Judaism views intimacy as a sacred and profound act within the context of marriage, emphasizing its potential for holiness and connection when approached with the proper intentions and guidelines.
The idea that a wife "guards her husband from sin" is a traditional ideal, but it never means she is responsible for his choices or failings. Each person is responsible for his choices or failings. Judaism teaches that each person is accountable for his or her own actions, and no one can blame a spouse for their immoral choices. Marriage is meant to be a partnership of mutual respect and support - not a burden placed on one spouse to "fix" the other. The boundaries and needs of each spouse are valid and must be respected. The Torah emphasizes kindness, honesty, and loyalty in marriage - not coercion or blame.
I am calling on the Jewish community to reflect and reevaluate how puberty, intimacy and sexuality is taught to teenagers and young woman. We have many areas of concerns and hopefully many of the issues that I experienced close to two decades ago in the bais yaakov and kalla teachers systems have been resolved. Based on what I have seen there needs to be consideration and conversation on what age to teach these topics. Waiting until a month before the wedding is too late. A girl needs to know what marriage is and what it entails before she makes the most important decision in her life - deciding who she will marry. how can you choose a partner wisely when you dont know the nature of the partnership? also, there is a book circulating that i will not name that has halachic inacuracies and does not discuss the torah hashkafa or halachic guidance regarding marital sex. what is more, it is unaccetable for someone to take a 2 week course and then be considered qualified to teach such a sensitive topic. kalla teachers should meet high standards, demontrate their knowledge and skill through some sort of certification process and there must be a hierarchy system so that kalla teachers can be reported and receive guidance if they are found to be improperly presenting the halachos. in yiddishkeit we allow for questioning and encourage a broad diversity of perspectives. a kalla should have had the opportunity to hear multiple perspectives on what is a foundational topic to her life and to the home she will build, ideally before she starts dating but certainly before she walks down that aisle to the chuppa. a kalla teacher should be able to answer basic questions on biology and human anatomy as well as complex philosophical questions on the nature of intimacy and human sexuality. when a bais yaakov alumn seeks to understand the difference between forbiden premaital sex to permited sex within the bounds of a kosher marriage to say that sex in a marriage is ok because it is a mitzva is wholly inadequate. a relative of mine taught her daughter and a group of her friends a series of classes on yesod haadam including topics related to relationship and emotional and physical intimacy before they started dating so they would be informed and prepared before entering this consequential chapter in their lives. young men learn about the halachos and technicalities of sex and niddah through the gemarah and what is even more amazing is the book written by dr shloime zimmerman זה הקטן גדול יהיה that really outlines the chinuch appraoch to teaching teenage boys what to expect from themselves and their changing bodies. the book i was handed as a young girl was poorly written and did not even begin to cover the basics. one class in a language i didnt understand from a woman i did not know left me just as much in the dark - not that the class i heard half a year earlier before I moved to Israel was any more helpful. first of all, what needs to be taught is how to talk about this topic, with whom, in what contexts and how to seek additional information as needed. i was at times admonished other times ridiculed for asking my older sister for advice. friends seemed like a safe bet but that got my sister kicked out of school. i was a bookworm and reading was always fun but often left me even more confused and just as much in the dark. I strongly urge jewish leaders to produce a book for young girls to complement the amazing book written by dr zimmerman. a friend of mine who lives in a large frum community in north america said that a school near her has an amazing program. they bring the mothers in for a school wide lecture to hear community leaders and educational experts provide guidance on how to talk to their daughters about these fundamental topics. This program should be replicated everywhere. There is an amazing organization called the eden center that is leading the way in properly educating kalla teachers and ballaniyot. i support their work and encourage all jewish women to explore their website. there are many other exciting and inspiring initiatives on the topics of intimacy and kedusha but two more i would highlight are the video series by rabbi feuerman and his wife called the chosson and kalla shmuez you wish you got but didnt and the book "a woman's mitzva" by meira svirsky.
https://www.theedencenter.com/aboutus
https://www.theedencenter.com/post/treating-sexual-trauma-lessons-we-can-all-learn
A WOMAN'S MITZVAH: A Fully Sourced Guide to the Laws of Family Purity (Meira Svirsky)
Rabbi & Mrs. Feuerman; Chosson and Kallah Shmuez - for a pdf email: simchafeuerman@gmail.com
Psychology of the DAF - Customs During the Engagement
Wedding Night Trauma Psychological Insights on the Daf Yomi Yevamos 41
From Boys to Men Dr. Shloimie Zimmerman
Chapter 2:19
הלכות עונה / שאלות נוספות On the Mitzvot of Marital Intimacy and Procreation / Oral Sex מובא בתלמוד (נדרים כ, א), שאמר רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי, סחו לי מלאכי השרת: "אילמים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמנשקים על אותו מקום (שממנו האשה מתעברת)… סומים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמסתכלים באותו מקום". אולם בסיום הסוגיה אמרו, שזו דעת יחיד, אבל לדעת חכמים, אין בדברים הללו איסור (שם כ, ב). The Talmud relates that R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai said, “The ministering angels told me four things…. Why are people born mute? Because [their fathers] kissed the vagina…. Why are people born blind? Because [their fathers] gazed at the vagina” (Nedarim 20a). However, at the conclusion of the discussion, the Talmud states that this is a solitary opinion, whereas the Sages’ opinion is that these practices are not prohibited (ibid. 20b). יש ראשונים שמחמירים וסוברים שאסור לנשק ולהסתכל באותו מקום, אבל אין בדבר סכנה (ראב"ד). ויש ראשונים שסוברים שהדבר מותר, אבל מידת חסידות לחוש לסכנה שבזה (סמ"ק). אולם לדעת רובם המכריע של הראשונים, דעתו של רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי נדחתה והלכה כדעת חכמים שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה. ולא זו בלבד אלא שיש מהם שאומרים, שגם אין בדבר חסרון קדושה (יראים). ורבים סוברים, שאף שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה, מכל מקום מנהג צניעות וקדושה שלא לנהוג כך (רמב"ם, סמ"ק, רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). Some Rishonim are stringent, saying that cunnilingus is forbidden, as is gazing at the vagina, though there is no danger involved (Raavad). Other Rishonim say that doing so is permitted, but that it is pious to show concern for potential danger (Smak). Nevertheless, according to the vast majority of Rishonim, R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai’s opinion is rejected, and the halakha follows the Sages, who maintain that doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous. Some of those Rishonim even maintain that there is no less holiness in doing so (Yere’im). Many, though, think that while doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous, a holier and more modest practice is to refrain (Rambam; Smak; Rema, EH 25:2). למעשה, כיוון שדעת רוב הראשונים להקל, ובנוסף לכך גם לאוסרים האיסור מדברי חכמים בלבד, אין בדבר איסור. אמנם כיוון שלדעת רוב הראשונים מצד הצניעות והקדושה עדיף להחמיר, נכון לחוש לדעתם (רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). אבל כאשר הדבר משמח מאוד אחד מהם, ובלא זה שמחתו פגומה, הרי ששמחת מצוות עונה גוברת, וראוי שינהגו כדעת רוב הפוסקים. ואם ירצו להחמיר, יימנעו מזה בחיבור שיכול להיות ממנו עיבור. וכאשר אחד מבני הזוג חש מזה דחייה, נכון שינהגו כדעת המחמירים. In practice, since most Rishonim are lenient, and even those who forbid it agree that the prohibition is rabbinic, it is not prohibited. However, because most Rishonim feel that modesty and holiness make it preferable to be stringent, it is proper to show concern for their opinion (Rema, EH 25:2). However, if one spouse finds it very enjoyable, and their enjoyment will be marred without it, then the joy of the mitzva of ona overrides the stringent opinions, and the couple should follow the majority of the poskim. If they wish to be stringent, they can refrain from this when there is a possibility of conception. If either spouse finds it repulsive, they should follow the stringent view. אין לאשה הגבלות ביחס לנישוק וראיית האיבר של בעלה. אמנם נכון שלא יעשו דבר שדוחה אותו או אותה. ואם דבר מסוים משמח באופן מיוחד אחד מהם, אף שהשני אינו מעוניין בו כל כך, כל זמן שאינו דוחה אותו, יש בו צד של מצווה, שכל מה שמוסיף לאהבה ולשמחת החיבור שביניהם, בכלל מצוות עונה ומצוות וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ (ויקרא יט, יח). There are no limitations on a wife seeing or kissing her husband’s penis. Still, they should not do anything that repulses either one of them. If a specific act is particularly enjoyable for one of them, then even if the other one is not so interested in it, as long as they are not repulsed, there is an element of mitzva in it, for whatever adds to the love and joy of their intimate relations is part of the mitzva of ona as well as the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself.” https://www.sefaria.org/Peninei_Halakhah%2C_Simchat_Habayit_U'Virkhato.2.19.5?ven=Peninei_Halakhah,_English_ed._Yeshivat_Har_Bracha&lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en
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