Musings of a Mother - Yeshiva Days

 

Ive been fascinated the past few years with politics and governance as a way to help me understand the world and learn how to navigate within the systems and maze that had for so long bewildered me and left me feeling lost; aimless and adrift. Perhaps my interest in policy and political philosophy is what gave me the courage and curiosity to explore the world outside my four walls (I had spent majority of a five-year period huddled in my bed,hiding in the safety of the four walls that were both my refuge and my prison.) During the 2016 presidential primary I was struck by the fact that the candidates were proposing ideas for education as if they were so insightful and revolutionary that for this alone they deserve to be elected; while i knew that these were ideas that had already been implemented years before in Yeshiva Darchei Torah. Also innovative options such as charter schools, school choice - I cried when the girl stood up at the State of the Union speech when President Trump congradulated her for academic acheivement. I think she got a masters in social work, but im not sure, and this is in some credit to the opportunity to attend a private school through school voucher after she failed out of two public schools -and to know that Darchei has already paved the way on these trailblazing issues as well. Many choices I have made in my life hounded me years later deliberating the could have should have and would have. I have never regretted choosing to send my son to darchei and therefore it was especially meaningful for me to see the intersection of public policy and private life when betsy devos visited darchei. Jewish people should be a light onto the naitions and this was an incredible kiddush hashem and that is why I felt moved to post the write up of this even onto my blog. https://theshunamshindig.blogspot.com/2018/07/betsy-meet-bender-secretary-of.html

U.S. Education Secretary Visits Yeshiva Darchei Torah, Making History

מסע דתי אל מסורת יהודית

 נדחה על ידי שליחי האל:

מה גרם לי לחקור את הנצרות וכיצד המסע הזה עזר לי לגלות מחדש את אמונתי היהודית.

משמעות והסבר לכותרת.

"אן גרהם לוץ", בתו של בילי גרהם, אוונגליסט נוצרי מפורסם, כתבה ספר שכותרתו "נפגעתי על ידי שליחי אלוהים". בספר היא מפרטת את חוויית הדחייה שלה על ידי הכנסייה שלה והשפלתה בפומבי מול כל בני הקהילה להם הקדישה את חייה. אן שיתפה את החוויית שלה כששהתה בגלות רוחנית מהכנסייה ואיך לבסוף היא מצאה את הדרך חזרה לכנסייה, אמנם בקהילה חדשה, שבה הצליחה למצוא את מקומה. היא מספרת על נסיונות החוויה הזו - להיות "מאמין בגולה" - שזו כולל את האתגר לבחור במחילה. היא חולקת את הקושי להבין כיצד "מאמינים", כלומר, נוצרים כמוה - יכולים לנהוג באכזריות כזו. 

סיפורה הוא עדות לכוחה של רוח האדם לחיות עם דיכוטומיה וחוסר וודאות. צפיתי בראיון בו היא שיתפה את תחושתה ודנה בספר והרגשתי מאוד מחוברת לכותרת, במיוחד לתחושת הבלבול.  הרגשתי שהכותרת שהיא בחרה בה, כמעט אוקסימורון, היא הביטוי המושלם לחוויה שגם אני הזדהיתי איתה.

הרהורים אישיים.

 לאחרונה קיימתי שיחה שנויה במחלוקת עם אישה דתייה בירושלים על מידת הערך של היחיד. במהלך השיחה היא ציטטה מדרשים ומשניות כדי להצדיק את אמונותיה: היא הצהירה, באופן נחרץ, שתלמיד ישיבה (אדם העוסק אך ורק בלימוד תורה) אהוב יותר על האלוהים ויש לו יותר שווי מהותי מאשר פועל נאמן. כאשר התמודדה עם התוצאה המסוכנת שעלולה לנבוע מתפיסת עולמה היא ניסתה לבטל את המטרדים הללו כטריוויאליים ולטייח את התרחישים האמיתיים המעידים על כך; כולל הדוגמאות שסיפרתי מחיי שבהן נעשה שימוש באידיאולוגיה זו כדי לפגוע בי ולגרום לי כאב גדול. 

השתלשלות הארועים.

 מגיל צעיר מאוד חשתי שאני שווה פחות מאחרים בגלל הרקע שלי: המשפחה שלי ומאפיינים אחרים שאין לי שליטה עליהם. 

הסתכלות מעוותת זאת נוצרה לי מכיון שעברתי לארץ חדשה בגיל ההתבגרות. התחנכתי בקהילות דתיות שונות שניבדלות מאוד זו מזו מבחינה מנטלית והשקפתית.

האתגר להסתגל שוב ושוב למנטליות חדשה גרם לי לתחושת חוסר שייכות לקהילה היהודית. כל מיני התנהגויות קיצוניות שנתקלתי בהם ותפיסת עולם שנובעת מהם נחוו אצלי כמציאות היחידה שקיימת וכדת וחוק בישראל.

במהלך שנות העשרה שלי  היה נראה שגדלתי להיות נערה ואישה  צעירה עם כמיהה עמוקה לרוחניות ונחישות לחיות את חיי במסירות  לעבודת האלוהים. במבט לאחור כמיהה זו לרוחניות לא נבעה ממקום פנימי או ממקור של התעוררות אוטנתית; לא חוויתי התפתחות רגשית בריאה וטבעית.

למעשה מה שחוויתי הוא תחושה חוזרת ונשנית של פחד עמוק - פחד להיות בלתי ראוייה. יש שיקראו לזה שטיפת מוח. 

אט אט רכשתי תפיסת עולם בה הטשטשו הקווים המבדילים בין משפט האלוקים לבין משפטה של החברה. בתוך תוכי ידעתי שאם לא אצליח לעמוד בקריטריונים ובנורמות שקבעה החברה יהיו לכך השלכות קטסטרופליות. וכך יצאתי למשימת חיי לברוח מכאב זה; כאב של כישלון בלתי נמנע משום שמרוץ הבריחה יוצר כאב ופחד בפני עצמו. בנוסף לכך, בלתי אפשרי היה לעמוד בסטנדרטים הבלתי מציאותיים, כך שנועדתי לכישלון כבר על קו הזינוק. מי יודע אם לא בגלל זה אני מתעוררת פעמים רבות בבוקר בתחושה כאילו דרסה אותי משאית.

נאמר לי, ובין השורות קלטתי, שחברותי לכיתה ושכני טובים ממני, ובהחלט טובים יותר ממשפחתי. התקווה היחידה שהייתה לי לטפס למעלה ולהצדיק את קיומי הייתה לחקות אותם.

המסר היה ברור - אסור שתיהיה לך דעה עצמאית, אין לך כל ערך בפני עצמך, ומהותך נובעת מאיתנו. אלוהים עצמו

מתעב אותך, ורק אנו מהווים את התקווה היחידה לחיות ולהינצל מהגרדום.

Rejected by God's People:

What gravitated me to explore Christianity and how this journey helped me rediscover and reclaim my Jewish Faith.




Introduction. I'd love for this to be a clear cut and cohesive manifesto; that's my standard as an author, and will serve my general goal of effective writing - that my words will be read. It is my fervent hope that many individuals will be inspired and that this memo will bring about a positive influence to the world at large. More specifically, clear articulation of my thoughts will actualize the intention that my experiences and the perspective I gleaned from them make an impact. Yet, I have been developing these ideas for a while now, and because the topic is so personal and nuanced, I feel that in this instance I need to follow where my heart leads me.




Origins of the title. Ann Graham Lotz, the daughter of a famous Chistian-Evangelist, wrote a book titled, "Wounded by God's People." In the book, she details her experience of being rejected by her Church and publicly humiliated in front of all the parishioners to whom she had dedicated her life. Ann shared the experience of practicing her faith in exile and finding her way back to a Church in which she could find her place. As she relates the trials of this experience - including the challenge to choose forgiveness- she shares the difficulty to come to understand how “believers” - fellow Christians - could act with such cruelty. Witnessing this inconsistency first hand and maintaining her faith in God through it all is a testament to the power of the human spirit to live with dichotomy and uncertainty. I watched an interview in which she shared her journey and discussed the book. I felt very connected to the title, especially how it captured the confusion of such an experience - almost an oxymoron - yet the perfect phrase to characterize an experience that I too identified with.




Personal Reflections. I recently had a somewhat contentious conversation about the measure of an individual's worth with a religious woman in Jerusalem during which she quoted midrashim and mishnayot to justify her beliefs: She stated, quite emphatically, that a Torah scholar is more beloved by God and has greater intrinsic worth than an honest laborer. When confronted with the poisonous logical conclusion to her worldview she tried to dismiss these annoyances as trivialities and whitewash the very real scenarios that testify to such; specifically, the examples I related in my life where this ideology was used to harm me and inflict upon me great pain. Perhaps I brought up the topic during the conversation to find resolution for resentment I am holding onto. Initially, I told myself that the conversation itself is what agitated old wounds and caused forgotten pain to reassert itself.




Here’s the backstory. From a very young age I was taught that I was worth less than others due to my background, my family, and other characteristics of which I had no control. I moved to a new country as a preteen and moved through various orthodox communities that differed greatly from one another with regard to mentality and hashkafa (philosophy and perspective.) Throughout my teenage years it appeared to me that I slowly and confidently blossomed into a righteous young woman with a deep yearning for spirituality and above all a determination and commitment to live a life of devotion to God. Looking back, I was not inspired and I did not experience natural growth or a healthy emotional development. Rather, I was instilled with a deep fear of being inadequate. Some would go so far as to say I was being brainwashed. I took the bait hook line and sinker. Purposefully left uneducated and naive, the lines had become blurred between the judgement of God vs. the judgement of others. All I knew, on a gut level and with a strong visceral sense, was that if I failed to measure up there would be catastrophic consequences. And so I set about my life's mission to escape that pain, inevitable though that was, because the running, the fear, and the unrealistic standards were inescapable and already at the starting line I was outrun and overrun. Perhaps that's why until this day I wake up every morning with the sensation that every inch of my body has been wrung on a rack and hit by a truck. Yet I digress. On a simple level, I was told that my classmates and neighbors were better than me, definitely better than my family, and any hope I had of rising from the gutter was to imitate them. The message was clear - you are not allowed to have an independent voice and you have no inherent worth. God himself despises you. We, an unnamed, unfaced collection of superiors, are your only hope for redemption.




Inevitable Conclusions. It took many years, but I finally left orthodox Judaism altogether. I no longer live with a noose around my neck. I broke free. Back to my shocking encounter: In a follow-up conversation she did attempt to provide nuance and apologized for the offense I took. I thanked her for the apology, for her honesty, and for the clarity and reminder of the catalyst and reason for which I left orthodox Judaism in the first place. I had come to a point in which I literally ran out of energy to keep running from the condemnation. I fell into a deep depression and after fighting it off for many months I lost the battle and succumbed to fool insanity. The square box that had been drawn for me had become so small, there was no space left inside. By this time I had begun to experience chest pains and felt I couldn't breathe. I was petrified to leave the house or come face to face with anyone, and when I did step outdoors I felt an excruciating sense of doom and dread - a feeling mirrored in every muscle, organ and bone in my body. The perception of worth-lessnes defined every aspect of who I had become. I rejected my friends, I refused to talk to family members, and finally, when I hit rock bottom, I abandoned my son. The pain of existence had become greater than my love for my child. Every time I thought of him: the joy of giving to him, the longing to provide for him, the yearning he had for me to return to him - all these feelings just caused the knife stabbed in my heart to be thrust deeper. I was damaged goods; the unshaken prediction of my inevitable failure convinced me that I had failed him as well and I couldn't bear to see his precious smile or to reciprocate when he gave me a hug. I didn't deserve to be a mother and I certainly didn't deserve his love.




Further into the Abyss. When my sister tried to reach out, I responded with negativity and a prophecy of doom. Several years later, as I was contemplating another of many many suicide attempts, it was her words, relayed to me by another sister that peirced through the armour of walls I had built to protect myself - walls that had become a crushing coffin and a living grave.

"Rachel told me that she would love if you'd move to her town in Calorado," she said. "She even suggested that you move into her house. She misses you and would love to have family nearby." (Names and places have been changed to protect identity.)

Then she added the clincher.

"You know you have options." Did she add the words “in life” or is my head filling in that gap? I don't know. What I do know is that then and there I decided to stop self-medicating various trials to reach a lethal dose of whatever drugs I could get my hands on and instead explore the possibility of a new life on Earth. New location, new social circle, new religion, new me. I boarded a bus to Jerusalem and set out to discover what Christianity had to offer.




Born Again. It turns out, Christianity had a lot to offer. So much so, that was the last time I seriously contemplated ending my life and I have been on a journey of rebirth ever since.




Wait - what? I kind of feel finished for now, I will share the rest of my story when I feel ready, if ever. For now I will just fill in some gaps in the narrative.For starters I did not convert to Christianity and I am still searching for my place on this Earth. I have discovered the capabilities within me to embark on this search and have taken the permission that I now know I will never receive from others. I took it for myself.




Travesty of the Truth. One topic that I alluded to was Torah learning as a full-time occupation; leaving the question of finances in limbo. A woman who pursues a career to support her family commits the travesty of abandoning her “post”. (In a complicated relationship of triangulation, my high school recruited me to help them expel my best friend because she participated in an all girls theatrical performance. The entire Jewish nation was at risk of extermination and annihilation if I didn't help with this task. Wink, wink. We know you secretly performed as well. You too are condemned. Keep your silence or you too risk shame and social ostracization.) College and vocational school can also lead you to hell. If you question where money will come from you are a heretic who dares falter in his faith of God; yet if you don't have a financial plan you are a lunatic who is out of touch with reality. Be on guard for the evil influence of your inferior family yet if you question the wisdom of their "advice" you are rash, impulsive, irrational, and how dare the Chutzpah! Halocha was used as a tennis racket, I was the ping-pong ball, and everyone around me learned real quick how to score a win and bring me to their side: be the bigger bully. Make me more scared of rejecting their mandate than the dictate of others. When I did reach out to a Rabbi or Rebetzin on the topic of finances, I was told, "Well you have to live within reality." Aha. So the Torah you and others taught me all these years is not in line with reality. It was crystal clear in my head. I can recall the conclusion like it was yesterday; life has offered me a lose/lose proposition. You can sacrifice your spiritual ideals or you can condemn yourself to privation. Be condemned to Hell or be condemned as a lunatic. Neither was a viable option. I couldn't trade one for the others and so I picked the next best alternative. Flail my arms and hope for a liferope to save me from this sinkhole. None came. In it's a place I was faced with an avalanche of rocks, stones and bricks. When one relative wanted to be helpful she offered this gem, "It's not your fault that you are such a misfit and an idiot. Your worldview is flawed because of how you were raised." Kind of embellished there. You get my point. (In a very religious environment in Israel.) Except when a neighbor wanted to soften her criticism of my religious flaws, of being of inferior level of piety than her “group”, she said the same thing. I experienced this bigotry in reverse during my teenage years. I could never escape it and I could never win. So I am irredeemable because I am American but also because I am Israeli. I angered God because I fervently want to please him and I also lack sufficient desire to be a true servant. How dare I complain when Jeiwsh people insult me, mislead me or condemn me - you were a bad girl and that's exactly what you deserve.




Truth Reimagined. Finally, I was told the truth by Evangelical politicians and Catholic philosophers and even Christian singers and songwriters. "You are beloved because you are a daughter of God. Your heavenly father created you, infused you with his breath and sustains your every living moment with the power of his omnipotent hand. Designed in his image you have inherent value and unbreakable dignity and worth. You are priceless and you no longer need to walk in shame." My questions made sense to them and were validated. They used logic, coherence and common sense to demonstrate the insight and guidance from the bible and I learned how God's word can be used to navigate the wonderful, magical, yet mystifying and confusing world in which we live. That fateful day in Elul תשע"ח I revisited a Messianic bookshop and then discovered Christ Church, a place where I found peace and acceptance and where eventually I met a pastor who has given me clarity and guidance and new friends who love me unconditionally and gave me the confidence, support and courage to transform my life.




Pickled Oysters and Muddy Pearls. Shortly thereafter I was introduced to the activists and staff at Yad Leachim who helped me see that these lessons and anchors were there for me all along, in Judaism - my birthright. I had been fed a pack of lies. Judaism does not teach that any Jew is born of inferior value, nor is any human being. In the orthodox community I had also been told my only path to heaven is through codependency on a husband who is a Torah scholar. If I kept Shabbos and dressed with modesty, I would merit to marry just that kind of someone. Promises that would be broken and leave me heart crushed. If I was a simple girl and was willing to clean and cook and run my parents home and never ask them for money for food, clothing or travel, this simplicity would be rewarded. And there were many more deceptive tales where that came from. I came to understand the perversions of the Torah that were used for sick and twisted goals and that I have the right to reject these charlatans. I have a right to denounce them. I have a right to choose a path of Justice and Mercy; the path of truth, and the path laid out for me by a loving God. These individuals judged me and condemned me; so yes, at this moment, I judge them too. They were wrong, they sinned, and what they did and continue to do is evil.




Truth Reemerged. Frick and Frack (Biyomin and Mordechai, my new mentors from Yad Leachim) opened my eyes to the love God has for me and to the beauty in the world in which he placed me. I don't have to walk around despondent to honor the tragedy of exile. I am free, even mandated, to live out the joy of being a chosen partner to God. To delight in the joy of fixing a broken world and participating in the creation of his artwork and masterpiece - this raw and precious evolving earth. "The purpose of the world - within the vision of Judaism- is "Moshiach", a time when we see a final completion to the process that began at the moment of creation, the final product of world perfection." This is one of the transformative ideas revealed to me by my new teachers along with a new way of thinking. They gave me permission to experience joy and lenses through which to see nuance that washed away the false and poisonous dichotomy of Righteousness vs. Reality. How had these falsehoods become so pervasive? Over time, Judaism had adopted early Christian attitudes of good vs evil, heaven vs hell, balck vs white. Through the process of understanding Christianity I was able to see that Judaism in truth advocates for balance first and foremost by acknowledging complexity and allowing for confusion and curiosity within the search for truth. In my article about Moshiach I elaborated in detail on the meaning and purpose I found for life here in Earth within this process of considering Christianity after Judaism, and the Jewish people had rejected me.




Road Less Travelled. Then, as now, I continued to read and learn from Christian sources for signposts and wisdom. It had gotten me this far, and I still have what I need to learn. The teachings of Van Hildebrand, a Catholic philosopher, had a profound impact on me with regard to understanding the self in relation to others and in relation to God, yet at this moment, it is the words of Sheriff Girgis, the disciple of his disciple, that encapsulates the circuitous journey I have just described. He shared a story of a friend who left the Catholic Church due to his sexual orientation, and when he "came out" he said it was because of a campaign called, " It Gets Better," and the message it offered: that he is wanted, that he is loved and that there are answers. Sheriff felt very sad to hear this; he believes that the Catholic Church had the answers, that if offered solutions and hope. The healing and acceptance was there all along but the truth was not shared, the message of hope was left uncommunicated and unsaid, and therein, in his opinion, lies the greatest tragedy. I don’t have to understand or give an opinion about Homosexuality vis a vi the Catholic Church or outline my perspective on either one of these issues.




Diamond Uncut. Yet I too have experienced this tragedy. I was denied the truth of my faith and left to wander and suffer in aimless desolation and despair. I am a quirky person in my own way. I think deeply and ask lots of questions. I overanalyze and I struggle to find nuance. I yearn for guidance and support, yet I cherish independent thought and the right and the agency to make my own choices. I am curious and insist on knowing everything there is to know about everything there is to know. These aspects of my personality annoyed teachers, administrators, friends, relatives, and most of all my parents. Your questions are dumb, how dare you raise them - do what you are told and shut the hell up. I suffered and waited for "It to Get Better." I traveled so far…I drove over the railing and all the way out of Judaism. The tragedy, in my opinion, is that the good news of redemption and hope was there all along. I had even heard it myself, but when it was presented to me it was so wrapped up in twisted misinterpretations that I could see the diamonds for the rubble. The good news is that my life isn't over and I still have the opportunity to find the truth, live by the truth and have the truth set me free. And it has, admittedly though, as the nature of life is the journey, I continue to struggle in the pursuit of a meaningful life and to find my place within Judaism.




Misty Rain. My friend from Christ Church introduced me to a holy Rabbi in Jerusalem, Rabbi Star. He and his family open their heart and their home to individuals from all walks of life. When I heard that a Christian was welcomed with open arms and felt the environment was hospitable even to her - a non Jew - I felt maybe it would be a place where the designated “box” where the worthy belong will be wide enough and sufficiently flexible to make room for someone like me as well. I'm not Daenerys Stormborn, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, her royal highness who, fueled by her anger and pain of the injustice done to her by the people of King's Landing, burned them all with Dragonfire. Having the option of Christianity continues to give me power to define my self worth as a Jew and to demand my place in Judaism. Their threats fall on deaf ears. If these people don't want me, I don't need them either. The anonymous "They" don't get to decide what is and isn't Judaism. They dont have the power to dictate my life choices unless I grant them that power. They cannot control me unless I allow them to. And I don't. Never again will I allow others to determine who belongs inside my faith, decide for me whether I am beloved by God or define my worth. I refuse to be reduced or diminished. Judaism is my birthright. Christians can't take that away from me and evil, arrogant fellow Jews can't either. Noone can.




"A girl is Dina Polishuk and I have come home. I am a Jewish woman, the daughter of Sarah, Rivka, Leah and Rachel. This is my fortress and you cannot scare me." (*Another Game of Thrones Reference. Paraphrasing Arya and Sansa.) If this attitude disturbs you, you can go to hell. Or not. That's your choice. For me, I found my place and I'm staying right here.




Postscript. This article was originally inspired from an interview of Kayleigh Mcanany, White House press secretary. I identified with the deep gratitude she felt towards Ravi Zacharais, a Christian apologist, who showed her that she can be both an intellectual and a Christian and doesn't have to sacrifice one for the other. Through his teachings she disocvered the tools to live in synergy with these two aspects of her identity. This made me realize the treasure I have been given, the possibility to build the rest of my life living with this same synergy and peace. I am especially grateful to Rabbi Yitzchok Breitowitz for his teachings and for the staff at Yad Leachim,the teachers at Aish Hatorah, Rabbi Star and many others who continue to teach me and allow me to find and live in my faith space. (See the article below.)




Stumbling into the Truth. Another impactful story is that of Arina Grossu, an alumnus of the Catholic University Notre Dame. On the fifth of June 2009, in a speech titled "Stumbling into the Truth." She shares the pivotal moment where she was guided back to her faith. After struggling with the postmodern influences on the Notre Dame campus, she one day blurted an off-hand comment to her orthodox Jewish professor, something to the effect of "all religions teach the same thing." "Arina," he said to her, I would rather you say that I am going to hell for being a Jew than for you to say that you and I believe the same thing." It forced her to reevaluate and say. Since then she has become a philosopher, bioethicist and lobbyist advocating for victims of sex trafficing, pro-life issues and promoting human dignity. Hearing her story, and the pain she felt for her compatriots who may not find the light or have the will to fight for what is true and God, and how this recognition inspired her to help others in their quest for truth, made me reevaluate: What does my religion teach? What beliefs do I hold dear enough that I am willing to take a stand for them? Most importantly, what did this professor, a fellow orthodox Jew, know that I did not? This encounter was a turning point for Arina and hearing her testimony was a turning point for me as well.









Crying Kayleigh. I know that the title seems to be belittling Kayleigh Mcanany however I just connected with the alliteration of the phrase. She did cry though - becoming so emotional at the word “Apologist,” so much so that she was unable to complete the word and struggled to compose herself. This made me realize how connected I feel to those who opened the door for a Biblical understanding of my role in this modern world. The defining moment of the interview was when Kayleigh stated, "I could go to oxford and didn't have to leave my christianity at the door." For me, this fear of losing my religion held me back from becoming the intellectual I was meant to be and from living my authentic self. I was held back from exploring the beauty of the world and the truth that would have guided me to discover all that life could offer. For far too long, I wasn’t allowed to be me. I am not as young as Kayleigh was when she traveled to Oxford, but I still have my whole life ahead of me; time enough to develop dreams and design the future I want to build. Hearing Kayleigh eloquently and emotionally share her journey helped me realize and recognize the gift I have been given by rabbis, friends and teachers who opened my eyes to the possibility of synergy between my mind and my heart.