went to that school divorced shortly after they got married and a high number developed serious mental illness that resulted in hospitalization and an inability to lead an independent and functional life.) In hindsight I should have done more research but I did not know at that age what I wanted or that I was even allowed to have an independent thought or that I was allowed to want something out of life. All I had was a sincere conviction that leading a deeply religious and spiritual life was my greatest ambition for life and a deep sense of anxiety that came from the subconscious awareness that I had no clue how to make that happen. The puzzle pieces would not add up no matter how hard I tried; this was a gap that no amount of passion could overcome.
Some of the Rabbis or educators I do blame. They were willfully neglectful and one or two I could honestly describe as ignorant to the point of evil. Most however had honest and pure intentions. The most damaging experience I had in high school happened at the hand of my favorite teacher. I have deep affection for her and I am in touch with her until this day.
In order to foster a specific environment and culture in the school she convinced me to call my close friend's mother and explain to her why her daughter must be removed from the school and transferred elsewhere. Somehow I felt like I was unable to tell my mother what was going on. My friend's mother and my mother were good friends, which made this even more awkward but by the second or third late night phone call from my teacher who I respected and trusted, I relented and did as she asked. Years later a therapist explained that this is called triangulation - involving me, a third party, into the conflict that she had with her student.
What is more, I was left wondering if this was a coded message for me that I was also unwelcome in the school. I was the first graduating class, so they had to accept everyone. The beginning of that school year, as I entered 11th grade, the school rescinded the acceptance of all the applicants of Sephardic lineage and from American families - including my sister. I was really confused as to what this meant for my place in the school.
One of the concerns my teacher raised was our participation in a performance with a Jewish women's group unaffiliated with the school, something she said that was in conflict with the educational standard of the school that emphasized that the only proper place for a woman is inside her home. This message made me even more confused. She had a career as a teacher - how can I fulfill my responsibility to support a Kollel husband if I am obligated to be a stay at home Mom? This feeling of confusion and guilt followed me years later making me doubt every step I took pursuing a career as a Speech Therapist and juggling the responsibilities of being a single Mom.
I am jumping the gun in an effort to highlight that I am trying not to have an emphasis of finger pointing and placing blame on others for my choices. Situations are multi-faceted and complex. If you or anyone you know find themselves in a toxic environment I really do not have any advice to offer just to say that you deserve better. If you already left an negative situation there are two resources that have been helpful to me: Amudim and a 12-step program ASCA . I know that if some friends or relatives read this they might pass judgement. I think that I do not have to justify my actions - why this particular suggestion or comment went unheeded at a particular time or another. I have heard it said that because some people did advise me to go on birth control when I first got married or suggested that they had concerns about my engagement that I disregarded, therefore I have no one to blame but myself.
I believe that friends and family have the right to their perspective regarding their experience as the relative or confidant of someone who was coerced into a marriage that ended in a divorce. I cannot determine what the experience was like for them or claim to know how they viewed it at the time or dictate how they should feel about it now, nearly 20 years later. They too cannot determine or dictate my assessment or perspective of what happened to me, or rewrite my narrative. I am not here to litigate every action or lack of action of my own or those around me. I am here to honestly share what transpired in the hopes that I will find healing and so that people who went through a similar experience can know that they are not alone. Told properly, as I have endeavored to do, my story can be a lesson for others.
What is unique and adds layers of complications for me is that 2 months before my Bas Mitzva my family moved to Israel. We did so for financial reasons but I was gaslit to believe that it was for my great benefit so that I could be privileged to be educated to live a more religious lifestyle.
Many friends of mine made Aliyah with their family as a preteen or slightly younger and experienced similar trials and tribulations as I did - this is not specific to my parents. I understand that 30 years ago there was little awareness to the negative impact of Aliyah on children.
It makes me very happy to hear that Rabbis from across the spectrum, Yeshivish to modern-orthodox, advise their congregants not to make Aliyah if their children have already reached school age. A young Kollel wife in Jerusalem told me about an organization, I think it is called Libeinu, that advises American families regarding the rules, expectations and cultural norms of the Chareidi school system so that they can ensure that their children matriculate and adapt and thus set them up for academic and social success. I admire many young families who initially settled in Israel early on in their marriage and when they realized that they were unable or unwilling to accommodate themselves to one of the social groups here they relocated their family back to the UK or the US to ensure their children would be raised in a community and educational environment that aligns with the norms and customs they see at home.
In NY we lived in an orthodox community but at the time we weren't "Yeshivish" - I had never heard of the term and I had never even heard of the concept of a father not working to support his family. We were most definitively not modern orthodox but beyond that I really did not think of Judaism as divided by labels. When we moved to Israel where we were confronted with a myriad of labels and kind of forced to contend with them all. My older siblings and their friends some of whom became American Yeshivish, some whom did not, the baalei Teshuva and Geirim who we got to know as Shabbos guests, the "American" young couples I would babysit for, the Litvish Chareidi mentality in my Bais Yaakov school and the Satmar/Neture karte influence from neighbors and newfound family friends. Each group espoused conflicting value systems and denigrated the culture and mentality of the other group. I felt a deep lack of identity and struggled socially in school. I craved the sense of belonging but did not know how to integrate and I constantly felt that I was not allowed to become part of the group for fear of the negative influence and reputation that would result from a strong association with my classmates and peer-group.
Throughout my teenage years, I would often hear people I respected wax poetical about the virtue of the Kollel lifestyle. This was a common conversation almost every Shabbos during my formative teenage years and in many educational and social environments.
My father left the workforce shortly after we moved to Israel and my family joined the Kollel movement. I was very proud that we were part of this elite cohort. This of course meant that he had no money to pay for many basic necessities such as an extra pair of shoes or transportation to and back from school, but I gladly went without these "luxuries" inspired by the belief that I was not only taking part and sharing in the merit of his Torah learning but that these choices were preparing me for my ultimate purpose - to be the wife of a Kollel student. I was so confused when my teachers expressed concern that instead of taking the Hasaah with my schoolmates I would walk across main roads that had no sidewalk and down an unpaved muddy hill in very cold weather. Wasn't this what they had taught me to do - sacrifice for Torah learning?
Class after class and at home I was reminded again and again that only a full time Torah scholar was a legitimate Jew. For a man to work was akin to idol worship or violating Shabbos. Furthermore, I was taught that a woman was incomplete and could only enter heaven through the study of her husband. I yearned for the day when I could feel a sense of pride in who I am. Feel comfortable in my own skin; feel that confidence that comes from knowing that I am worthy and that I belong.
I was meticulous in my dress and my actions assured in the promise that if I was modest I was guaranteed a great Shidduch. I faced ridicule for my clothing choices but persevered knowing that I was headed towards something higher and my reward was promised. The denigration I would face if I deviated from this path would be even greater.
You see when I first moved to Israel I experienced ostracization due to my American background. Growing up as a proud orthodox Jew it was shocking to discover that I wasn't Jewish enough. Suddenly there were all these boxes and categories and a whole new set of rules had to be adopted in order to make the cut.
I stopped wearing denim skirts. Only prostitutes wear that, I was told. We gave up our roller blades and went along with the idea that bike riding, camping and all the other fun things we did in the states would now be a thing of the past. The same confusing message was conveyed regarding makeup. Lipliner is akin to being a zona - I was told. I had to look up the word as this was the first time I heard it so I didn't understand what it meant.
The day of my sister's wedding there was a huge commotion over the choice to hire a makeup artist, but if what was a stake was our dignity and our innocence perhaps this was justified. Or was it?
I constantly heard how we were not good enough because we were too materialistic and these neighbors lived a higher level of spirituality because they were poor and lived a more spartan lifestyle. Wealth became an ugly word material possession felt shameful and dirty.
The first year we lived in Israel there were constant conflicts in school between the American and Israeli factions, or so it seemed. Actually, many of the girls who were bothered by our Americanized values were children of American immigrants. The tensions came to a head when my sister repeated some conversation she should not have and was promptly kicked out of school. I was sent as the emissary to beg the teacher to allow her to come back though I only spoke a broken Hebrew and didn't even understand at the time what she had done or why it was wrong.
This is all to explain my mindset going into 8th grade. All the rest of the more American contingent had left the school but for some reason it seemed like a smart idea to allow me to go back there. I hadn't seen these girls all summer and was sure of the cold reception I was going to face.
All these years later I can imagine these girls reading my words, as I have reconnected with some of them as adults. When we discussed it they felt horrible at what I had been through but I do not blame them. At 13 years old they were as equipped as I was to handle this clash of cultures.
It's important to me that you understand the context within which I was introduced to the concept of Kollel. That was the first year my father left the workforce, first as a Rabbi in a local yeshiva and then full time unpaid Kollel next door to our home. In the mind of a teenage girl struggling to fit in this seemed no different than the rest of the changes we made from our clothes to our hobbies to learning Hebrew. It was about becoming more religious to live up to the ideals and the standards of the Chareidi culture in Israel. I saw it is growing in spirituality and religious observance. Coming closer to God.
I recall one day in class when my teacher shared in detail her deeply personal feelings about being a Kollel wife. "I was walking home the other day, alone because my husband was in Kollel. I am usually alone in the evening because my husband is in Kollel. And I saw that the local school supplies store was still open and realized that Mrs. Olsen was also home alone (don't recall the name but it was the Mom and Dad of girls who were students in our school so we all knew exactly who she was talking about). I thought, how lucky I am. How privileged and proud I can feel about myself. She is alone but her husband is working and mine is learning."
The clear subtext is how superior she was to this woman. I knew then that this was my ticket and committed then and there that I too wanted to feel pride in who I am. Know that I belong and would not continue to be looked down upon. This was the pathway to relevancy and acceptance.
And I stuck with it. I learned to live simply and tried to acquire skills that could allow me to earn a living. I pushed away that feeling inside of me that suggested I might want to be focused on my children once I became a Mom. I studied all I could about faith and knowledge of God so I would be armed with the fortitude required to pull off this lifestyle.
I learned not to question authority and ignore the contradictions that were so blithely whitewashed. Here are some of the questions that plagued my mind:
- If we were superior to the people who work how can we justify taking money from donors?
- How is it OK that they work to earn the money to support us?
- How is it OK to look down on the people who make our lifestyle possible?
For years I never question any of it. To do so would make me a heretic. But when I entered the dating scene I could no longer avoid these inherent contradictions. Shadchanim looked at me with disdain and incredulity. How could I possibly think I was worthy of dating a yeshiva boy when I did not have parents who could commit to paying for our rent, food, groceries and all other living expenses for a young family for a minimum of 5 years - ideally ten.
One after another potential match said no because my father had no money. One young man did date me, behind his parents back, only to of course say no when his Dad found out that I had no money to offer. My entire worth as a person was tied to the money my parents did not have. To me this felt deeply unfair - how could he have money if he hadn't worked all these years? I had just graduated school so where was I supposed to have come up with that kind of sum?
On top of that, I also felt a complete lack of autonomy in what was supposed to be the most consequential decision of my life. After years of being reassured that marrying some you meet only several times is OK because you do your research ahead of time, I was now told that it was "off" to make these phone calls only own behalf and that my questions and concerns were silly and inappropriate. You get told who you date, you meet a few times and you trust God that this is your destined partner.
I felt so betrayed by all the promises I heard that if I conducted myself properly as a teenager I would be guaranteed a worthy spouse. All the lofty lectures I had heard over the years that my ticket to heaven was to be my spouse whom I would earn through kindness, character and modest dress - it all now rang hollow. But still I persevered because I knew nothing else and I refused to sell myself short.
To highlight the confusion and the whiplash I was feeling during this dark chapter I was also feeling guilty about going to University to become a licensed professional. It had been instilled in me for years and years that going to college was equivalent to turning my back on Judaism and entering the depths of hell. College was a God forsaken institution and any self respecting, pious and devout Jewish woman would not even consider committing this grave sin.
But I was equally bullied to the consequence of not going to college - it would be a failure of my wifely duties not to equip myself to earn a living at a high standard that a family can live on. Caught between a rock and a hard place I didn't even have the tools to consider my lack of secular education that left me ill prepared for the rigor demanded of this program or how I was going to cover the prohibitive tuition costs and support myself until my studies were complete. Just make it work. Carrying all this baggage I was delighted when a friend suggested that I meet her brother and assured me that money would be of no issue. For privacy, I won't specify what concerned me, these details are irrelevant to the story. The bottom line is that I brought these concerns to mentors and to a teacher. I was laughed at.
"Dina thinks dating is supposed to be like going to an amusement park. It's not supposed to be fun." I was ridiculing for wishing more out of life than it was meant to offer.
"You can't say no after one date," I was told. "Give it a chance."
And a second and a third. And then: "If you went on four dates that is proof that you like him. You must get engaged. It is sinful to strong it along. You have no other option that to marry this man of whom you express deep reservations and concerns - don't you realize how lucky you are that he has agreed to meet you? No other yeshiva boy would even consider hearing your name. You come from a poor family and this is the best you could hope for."
When I tried to apply stalling tactics I was yelled at and told that I was being chutzpadik, selfish and immature. Out of fear of reprisal and retaliation for disobeying the directives I was given - I went ahead and "closed the deal".
Throughout the engagement I tried again and again to get out of what I instinctively knew was a mutually toxic relationship. I had come to realize that I myself had some deep seated issues and was ill equipped to handle the responsibilities of a marriage. This thing I had dreamed of for so long now seemed like a terrible future and I wanted no part in it. I was overruled.
"You are rash and impulsive." These were some of the words that were used to successfully convince me that I was too young and stupid to know my own mind. That is would be fool-hardly and even sinful to break off an engagement.
Lacking a backbone or the knowledge of how to even think for myself I allowed myself to be swept along. I got married and after five torturous months I realized that my health and my wellbeing was in jeopardy. Now that I had a child on the way that I was responsible for I finally found the courage to do what I knew was right.
I have been told many times that leaving a situation that was wrong for me has tremendous value regardless of what followed. I find it hard to congratulate myself considering that what followed: abandoning my child, succumbing to depression, losing my speech therapy license, leading a dysfunctional and unproductive life for many years and countless suicide attempts.
While I remain in doubt as to the sum virtue of my choices what is clear to me is that the brainwashing and the bullying I experienced was not just wrong- it was evil. Yes, I made some bad choices. I wasn't perfect. But the environment I was raised in and the ideology that I was taught is dangerous and unacceptable.
I am not an outlier. My story is different than most, yet I have seen how these harms affect countless others. I have discussed this topic with friends, family and acquaintances - many righteous Jewish women who are building beautiful Torah homes. They are dedicated wives and loving mothers and devote themselves to keeping Shabbos and creating a safe and nurturing environment for their families. Some of my friends juggle a demanding career alongside their familial responsibilities and some have the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom. Each with their unique reasons and circumstance. Heartbreakingly, so many shared with me the guilt they carry and the inadequacy they feel because their husband does not learn Torah full time. Honest work is something they feel gives them shame and a feeling of loss. Heroically, they do not abandon Torah and Mitzvos. They remain committed to the Jewish community all while hearing this little voice in their head that tells them that in the eyes of the Torah they aren't good enough. In Chareidi circles - they didn't cut it.
Until recently I could only imagine what goes on in their husband's minds and how can they get up every day and face the challenges of work, Torah studies, mitzva observance and joyful parenting shackled by this oppressive worldview that condemns them and defines them as second rate. Recently I found myself face-to-face in conversation with a Yeshiva bochur and listened to the anguish of this earnest and devout young man who couldn't make it in Yeshiva. He had come to the realization that continuing Torah studies full time was not feasible for him. I did not get the chance to hear from him why he was returning to the states and entering the workforce but he shared with me the guilt that he carried and the inferiority he felt with regard to his next chapter. I was gratified that he wanted to hear my perspective and open to the idea that a life dedicated to industriousness and earning an honest living was also holy. It is so painful to me that he walked away from the conversation unconvinced that his pathway is just as worthy in the eyes of God.
The Yeshiva bochur and I met each other when together we confronted a Christian missionary who tried to share the gospel in Rabbi Machlis' succah at the Friday night seudah on Shabbos Chol Hamoed. We tried to explain to him why his behavior was inappropriate, disrespectful and - in our eyes - evil. This made me think: since when is the belief in one god no longer the cornerstone of Judaism? Historically the essence of a committed jew was the willingness to give your life for "Shema Yisrael hashem Elokainu Hahsem Echad." Judaism has been hijacked by an insidious combination of Marxism and an egotistic notion reminiscent of guided age elitism.
We don't even hear about the value and importance of "נשאת ונתתה באמונה" or the beauty of the blessings of industry and prosperity. Judaism today is not about a shared belief, legacy and heritage - its about status and pretending that the Torah has nothing to say about wealth acquisition. Moshe was chosen as a leader because he was independent wealthy. For other reasons as well, but this is a vital criteria for a Jewish leader, and yet we have to pretend he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. The topic of wealth acquisition is never addressed almost as if the Torah has no guidance in this matter. Wealth is just something some people have and others do not.
When I was 19 years old I asked the wife of a respected Rabbi how to reconcile these issues. I had heard from her husband's lectures about the danger of college, the importance of Bitachon and the crucial importance of Torah learning but it had also been drilled into me that a woman's not allowed to have a career because she must dedicate her life to taking care of her home and her children. She said to me, "but Dina we also have to live in reality."
The message was clear, Torah and reality are in conflict. The Torah does not provide a framework and a guide for living your life. It was nearly 20 years before I learned of Adam Smith and his book "The Wealth of Nations" that finally explained to me the virtue of honest work and the nobility and responsibility in pursuing your own self interest and providing for the welfare of your family. Why did it have to be a non-Jewish economist, Daniel Di Martino, to teach me ideas stated clearly in the Torah?
(The verse in Aishes Chayil in Mishlei - Proverbs - comes to mind: "she travels far to bring home bread," and the examples set by our forefathers who worked as shepherds and worked and harvested the land. Shevet Zevulun who were honest traders, Maimonodies' brother who engaged in that noble profession, Maimonides' work as a physician, same with Rabbi Yehudah Haleivi, author of the Kuzari. Rash"i owned a wine shop, and Boaz, wife of Ruth, who owned and operated a successful farm on his vast properties.)
How backwards is it that a worldwide famous Rebetzin thinks it is OK to bash Walmart - "look at all this gashmius," she cried out in anguish, lamentation and rebuke, describing the wide array of choices and the shelves stocked to the brim with food and basic household items. I think if she lived in Venezuela she would recognize how blessed she is to live in America where hard work is valued and free market principles are upheld. Hearing Mr. Di Martino describe the joy he feels every time he walks through a supermarket made me realize how sinful it is to denigrate the blessings of prosperity and wealth. He is filled with so much gratitude to the point of taking pictures of the cereal and meat and posting these pictures to his X account to celebrate and thank God to live in the United States of America. He says that the supermarket is one of his favorite places for him and other dissidents. He has the lived experience of shopping in grocery stores with empty shelves, where you can only shop on your designated two days of the week based on your ID number, where you have to checkout using your fingerprint to ensure you don't purchase more than your allotted quota and you are therefore barred from taking home that second package of toilet paper.
I am so grateful to Mr. Di Martino because I was inspired by his message to get out of a recent long-term depression. "Participating in a system of economic prosperity is a noble and virtuous mission." When speaking to a group of Catholic high school and college students he said: "Let me tell you, being poor is not make you more Christian. Is not going to make you happier. As the Venezuelan people did not become happier when we became poorer. We became very unhappy."
It is ironic that I learned about the virtue of wealth and prosperity from a Catholic because they have the erroneous belief that is antithetical to Judaism that there is virtue in choosing to live a life of poverty. In Judaism one has to bring a sacrifice of repentance after taking on a vow to be a Nazir. The Torah teaches that there is no shame or guilt in enjoying the pleasures of this earth. Using the physical as part of our spiritual service to God such as food for nourishment, intimacy within the halachic guidelines of a Kosher and Jewish marriage, fancy clothing to celebrate Chag or a simcha - this elevates those very materialistic trappings and elevates us for using the physical to honor God.
Somewhere along the way Rabbis and school teachers thought it was OK to demonize wealth acquisition and entrepreneurship. How did this cancer spread in our society that we don't even question this or call it out? These so called leaders fear no repercussion advocating against prosperity and industry and they seem to carry no sense of obligation to consider the ramifications of the terrible ideas that they advocate for and perpetuate.
The only concerns for a Jew regarding wealth acquisition is to engage honestly in business, to use the money to honor God and to find balance in life with regard to pursuing a career and financial goals alongside spiritual and religious pursuits. The Talmud has entire מסכתאות devoted to how we engage in business honestly - the rest of the Torah details the many other obligations and duties of a devout Jew. Wealthy Jews who earned their fortune through honest trade and use their blessings to improve society and benefit others should be lauded. Miriam Adelson is a well-known philanthropist who was cited as key to the efforts to end the war in Gaz and bring home the hostages. Irving Moskowitz and his wife dedicated their lives to building homes, synagogues, Yeshivot and social welfare organizations all over Israel. Steve Witkof has dedicated his time and efforts to comfort families who lost a loved one to addiction and dedicated his wealth to fighting the opioid crisis. He spent his own money to fly across the globe rescuing American hostages - and of course the hostages kidnapped by Hamas on October 7.
There is of course the concern of excess as it says in the פסוק: וישמן ישורון ויבע. I applaud the efforts to the unnecessary pressures for unattainably high living standards when it comes to exotic vacations, a seminary year abroad, fancy weddings, ect. By golly - Tefilin and Yeshiva tuition alone can break the bank for an average frum family. Greed and hyper materialism is corrosive to an individual and leads to societal decay. Moderation means living within one's means and living a wholesome life that balances material needs with Torah learning, mitzva observance, family life and communal obligations. This is not equated with deprivation or lifelong guilt for being a human being with human needs and a desire to create, build and provide worth to society or a basic decent standard of living for oneself and one's family. Judaism does not celebrate a life of celibacy and voluntary suffering.
During the course of my research again and again advocates for this ideology responded to my concerns with a justification that Torah learning is the highest ideal. It would be rude to tell a Rabbi or an interlocuter "you are a liar". I usually hold my tongue but how else am I too feel when these people keep contradicting themselves? So many Rabbis, Rebbetzins and other orthodox Jews talk out of both sides of their mouth when it comes to this topic.
If a Kollel lifestyle is really about sacrificing materialism in exchange for spirituality, how is it that the first question a Yeshiva boy asks when looking for a spouse is "how much money will her father give me?" That is hypocrisy right there. And antithetical to Torah values. In Judaism marriage is a partnership built on loyalty and respect and the worth of a woman should be based on her character and not summed up in how much money she does or does not have.
There is another glaring inconsistency I want to call out. How can you advocate for a highest ideal that not everyone can attain? This is in direct contradiction with the teachings that one is supposed to balance work and Torah, the value of integrating with society. If you say that "Kollel is a noble path that some people should choose" - while recognizing that supporting and spreading Torah learning is a community partnership - that I can agree with. What troubles me is that in the goal of advancing the cause of Torah Kollel people are taught to consider themselves superior and to turn their nose down on Baalei Batim. It has also become acceptable to demonize honest work.
In Judaism we believe in the equal value and worth of every Mitzva observant Jew. I have been told that Jewish people are like an orchestra, one who earns a living is no less worthy than one who dedicates his life to Torah scholarship to the exclusion of vocational pursuits. This is in contrast to the catholic clergy who do act as the intermediaries between the worshipers and God. They live at a so called higher spiritual level than the parishioners. The ego and superiority infused into the Kollel mindset as it is presented and encouraged today appears to be very similar to the catholic dynamic between the worshipers with the vicar of Christ.
Considering the relentless onslaught of these ideas on my developing psyche I will be honest about how I feel when I think of an orthodox Jewish man. I get the same reaction that Megyn Kelly describes that she feels when she thinks of Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is a misogynist who operates a pimping website and advocates beating women and expressing pride in your manhood through engaging in the degrading subjugation of women. That is how I feel about orthodox Rabbis. I get a twist in my stomach when I think of an orthodox man.
(These feelings have also evolved as a result of the subsequent fear mongering from Rabbis when I sought a divorce - threatening me with damnation and the burden of sin should I choose to say no to a situation that I knew so clearly to be wrong.)
I recall when I first met my neighbors in French Hill - they are very kind people with a generous open home. I was tired of being bored and lonely on Friday nights and asked to join them. I got there before shul ended and just his nod as he said hello made my stomach twist. Despite the fear of the danger they posed to me I am glad I took that risk. Meeting them changed my life.
Over time I became best friends with his wife. Though she is the one who hosts me for shabbat meals and is married to the Torah scholar she treats me like I am a Rebbetzin, respecting the knowledge and expertise that I can offer. Despite my lack of religious observance and mental health issues they hired me to be their sons speech therapist. This spurred me to open a private practice and develop my skills as a competent professional. I gained confidence in the belief that I had something of value to contribute to the world.
I also developed a relationship with a young Kollel couple the next neighborhood over. We have a connection from back home and it was just easier to develop a friendship with her based on our shared background than to develop a new social network. Another kollel family entrusted me with the safety of their preemie and gave me the privilege of taking care of him in the NICU. They needed the help what with an older daughter and the newborn twin back at home. These friendships were really painful and complicated to me - constantly fearing rejection, always on guard and suspicious of their words and their actions. Carrying with me to every interaction the awareness in the back of my head that these people disrespect me and look at me in judgement. I tried really hard to make friends through a secular organization, Hillel, but nothing stuck. So my social circle continued to be exclusively Chareidi families in Jerusalem.
It was so painful for me to be constantly surrounded by people I loved and deeply cared about but served to me as a constant symbol of rejection. I hated everything they stood for but they were my friends and I wasn't willing to give up these friendships over ideological difference. I still join their shul on chag and feel no joy in the dancing, no connection to the community and to the shared mission their celebration stands for. It has no meaning meaning for me.
My own son is carrying on this tradition. I care about him and I am so proud of the discipline and intentionality of his actions. His wisdom, ambition, humility and deep insight give me huge hope for the future of the Jewish people. His very existence is everything to me and having a relationship with him is the most important thing in my life.
I know that his future wife is currently being educated in this very school of thought that has caused me so much heartache. The two of them will one day raise their children in this lifestyle, with God's help. Yet I feel so disconnected. What part do I have in it? My friends, my community and my own family are perpetuating a system that I have only experienced as deeply corrosive and dare I say anti-human.
Intellectually I can see how they found a balance in the competing responsibilities and ideals but I feel forever stuck as I can't walk away but I can't wash away the raging negative emotions that shadow every interaction and thought I have with them. For a while I disconnected from everyone. Retreated again into a depression. For a long time -once for a five year period and more recently for a time frame that lasted around a year - I went into isolation and avoided all social interaction or any sense of functionality and had many many suicide attempts. That got me nowhere.
One situation did move the needle but I only realized it when I heard the story of Adriana/Adina, a Christian girl who converted to Judaism after working as the #non-Jewish nanny for orthodox children in Boca Raton. I realized that I had a work experience similar to hers.
I had been working in an early childhood clinic in Arnona providing speech therapy to children from diverse backgrounds. Then this one boy came and his father - with his black pants, black Kippah and starched white shirt - was the perfect embodiment of all the people who had so betrayed and hurt me all those years ago. It was painful for me to work with his child when doing so required sitting side by side with what felt to me the person who had caused me life lasting wounds. Not him, but in my heart it felt one and the same.
What was even more jarring was the deep respect with which he treated me. Not just polite but seeking my unique insight and wisdom. How could someone who considers me an outcast and a heretic be asking me to give him guidance? From the toys he should purchase to the formation of the tongue for the production of various sounds he hung onto every word. His wife - when was able to come - was even worse. The judgement and coercion from woman had been the nail on the coffin. From the stylish wig to her sweet demeanor she seemed to be oozing contempt. So I assumed. Everything about her reminded me of this deeply ingrained feeling of rejection. Yet her actions did not match that and I constantly had this feeling like I was in some kind of "twilight zone".
I was professional and never shared with anyone how I felt. It was such a pleasure to work with dedicated parents who not only appreciated my expertise but were partners in my efforts. To see their son flourish was a joy as a clinician and when I can see a direct result and benefit from my work not just on the child but on the entire family unit that always gave me so much satisfaction. This incongruence between the courtesy they showed to me and the wholesomeness in how they treated their child - it scattered my preconceived notions of Kollel people. I reached out to them a few years later on a different topic and they expressed to me the lasting impact I had on their child but they will never know the impact they had on me.
It is with all this complexity that I come to the question my dear friend asked me. She is a high school teacher. Focused and industrious, she supports her husband in learning and seeks to instill in her students an aspiration to do the same. When I presented to her the downside of this educational goal she asked me, but how to I inspire my students without telling them that there is something higher in this lifestyle?
I think the solution lies in the problem. Most teachers do not even know the history of Kollel why it was started and what it sought to accomplish. We don't live in pre war Europe, post war America and Israel is an established Jewish homeland. It would not be advised on this day an age for a couple to live with the brides' parents for the first decade or so of their life as the Chofetz Chaim did with his daughter. But when we understand the origins of the Kollel movement and the Yeshiva system and if we were to teach this vital history together with a robust understanding of all the values of Torah and mitzva observance along with what the Torah has to say about business, Adam Smith and free enterprise than we will be setting our children and the next generation up for a life of joy and meaning and a healthy balance in pursuing all these ideals at the highest level possible.
Thank you for taking the time to read my a deeply heartfelt and complex testimony, reflecting both profound respect for Torah learning and a candid critique of the modern Kollel system’s impact on individuals, especially women. The tension between valuing full-time Torah study and recognizing the dignity of honest work is a real challenge in many Orthodox communities today. Judaism teaches the equal worth of all mitzvah-observant Jews, whether scholars or workers, and the Torah itself honors industriousness and prosperity when pursued ethically. I call for balance, education, and reform which, I believe, resonates strongly with the Torah’s emphasis on human dignity and spiritual growth. It’s essential that our communities foster environments where people can flourish emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually without coercion or shame. My story is a powerful reminder that Torah must be a source of life and joy, not pain or alienation.
In the next article I write on this topic I hope to share this positive vision for what Kollel has been and what it can become. I plan to include suggestions for reforms that will foster healthy and authentic Judaism and allow for human flourishing and the preservation of Torah for our children and grandchildren and all the generations to follow.
The photos below comprise a journal entry of sorts that I wrote on this topic several days after my most recent suicide attempts. A friend had called me that morning and during the course of that discussion I decided to change course and see again what life had to offer. Sifting through my confusion on the topic of human value and the dignity of work was one of the first steps I took towards that effort.
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So much joy seen in the free market worldview (specifically my recent discovery of Venezuelan born economist Daniel Di Martino).
But so much pain that I wasn’t raised this way. I did get advice but without philosophical underpinning and was so brainwashed by them.
It’s sad — not in a self-pity sadness — but in a holding myself and giving understanding and comfort.
But my issues weren’t just financial, also philosophical — knowing how to think for myself or how to research and find the facts or the underlying principles to guide myself.
I guess everyone eventually dies and even a mid-range life is short in the scope of history.
I feel I learned the lessons too late.
Perhaps it is just a matter of luck.
For me it was failing to find and follow the correct mentors, social skills with friends and teachers, and switching often between groups.
I can blame the system. However many people learn to read between the lines and be their own teacher.
It starts with having permission to explore ideas w/o predetermined conclusion and freedom to figure out for oneself one’s life path.
Here is where I think Free Market Enterprise is aligned w/ freedom and where the kollel philosophy goes astray.
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There is an idea of legitimacy and relevance and only the best is sufficient.
Plenty promoted interests are making out the framework.
The Torah teaches "each man under his olive tree and his vineyard" and "a righteous woman travels far to bring bread home for her family" not socialism where we all own shared property — this is not the Jewish path and neither is taking from the rich to pay the poor, that is stealing.
Since elimelech was punished and boaz was rewarded, in Judaism,
We have faith that reward/punishment comes from G-d — charity should not be imposed by the government.
The attitude of learning and welfare to subsidize Torah is wrong. (Hud, medicaid to subdize kollel families in lakewood and other kollel communities.
It is an individual’s responsibility to balance pursuing a living, raise a family and uphold individual spiritual pursuits.
It is up to the individual to demonstrate value of his revelation, raise funds + contributions to support his spiritual endeavors.
With the understanding that for me this is all theoretical, given stage of life, from various perspectives — that being said, the balance is for each person, family, community to find the path that is true for them.
Perhaps the philosophical theorizing is my contribution.
