Shemini Atzeres; Celebrating the Spiritual Perfection of the Number Eight and God's Abundant Love for the Jewish People

 In this story I will share how eight years ago God saved me from depression, nihilism and suicidal ideation. What is fascinating is how the miracles that happened to me are providentially intertwined with the miracles that happened to my dear friends the Schleifer family, also on Chag Succot eight years ago.

God guided me back to Judaism through an encounter with a Christian missionary, Olive Wilson. It was through her that I was introduced to the Machlis home where I found my place in the Jewish community. My story highlights God's ironic sense of humor to use "the church" to lead me, a Jewish woman, to find my true purpose. Such is the mysterious workings of Yad Hashem. 

I am in touch with Olive to this day; she is a dear friend and I consider her from "the righteous amongst the nations." She has a great love for Israel and a deep respect for the Jewish people and would never attempt to persuade a Jew to embrace Christianity. 

As for my opinion on the matter, I want to make it clear that I believe that Christianity is idolatry (Rambam, 13 principles of faith) and I condemn Christian missionaries who target Jews for conversion. Personally, the "Jews for Jesus" type and other evangelists who use deception and manipulative tactics make my blood boil. I stand in agreement with a statement made this past Succos by Rabbi Moshe Machlis: "People who target Jews for conversion are more evil than Hamas or Hitler."  

I hope to write another article where I expand on this further. 

on simchas torah avi proclamed in the shul - my freinds a great miracle happened here on this chag 8 years ago. a baby boy with a non functioning heart survived a birs. join me in thanking hashem for his incredible love and the kindness and blessings he has shown my family. 

what miracle? actually 2 miracles happened that succot for the benefit of his precious yechial, one he only learned about years later. this miracle happened to me and you will see how my story and yechiel connects that succot of that year was a time of yad hashem and open miracles. 

Accidentally walking into a christian bookstore on Jaffa street. Gave me the idea for a character for a novel I was thinking about. Weeks later met a Jewish man when I returned to the bookstore who had also accidentlaly wandered in and he introduced me to Aish Hatorah essentials program which also helped me undertsand and recconect to Judasim. Gave me a curiosity to understand christianity for myself and as research for my book so that one day when i was condiering trying yet again to overdose my sister called and said "Dina you have options in life" that inspired me to instead see if Christianity could be a path I can take here on earth instead of leaving this world altogether via suicide. 

succos my mother encouraged me - practically pushed me out of the house - to explore churches. after close to five years of isolation and seclusion she was desperate to see me recconect with people. I met a lovely annabaptist woman and then returned on isru chag - did not want to be rude or impose on any of the tourists but i saw a woman sitting alone on a bench under the tree in the garden spacing out. i made it clear toher that i had no intension to convert and my curiosity for christianity was intelectual and for research for a book. discovered she was also a writer and she introduced me to blogger and invited me to come be her guest in ireland. year and a half later she did host me in cypress but before that we connected again in jerusalm when she returned in february. matzada and then she told me about machles  so in her next trip we went to him together. i rented a bed in a youth hostel and loved it so much i continued coming every week and several months later got my own apartment in jerusalem and have been living here ever since. 

as a project to help in my recovery i decided to get my speech therapy license in Israel and reinstate my usa license as well. this was 2 years after i met olive and while looking for a job in the field i was also looking for an apartment - took a 6 week sublease also over succot. the shabbos before succos i met abother dear friend. her 2 year old son was very energetic and he kept running into the tent the shul of the shul, i realized i recognized his moms face someone i knew of from back in ny. if her son had not been mischivous we would have never met. desperate for a long term apartment i asked everyone and anyone around the neighborhood and thats how i got the number to a real estate agent Avi Shleifer, he was not able to help me with my apartment search but told me that he often has singles in his home and so when i did sign a lease in the neighborhood over, i reached out to him for a shabbat invitation. several months later his son got approved for speech therapy through the kuppah but with covid and his son only speaking english it seemed it would be impossible to find him a therapist. luckily i had gotten my license by then, had a few months under my belt working again in the field and met them through these series of chance encounters and thus a beuatiful opportunity was born. yechiel did more for me helping me to develop as a therapist and as a person than i did for him. hashem was planting the seeds two and a half years older introducing me to christianity and to olive to get me out of depression and back into the field of speech therapy and to machles and back into the jewish community so that i would be ready to be the perfect shalioch in time for when he turned two years old. but at the same time god was laying that groundwork - that was one miracle that hashem orchestrated to help yechiel at the time that he was born. his actual survival as a newborn was also a miracle in and of itself. 

story of yechiel and his heart. 

chemical explanation to the number 8

explanation of numbers in judaism - 6 all sides of a cube, 7 the inside pnimius and 8 above nature, perfection. 

conclusion

Notes:

In choosing this title I hoped to capture both the spiritual depth of Shemini Atzeret and its connection to the number eight, which symbolizes transcendence and going beyond the natural order. Including "God's Abundant Love for the Jewish People" adds an emotional and theological dimension, emphasizing the intimate relationship between God and the Jewish people that Shemini Atzeret celebrates, which can be seen in the open miracles that happened to both me and my friends during this time of year.

the spiritual depth of Shemini Atzeret and its connection to the number eight, which symbolizes transcendence and going beyond the natural order.

Ohel Sarah; Marital Intimacy in Judaism

This article is not yet finished. 

Judaism views intimacy as a sacred and profound act within the context of marriage, emphasizing its potential for holiness and connection when approached with the proper intentions and guidelines.

The idea that a wife "guards her husband from sin" is a traditional ideal, but it never means she is responsible for his choices or failings. Each person is responsible for his choices or failings. Judaism teaches that each person is accountable for his or her own actions, and no one can blame a spouse for their immoral choices. Marriage is meant to be a partnership of mutual respect and support - not a burden placed on one spouse to "fix" the other. The boundaries and needs of each spouse are valid and must be respected. The Torah emphasizes kindness, honesty, and loyalty in marriage - not coercion or blame. 

I am calling on the Jewish community to reflect and reevaluate how puberty, intimacy and sexuality is taught to teenagers and young woman. We have many areas of concerns and hopefully many of the issues that I experienced close to two decades ago in the bais yaakov and kalla teachers systems have been resolved. Based on what I have seen there needs to be consideration and conversation on what age to teach these topics. Waiting until a month before the wedding is too late. A girl needs to know what marriage is and what it entails before she makes the most important decision in her life - deciding who she will marry. how can you choose a partner wisely when you dont know the nature of the partnership? also, there is a book circulating that i will not name that has halachic inacuracies and does not discuss the torah hashkafa or halachic guidance regarding marital sex. what is more, it is unaccetable for someone to take a 2 week course and then be considered qualified to teach such a sensitive topic. kalla teachers should meet high standards, demontrate their knowledge and skill through some sort of certification process and there must be a hierarchy system so that kalla teachers can be reported and receive guidance if they are found to be improperly presenting the halachos. in yiddishkeit we allow for questioning and encourage a broad diversity of perspectives. a kalla should have had the opportunity to hear multiple perspectives on what is a foundational topic to her life and to the home she will build, ideally before she starts dating but certainly before she walks down that aisle to the chuppa. a kalla teacher should be able to answer basic questions on biology and human anatomy as well as complex philosophical questions on the nature of intimacy and human sexuality. when a bais yaakov alumn seeks to understand the difference between forbiden premaital sex to permited sex within the bounds of a kosher marriage to say that sex in a marriage is ok because it is a mitzva is wholly inadequate. a relative of mine taught her daughter and a group of her friends a series of classes on yesod haadam including topics related to relationship and emotional and physical intimacy before they started dating so they would be informed and prepared before entering this consequential chapter in their lives. young men learn about the halachos and technicalities of sex and niddah through the gemarah and what is even more amazing is the book written by dr shloime zimmerman זה הקטן גדול יהיה that really outlines the chinuch appraoch to teaching teenage boys what to expect from themselves and their changing bodies. the book i was handed as a young girl was poorly written and did not even begin to cover the basics. one class in a language i didnt understand from a woman i did not know left me just as much in the dark - not that the class i heard half a year earlier before I moved to Israel was any more helpful. first of all, what needs to be taught is how to talk about this topic, with whom, in what contexts and how to seek additional information as needed. i was at times admonished other times ridiculed for asking my older sister for advice. friends seemed like a safe bet but that got my sister kicked out of school. i was a bookworm and reading was always fun but often left me even more confused and just as much in the dark. I strongly urge jewish leaders to produce a book for young girls to complement the amazing book written by dr zimmerman. a friend of mine who lives in a large frum community in north america said that a school near her has an amazing program. they bring the mothers in for a school wide lecture to hear community leaders and educational experts provide guidance on how to talk to their daughters about these fundamental topics. This program should be replicated everywhere. There is an amazing organization called the eden center that is leading the way in properly educating kalla teachers and ballaniyot. i support their work and encourage all jewish women to explore their website. there are many other exciting and inspiring initiatives on the topics of intimacy and kedusha but two more i would highlight are the video series by rabbi feuerman and his wife called the chosson and kalla shmuez you wish you got but didnt and the book "a woman's mitzva" by meira svirsky.

https://www.theedencenter.com/aboutus

https://www.theedencenter.com/post/treating-sexual-trauma-lessons-we-can-all-learn

A WOMAN'S MITZVAH: A Fully Sourced Guide to the Laws of Family Purity (Meira Svirsky)

Rabbi & Mrs. Feuerman; Chosson and Kallah Shmuez - for a pdf email: simchafeuerman@gmail.com

Psychology of the DAF - Customs During the Engagement

Wedding Night Trauma Psychological Insights on the Daf Yomi Yevamos 41

From Boys to Men Dr. Shloimie Zimmerman

Chapter 2:19

הלכות עונה / שאלות נוספות On the Mitzvot of Marital Intimacy and Procreation / Oral Sex מובא בתלמוד (נדרים כ, א), שאמר רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי, סחו לי מלאכי השרת: "אילמים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמנשקים על אותו מקום (שממנו האשה מתעברת)… סומים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמסתכלים באותו מקום". אולם בסיום הסוגיה אמרו, שזו דעת יחיד, אבל לדעת חכמים, אין בדברים הללו איסור (שם כ, ב). The Talmud relates that R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai said, “The ministering angels told me four things…. Why are people born mute? Because [their fathers] kissed the vagina…. Why are people born blind? Because [their fathers] gazed at the vagina” (Nedarim 20a). However, at the conclusion of the discussion, the Talmud states that this is a solitary opinion, whereas the Sages’ opinion is that these practices are not prohibited (ibid. 20b). יש ראשונים שמחמירים וסוברים שאסור לנשק ולהסתכל באותו מקום, אבל אין בדבר סכנה (ראב"ד). ויש ראשונים שסוברים שהדבר מותר, אבל מידת חסידות לחוש לסכנה שבזה (סמ"ק). אולם לדעת רובם המכריע של הראשונים, דעתו של רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי נדחתה והלכה כדעת חכמים שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה. ולא זו בלבד אלא שיש מהם שאומרים, שגם אין בדבר חסרון קדושה (יראים). ורבים סוברים, שאף שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה, מכל מקום מנהג צניעות וקדושה שלא לנהוג כך (רמב"ם, סמ"ק, רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). Some Rishonim are stringent, saying that cunnilingus is forbidden, as is gazing at the vagina, though there is no danger involved (Raavad). Other Rishonim say that doing so is permitted, but that it is pious to show concern for potential danger (Smak). Nevertheless, according to the vast majority of Rishonim, R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai’s opinion is rejected, and the halakha follows the Sages, who maintain that doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous. Some of those Rishonim even maintain that there is no less holiness in doing so (Yere’im). Many, though, think that while doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous, a holier and more modest practice is to refrain (Rambam; Smak; Rema, EH 25:2). למעשה, כיוון שדעת רוב הראשונים להקל, ובנוסף לכך גם לאוסרים האיסור מדברי חכמים בלבד, אין בדבר איסור. אמנם כיוון שלדעת רוב הראשונים מצד הצניעות והקדושה עדיף להחמיר, נכון לחוש לדעתם (רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). אבל כאשר הדבר משמח מאוד אחד מהם, ובלא זה שמחתו פגומה, הרי ששמחת מצוות עונה גוברת, וראוי שינהגו כדעת רוב הפוסקים. ואם ירצו להחמיר, יימנעו מזה בחיבור שיכול להיות ממנו עיבור. וכאשר אחד מבני הזוג חש מזה דחייה, נכון שינהגו כדעת המחמירים. In practice, since most Rishonim are lenient, and even those who forbid it agree that the prohibition is rabbinic, it is not prohibited. However, because most Rishonim feel that modesty and holiness make it preferable to be stringent, it is proper to show concern for their opinion (Rema, EH 25:2). However, if one spouse finds it very enjoyable, and their enjoyment will be marred without it, then the joy of the mitzva of ona overrides the stringent opinions, and the couple should follow the majority of the poskim. If they wish to be stringent, they can refrain from this when there is a possibility of conception. If either spouse finds it repulsive, they should follow the stringent view. אין לאשה הגבלות ביחס לנישוק וראיית האיבר של בעלה. אמנם נכון שלא יעשו דבר שדוחה אותו או אותה. ואם דבר מסוים משמח באופן מיוחד אחד מהם, אף שהשני אינו מעוניין בו כל כך, כל זמן שאינו דוחה אותו, יש בו צד של מצווה, שכל מה שמוסיף לאהבה ולשמחת החיבור שביניהם, בכלל מצוות עונה ומצוות וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ (ויקרא יט, יח). There are no limitations on a wife seeing or kissing her husband’s penis. Still, they should not do anything that repulses either one of them. If a specific act is particularly enjoyable for one of them, then even if the other one is not so interested in it, as long as they are not repulsed, there is an element of mitzva in it, for whatever adds to the love and joy of their intimate relations is part of the mitzva of ona as well as the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself.” https://www.sefaria.org/Peninei_Halakhah%2C_Simchat_Habayit_U'Virkhato.2.19.5?ven=Peninei_Halakhah,_English_ed._Yeshivat_Har_Bracha&lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en

How the Kollel Movement Lost its Way

 The Kollel movement began with noble intentions: preserving Torah learning during times of spiritual upheaval and cultivating leaders to guide the Jewish people. However, over time, certain factors may have contributed to it losing its way:

Expansion Beyond Its Original Scope: Kollel was initially reserved for the most elite scholars, but today, it has become a widespread expectation for many, regardless of aptitude or calling. This shift has diluted its purpose and placed undue pressure on families and communities.

Financial Strain: Supporting large numbers of full-time learners has created significant economic challenges. Communities struggle to sustain this model, and families often face financial hardship, which can lead to resentment and disillusionment.

Neglect of Broader Torah Values: Torah study is meant to refine character and foster a balanced, meaningful life. When Kollel becomes an end in itself, rather than a means to personal and communal growth, it risks losing its spiritual essence.

Cultural Pressures: In some circles, Kollel has become a status symbol, where societal expectations override individual suitability or genuine passion for Torah learning.

The solution lies in returning to the movement’s original goals: fostering Torah study as a path to spiritual growth, leadership, and balance. 

The History and Ideals of the Kollel Movement - AI Generated Article

 The History and Goals of the Kollel Movement: Europe, America, and Israel

The Kollel movement, a cornerstone of contemporary Torah study, has its roots in the Jewish communities of Europe. Its evolution reflects the challenges and aspirations of Jewish life across centuries and continents. Let’s explore its history and original goals in Europe, America, and Israel.

The Birth of Kollel in Europe

The concept of Kollel traces back to the Lithuanian Yeshiva movement, spearheaded by figures like Reb Chaim of Volozhin in the early 19th century. Reb Chaim, a student of the Vilna Gaon, believed that intensive Torah study was the antidote to the spiritual dangers posed by the Haskalah (Enlightenment) movement. His vision was to create a space where Torah could be studied full-time, without the distractions of earning a livelihood.

Original Goals: The primary aim was to preserve Torah learning as a way of life, ensuring that the Jewish people would remain spiritually anchored despite the pressures of modernity. Kollel was initially reserved for the most elite scholars, who were supported by community funds to dedicate themselves entirely to Torah study.

Challenges: In pre-war Europe, most Jews worked full-time and studied Torah in their spare hours. The Kollel model was not widespread but was seen as a necessary measure to protect Torah scholarship during a time of upheaval.

The Kollel Movement in America

After the Holocaust, the Jewish world faced the monumental task of rebuilding Torah institutions. In America, where materialism and assimilation posed significant challenges, the Kollel movement took on a new urgency.

Key Figures: Visionaries like Rabbi Aharon Kotler established institutions such as Beth Medrash Govoha in Lakewood, New Jersey, which became the prototype for American Kollels. Rabbi Kotler emphasized the importance of creating a cadre of Torah scholars who could serve as leaders and educators for the broader Jewish community.

Expansion: Unlike in Europe, where Kollel was limited to a select few, the American model expanded to include a larger number of young married men. These men were supported by stipends, allowing them to immerse themselves in Torah study for several years after marriage.

Goals: The American Kollel movement aimed to create a spiritual renaissance, ensuring that Torah learning would thrive in a land where Jewish life was often at odds with secular culture.

The Kollel Movement in Israel

In Israel, the Kollel movement took on a unique character, shaped by the country’s religious and political landscape. The establishment of the State of Israel in 1948 brought with it a renewed focus on Torah study as a means of preserving Jewish identity in a modern, secular state.

Chazon Ish’s Influence: The Chazon Ish, a leading rabbinic figure, played a pivotal role in promoting the Kollel system in Israel. He saw it as essential for rebuilding Torah scholarship after the devastation of the Holocaust.

Mass Participation: In Israel, the Kollel model expanded dramatically, with thousands of young men dedicating themselves to full-time Torah study. This was supported by government stipends and private donations, reflecting the belief that Torah study was a national priority.

Goals: The Israeli Kollel movement sought to create a society where Torah values would permeate every aspect of life. It also aimed to counterbalance the secularism of the broader Israeli culture.

Original Goals of the Kollel Movement

Across all these contexts, the original goals of the Kollel movement remained consistent:

Preservation of Torah Learning: Ensuring that Torah study would continue uninterrupted, even in the face of external challenges.

Spiritual Leadership: Training a generation of scholars who could serve as teachers, rabbis, and role models for the Jewish community.

Cultural Continuity: Strengthening Jewish identity and values in a rapidly changing world.

Conclusion

The Kollel movement has evolved significantly from its origins in Europe to its flourishing in America and Israel. While its goals have remained rooted in the preservation and promotion of Torah learning, the methods and scale have adapted to the unique challenges of each era and location. Understanding its history helps us appreciate the profound impact Kollel has had on Jewish life and the ongoing debates about its role in contemporary society.

Summary of "Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System"

Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System - powered by Aish.com Chatbot

This article is part of a three-part series exploring the ideology of the modern Kollel movement. My intention is not to reject Judaism or its values but to shine a light on the harms I’ve experienced, so community leaders can address them in alignment with Torah’s ideals of compassion, balance, and responsibility. While this piece focuses on my personal struggles, future articles will explore the system’s historical context, positive aspects, and potential reforms. I ask you to approach my words with an open mind.

A Shabbat Meal That Sparked Reflection

Several weeks ago, I attended a Shabbat meal hosted by a kind and dedicated Kollel couple. They graciously opened their home to me and a group of seminary girls. During the meal, one of the girls commented that her seminary was “brainwashing” students into adopting a Kollel lifestyle—a path she did not wish to follow. Her courage struck a chord in me, awakening a protective instinct for her and for the younger version of myself who had been led down a path of confusion and conformity.

Overcome by emotion, I launched into a critique of the Kollel lifestyle. While I tried to present both sides, my passion overwhelmed the discussion. I left the meal with regret, feeling I had squandered an opportunity for connection. This encounter, however, became the catalyst for deeper exploration of the Kollel system and its impact on individuals like me.

The Emotional Toll of My Experience

The anger and pain I carry from my upbringing within the Kollel ideology have consumed me for years. This visceral hatred clouds my ability to approach new experiences with openness or joy. I’ve realized that I can no longer avoid confronting the roots of this turmoil. Writing this article is both an act of catharsis and a call for accountability.

I acknowledge my bias, but my story is not an isolated case. The harms I’ve endured—financial pressures, social constraints, and the erosion of self-worth—are symptoms of deeper issues within the Kollel system. These are not abstract “systemic challenges”; they are real-world harms inflicted by individuals acting on an ideology they believed in.

A Critique of the Kollel Ideology

While the Kollel lifestyle aspires to noble ideals, in practice, it often leads to harm and disillusionment. For women, the system fosters an unhealthy codependence, tying their self-worth to their husband’s choices and achievements. This is not the Torah’s vision of marriage as a partnership of equals. Financial pressures and a lack of opportunity for personal growth compound the strain.

To me, the modern Kollel movement has strayed from its original purpose. It has become more about status and ego than about mutual respect, shared responsibility, or true dedication to Torah learning. When ideals—no matter how lofty—cause harm, it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry.

A Call for Reflection and Accountability

I share my story not to attack, but to illuminate. The harm I’ve endured is real, and it demands introspection from those who support and perpetuate the Kollel system. Torah values are meant to uplift and inspire, not to crush or harm. I urge community leaders, educators, and adherents to confront these realities with honesty and courage.

Looking Ahead

My hope is that this article sparks reflection and conversation. In my next piece, I will explore the historical context and positive aspects of the Kollel system, as well as suggestions for reform. For now, I ask readers to consider the ramifications of what I’ve shared and to join me in envisioning a future where Torah values guide us toward balance, compassion, and human flourishing.

Edge of The Abyss; My Personal Struggle with the Promise and the Pitfalls of the Modern Kollel Movement

In this article I share the impetus and purpose of a subsequent article I wrote in which I describe the trauma I experienced as a result of being raised within the ultra-orthodox community in Israel - most specifically the harms inflicted upon me as a result of the ideology espoused by the modern Kollel movement. My intention is not to reject Judaism or its values, but to shine a light on the dangers I’ve experienced so that community leaders can address them in a way that aligns with the Torah’s true ideals of compassion, balance, and responsibility.

I want to frame this article within the context of a series of blog posts exploring Kollel ideology and therefore ask you to see this articles as is one step in a thoughtful, multi-faceted exploration of the topic.

I plan to write a third article focusing on its positive aspects, historical context and suggestions for reform. Please see my critique as part of a broader, constructive conversation and understand that my perspective is not solely rooted in criticism but also seeks to engage with the ideals and potential of the Kollel system. While personal grievance clearly fuels me I ask you to approach my article with an open mind.

AI Summary of "Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System"

Several weeks ago I went to a Shabbat meal by a lovely young Kollel couple. I was invited along with four seminary girls. They came from the states to experience a year of living in Jerusalem and reinforcing the Torah values they had been taught back home. This woman - the lovely hostess - had reached out to me - a stranger - from the kindness of her heart. Her husband is a dedicated Torah scholar; having learned in his youth in an elite Torah institution he continues to dedicate himself fulltime to the pursuit of Torah knowledge. This lifestyle requires a shared commitment and partnership considering the financial and practical implications involved. Towards the ends of the meal I praised her and expressed my deep appreciation for her initiative and hospitality. I wish my actions reflected my words and the respect and admiration I felt. 

At the beginning of the Shabbat seudah one of the Seminary girls commented how her seminary has already begun to "brainwash" them into adopting a Kollel lifestyle, a path that she does not wish to follow. I was impressed by her insight and courage. I felt jealous as she had an awareness that I discovered too late. A protective motherly instinct welled up inside me not just for these impressionable sweet girls but for the little girl inside me who was led astray to a path of confusion, conformity and limitation. I launched into a passionate discussion as to the evil nature of the lofty and noble lifestyle that my hosts lead. I tried to give a fair shake to both sides and was inspired by the perspective they shared - when I let them get in a word in edgewise. 

Having let my emotions get the best of me I don't think I accomplished the goal I had intended. All I really left with was shame and regret that I ruined an amazing opportunity for friendship and community. This encounter inspired a deeper exploration of the issues, something that had been on my mind for a while and I had been putting off. This conversation is long overdue but I am certainly not approaching it by way of apology or justification. Whatever trauma I have experienced it is not my intention to dump this baggage onto others. Rather, through my personal experiences, I came to recognize certain systemic issues within the modern Kollel movement. 

These experiences became the impetus for my exploration of how this ideology impacts individuals and communities. By sharing my story, I hope to illuminate these challenges and spark a conversation about how we can address them constructively. I am not here to fix the system or offer solutions. I am here to tell my story, to give voice to the pain and anger that has consumed me, and to help others see and feel the reality of what I’ve endured. What happened to me is not an isolated incident. It is a symptom of deeper issues within the Kollel ideology that have caused harm to many others.

I am not sure that merely writing about clarifying my thoughts and expressing my emotions regarding the Kollel practice can calm the burning fire simmering inside me. This blind and visceral hatred prevents me from approaching any new experience with intentionality, openness, curiosity or even joy. It is clear that I can no longer avoid coming to terms with the roots and implications of what the Kollel movement means to me seeing how this rage consumes me. 

It is so important to me to get this right and I have been experiencing tremendous writers block grappling with the enormity of this topic. I tried to use AI for this article - it was a bizarre experience arguing theology with a robot. Rabbi Coopersmith's Alter ego was helpful in sourcing and in engaging with rigorous critique of the inconsistencies and dangers posed by this ideology. Still, I am struggling to give expression to my thoughts. Reflecting on the consequential and deeply personal implications of this article I found myself spending several minutes pondering and deliberating the wording of just the title. 

"The edge of the abyss" means being on the verge of a very dangerous, threatening, or critical situation. This can be a literal geographical chasm or a metaphorical state of crisis, such as financial ruin, despair, or extreme uncertainty. This imagery is spot on for me - being brainwashed into this misguided ideology has led me to the edge of heresy. I nearly abandoned Judaism and even stepped passed the threshold of lucidity and nihilism. I still flail about in attempt in search of a clarity that seems ever beyond my grasp. 

Before I dive in I ask that you keep an open mind to what I have to say. While I do see the Kollel in a very negative light it is my wish to impress upon the community to see these dangers as a five alarm fire and recognize that damage of this magnitude will lead to a cascade of negative consequences to the larger Jewish community. I am not here to demonize orthodox Jews or destroy the fabric of society that gives many people hope and purpose. I hope to give a fair shake to both perspectives on this topic and in doing so stay true to the pursuit of truth. I ask adherents to this worldview to keep an open mind and acknowledge the sinister underbelly that must be rooted out lest it cause even more heartache and devastation to young women like it did to me. 

I hesitated to share my opinion because I am no longer an active member of this community but stepping outside these systems perhaps gives me a clearer perspective. Sometimes, it’s easier to see the flaws and challenges in a system when you’re no longer immersed in them. So I have some to realize that even from the outside my voice matters. Raising awareness about these issues—whether through conversations, writing, or other means—can help create the transparency and accountability that’s so desperately needed. 

While researching this topic I framed the discussion by characterizing Kollel as an ideology. Therefore, in the pursuit of clarity and truth, I explored the historical origins of the Kollel practice and where it took a turn from the Torah ideals that undergird this system. However, I would not be doing it justice to confine this conversation to an academic discussion based on ideas, sources and facts because it is my experiences with this practice and the people who advocate for this lifestyle that has shaped my negative perspective on Kollel and developed a burning anger and hatred of these people. It is the long winded arc of being introduced then rejected and then coming full circle to being reembraced by Kollel people that can convey the complexity and nuance of what this worldview means to me. 

While the Kollel lifestyle aspires to noble ideals, in practice, it has often led to harm and disillusionment. Based on my experience I feel that the Kollel mindset leads to abuse and depression; a perspective that has led me to conclude that while the Kollel lifestyle appears innocent and even lofty it has lost its way. It is no longer about a shared communal project, mutual respect, a shared sense of responsibility or even about dedication to torah learning.

 

The modern iteration of the Kollel system has become about status and ego. To me it is a dark, deceptive and sinister ideology that has destroyed many young lives. When ideals—no matter how noble—lead to real-world harm it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry in its application. Torah values are meant to uplift and bring balance, not to crush or harm. If the Kollel mindset, as it’s being lived out in certain communities, is causing such damage, it’s essential to confront these realities with honesty and courage. 

My personal wish is to find peace from the inner turmoil and torment I wrestle with related to this topic. I am sharing it with the public to offer solidarity and support for others who have had similar experiences - you are not alone.  It is my fervent wish for this article to spark reflection and conversation amongst teachers, adherents, supporters and community leaders; a conversation that can create the change that can minimize these harms moving forward and develop a value system and a culture that is conducive to prosperity and human flourishing. This vision will restore the Torah to be the guide for living in this modern world that it was always meant to be. 

My aim is to do so while still respecting the ideals that Kollel life aspires to embody. The key would be to present my experience in a way that invites reflection and accountability, rather than defensiveness. The challenge to that is that my mind is so clouded on this topic by the suffering I have endured and the constant pain I live with as a result. I am being honest about the bias with which I approach this topic so that I can share my opinion with authenticity while also doing so in a way that keeps the door open for honesty and reflection from the readers who may be taken aback my harsh assessment of a way of life that they hold dear. 

When I express my critique of the Kollel movement I am often told that "there are challenges within the system." This is not about systemic challenges. It is real world harms. It is infuriating to hear the excuse and explanation that the injustice I experienced and I take deep issue with the phrase "systemic pressures". These were real people. Individuals who made deliberate choices based on an ideology they believed in. Framing is in the context of a "system" takes away the blame for the people who behaved badly and for the ideas and beliefs that guided their actions. 

What is more is that my story is unique. There are people will criticize me and say that I am an outlier and that his just happened to me. I am not a data point or a statistic. I fell between the cracks. That statement is true, but so is my story. It is a reality that cannot be ignored. The reality and the impact of the Kollel ideology on my story reveals not only the cracks in the system but also the sinister values embedded within the ideology itself. I refuse to stand silent about an ideology that has led to and allowed such a tragedy to happen.

By sharing my experience, I'm not just telling my story—I'm holding up a mirror to the ideology and the individuals who perpetuated it. Yes, people may claim it’s an isolated case, but the very fact that it happened at all demands introspection. As someone who has experienced these harms firsthand and seen the negative impact from many others as well I know that my voice is crucial in this conversation. By sharing my story I can shine a light on these harms. 

Some of these harms include the financial and social pressures and the development of an unhealthy sense of codependence that is fostered when a woman is led to believe that all her sense of self worth and value is tied to the choices and actions of her husband. This is not the intention of the Torah philosophy that sees marriage as a partnership of equals. For me to explain how I have come to such a negative conclusion on the modern Kollel movement I would have to go back to when I was a preteen when my family moved to Israel shortly before my bas mitzva and then the years I grew up as a teenager in the newly developing Ramat Beit Shemesh.  

The end result of my upbringing was to be set up for failure - to see the world with a constricted vision. I was conditioned to accept that my destiny was to live a life of compromise. When contemplating beliefs or dreams regarding a career or what mother I wanted to be - there was no path forward where I wouldn't be crossing some spoken or unspoken rule. Juggling various responsibilities to find a way to make it work, that discussion was not offered. The only option offered was to sacrifice one principle or another; committing a fatal error seemed unavoidable. The dilemma I faced was not between right and wrong it was between betraying my religious precepts or abandoning basic responsibilities that reality mandates. 

I share my story not to attack, but to illuminate. The harm I’ve endured is real, and it is not mine alone. I hope my words spark reflection, accountability, and a commitment to ensuring that Torah values uplift rather than harm. I am not here to prescribe solutions, but to demand that these harms be acknowledged and addressed by those who hold influence in the community. 

What I wish for young Jewish girls 18, 19 that I meet is that they should feel that the sky is the limit. To see the years ahead of them as full of opportunity and promise. Instead, what I was told is that my duty was to abandon my values and that any sort of ambition was immature, narcissistic and unrealistic. That is why I ask that you consider the ramifications of what happened to me and that you consider what reforms and measures must be taken so that we protect our precious sons and daughters and ensure that the truth of Torah will be preserved for this and many generations into the future.