Shemini Atzeres; Celebrating the Spiritual Perfection of the Number Eight and God's Abundant Love for the Jewish People

 In this story I will share how eight years ago God saved me from depression, nihilism and suicidal ideation. What is fascinating is how the miracles that happened to me are providentially intertwined with the miracles that happened to my dear friends the Schleifer family, also on Chag Succot eight years ago.

God guided me back to Judaism through an encounter with a Christian missionary, Olive Wilson. It was through her that I was introduced to the Machlis home where I found my place in the Jewish community. My story highlights God's ironic sense of humor to use "the church" to lead me, a Jewish woman, to find my true purpose. Such is the mysterious workings of Yad Hashem. 

I am in touch with Olive to this day; she is a dear friend and I consider her from "the righteous amongst the nations." She has a great love for Israel and a deep respect for the Jewish people and would never attempt to persuade a Jew to embrace Christianity. 

As for my opinion on the matter, I want to make it clear that I believe that Christianity is idolatry (Rambam, 13 principles of faith) and I condemn Christian missionaries who target Jews for conversion. Personally, the "Jews for Jesus" type and other evangelists who use deception and manipulative tactics make my blood boil. I stand in agreement with a statement made this past Succos by Rabbi Moshe Machlis: "People who target Jews for conversion are more evil than Hamas or Hitler."  

I hope to write another article where I expand on this further. 

on simchas torah avi proclamed in the shul - my freinds a great miracle happened here on this chag 8 years ago. a baby boy with a non functioning heart survived a birs. join me in thanking hashem for his incredible love and the kindness and blessings he has shown my family. 

what miracle? actually 2 miracles happened that succot for the benefit of his precious yechial, one he only learned about years later. this miracle happened to me and you will see how my story and yechiel connects that succot of that year was a time of yad hashem and open miracles. 

Accidentally walking into a christian bookstore on Jaffa street. Gave me the idea for a character for a novel I was thinking about. Weeks later met a Jewish man when I returned to the bookstore who had also accidentlaly wandered in and he introduced me to Aish Hatorah essentials program which also helped me undertsand and recconect to Judasim. Gave me a curiosity to understand christianity for myself and as research for my book so that one day when i was condiering trying yet again to overdose my sister called and said "Dina you have options in life" that inspired me to instead see if Christianity could be a path I can take here on earth instead of leaving this world altogether via suicide. 

succos my mother encouraged me - practically pushed me out of the house - to explore churches. after close to five years of isolation and seclusion she was desperate to see me recconect with people. I met a lovely annabaptist woman and then returned on isru chag - did not want to be rude or impose on any of the tourists but i saw a woman sitting alone on a bench under the tree in the garden spacing out. i made it clear toher that i had no intension to convert and my curiosity for christianity was intelectual and for research for a book. discovered she was also a writer and she introduced me to blogger and invited me to come be her guest in ireland. year and a half later she did host me in cypress but before that we connected again in jerusalm when she returned in february. matzada and then she told me about machles  so in her next trip we went to him together. i rented a bed in a youth hostel and loved it so much i continued coming every week and several months later got my own apartment in jerusalem and have been living here ever since. 

as a project to help in my recovery i decided to get my speech therapy license in Israel and reinstate my usa license as well. this was 2 years after i met olive and while looking for a job in the field i was also looking for an apartment - took a 6 week sublease also over succot. the shabbos before succos i met abother dear friend. her 2 year old son was very energetic and he kept running into the tent the shul of the shul, i realized i recognized his moms face someone i knew of from back in ny. if her son had not been mischivous we would have never met. desperate for a long term apartment i asked everyone and anyone around the neighborhood and thats how i got the number to a real estate agent Avi Shleifer, he was not able to help me with my apartment search but told me that he often has singles in his home and so when i did sign a lease in the neighborhood over, i reached out to him for a shabbat invitation. several months later his son got approved for speech therapy through the kuppah but with covid and his son only speaking english it seemed it would be impossible to find him a therapist. luckily i had gotten my license by then, had a few months under my belt working again in the field and met them through these series of chance encounters and thus a beuatiful opportunity was born. yechiel did more for me helping me to develop as a therapist and as a person than i did for him. hashem was planting the seeds two and a half years older introducing me to christianity and to olive to get me out of depression and back into the field of speech therapy and to machles and back into the jewish community so that i would be ready to be the perfect shalioch in time for when he turned two years old. but at the same time god was laying that groundwork - that was one miracle that hashem orchestrated to help yechiel at the time that he was born. his actual survival as a newborn was also a miracle in and of itself. 

story of yechiel and his heart. 

chemical explanation to the number 8

explanation of numbers in judaism - 6 all sides of a cube, 7 the inside pnimius and 8 above nature, perfection. 

conclusion

Notes:

In choosing this title I hoped to capture both the spiritual depth of Shemini Atzeret and its connection to the number eight, which symbolizes transcendence and going beyond the natural order. Including "God's Abundant Love for the Jewish People" adds an emotional and theological dimension, emphasizing the intimate relationship between God and the Jewish people that Shemini Atzeret celebrates, which can be seen in the open miracles that happened to both me and my friends during this time of year.

the spiritual depth of Shemini Atzeret and its connection to the number eight, which symbolizes transcendence and going beyond the natural order.

Ohel Sarah; Marital Intimacy in Judaism

Judaism views intimacy as a sacred and profound act within the context of marriage, emphasizing its potential for holiness and connection when approached with the proper intentions and guidelines. 

https://www.theedencenter.com/aboutus

Chapter 2:19

הלכות עונה / שאלות נוספות On the Mitzvot of Marital Intimacy and Procreation / Oral Sex מובא בתלמוד (נדרים כ, א), שאמר רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי, סחו לי מלאכי השרת: "אילמים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמנשקים על אותו מקום (שממנו האשה מתעברת)… סומים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמסתכלים באותו מקום". אולם בסיום הסוגיה אמרו, שזו דעת יחיד, אבל לדעת חכמים, אין בדברים הללו איסור (שם כ, ב). The Talmud relates that R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai said, “The ministering angels told me four things…. Why are people born mute? Because [their fathers] kissed the vagina…. Why are people born blind? Because [their fathers] gazed at the vagina” (Nedarim 20a). However, at the conclusion of the discussion, the Talmud states that this is a solitary opinion, whereas the Sages’ opinion is that these practices are not prohibited (ibid. 20b). יש ראשונים שמחמירים וסוברים שאסור לנשק ולהסתכל באותו מקום, אבל אין בדבר סכנה (ראב"ד). ויש ראשונים שסוברים שהדבר מותר, אבל מידת חסידות לחוש לסכנה שבזה (סמ"ק). אולם לדעת רובם המכריע של הראשונים, דעתו של רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי נדחתה והלכה כדעת חכמים שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה. ולא זו בלבד אלא שיש מהם שאומרים, שגם אין בדבר חסרון קדושה (יראים). ורבים סוברים, שאף שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה, מכל מקום מנהג צניעות וקדושה שלא לנהוג כך (רמב"ם, סמ"ק, רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). Some Rishonim are stringent, saying that cunnilingus is forbidden, as is gazing at the vagina, though there is no danger involved (Raavad). Other Rishonim say that doing so is permitted, but that it is pious to show concern for potential danger (Smak). Nevertheless, according to the vast majority of Rishonim, R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai’s opinion is rejected, and the halakha follows the Sages, who maintain that doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous. Some of those Rishonim even maintain that there is no less holiness in doing so (Yere’im). Many, though, think that while doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous, a holier and more modest practice is to refrain (Rambam; Smak; Rema, EH 25:2). למעשה, כיוון שדעת רוב הראשונים להקל, ובנוסף לכך גם לאוסרים האיסור מדברי חכמים בלבד, אין בדבר איסור. אמנם כיוון שלדעת רוב הראשונים מצד הצניעות והקדושה עדיף להחמיר, נכון לחוש לדעתם (רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). אבל כאשר הדבר משמח מאוד אחד מהם, ובלא זה שמחתו פגומה, הרי ששמחת מצוות עונה גוברת, וראוי שינהגו כדעת רוב הפוסקים. ואם ירצו להחמיר, יימנעו מזה בחיבור שיכול להיות ממנו עיבור. וכאשר אחד מבני הזוג חש מזה דחייה, נכון שינהגו כדעת המחמירים. In practice, since most Rishonim are lenient, and even those who forbid it agree that the prohibition is rabbinic, it is not prohibited. However, because most Rishonim feel that modesty and holiness make it preferable to be stringent, it is proper to show concern for their opinion (Rema, EH 25:2). However, if one spouse finds it very enjoyable, and their enjoyment will be marred without it, then the joy of the mitzva of ona overrides the stringent opinions, and the couple should follow the majority of the poskim. If they wish to be stringent, they can refrain from this when there is a possibility of conception. If either spouse finds it repulsive, they should follow the stringent view. אין לאשה הגבלות ביחס לנישוק וראיית האיבר של בעלה. אמנם נכון שלא יעשו דבר שדוחה אותו או אותה. ואם דבר מסוים משמח באופן מיוחד אחד מהם, אף שהשני אינו מעוניין בו כל כך, כל זמן שאינו דוחה אותו, יש בו צד של מצווה, שכל מה שמוסיף לאהבה ולשמחת החיבור שביניהם, בכלל מצוות עונה ומצוות וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ (ויקרא יט, יח). There are no limitations on a wife seeing or kissing her husband’s penis. Still, they should not do anything that repulses either one of them. If a specific act is particularly enjoyable for one of them, then even if the other one is not so interested in it, as long as they are not repulsed, there is an element of mitzva in it, for whatever adds to the love and joy of their intimate relations is part of the mitzva of ona as well as the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself.” https://www.sefaria.org/Peninei_Halakhah%2C_Simchat_Habayit_U'Virkhato.2.19.5?ven=Peninei_Halakhah,_English_ed._Yeshivat_Har_Bracha&lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en

How the Kollel Movement Lost its Way

 The Kollel movement began with noble intentions: preserving Torah learning during times of spiritual upheaval and cultivating leaders to guide the Jewish people. However, over time, certain factors may have contributed to it losing its way:

Expansion Beyond Its Original Scope: Kollel was initially reserved for the most elite scholars, but today, it has become a widespread expectation for many, regardless of aptitude or calling. This shift has diluted its purpose and placed undue pressure on families and communities.

Financial Strain: Supporting large numbers of full-time learners has created significant economic challenges. Communities struggle to sustain this model, and families often face financial hardship, which can lead to resentment and disillusionment.

Neglect of Broader Torah Values: Torah study is meant to refine character and foster a balanced, meaningful life. When Kollel becomes an end in itself, rather than a means to personal and communal growth, it risks losing its spiritual essence.

Cultural Pressures: In some circles, Kollel has become a status symbol, where societal expectations override individual suitability or genuine passion for Torah learning.

The solution lies in returning to the movement’s original goals: fostering Torah study as a path to spiritual growth, leadership, and balance. 

The History and Ideals of the Kollel Movement - AI Generated Article

 The History and Goals of the Kollel Movement: Europe, America, and Israel

The Kollel movement, a cornerstone of contemporary Torah study, has its roots in the Jewish communities of Europe. Its evolution reflects the challenges and aspirations of Jewish life across centuries and continents. Let’s explore its history and original goals in Europe, America, and Israel.

The Birth of Kollel in Europe

The concept of Kollel traces back to the Lithuanian Yeshiva movement, spearheaded by figures like Reb Chaim of Volozhin in the early 19th century. Reb Chaim, a student of the Vilna Gaon, believed that intensive Torah study was the antidote to the spiritual dangers posed by the Haskalah (Enlightenment) movement. His vision was to create a space where Torah could be studied full-time, without the distractions of earning a livelihood.

Original Goals: The primary aim was to preserve Torah learning as a way of life, ensuring that the Jewish people would remain spiritually anchored despite the pressures of modernity. Kollel was initially reserved for the most elite scholars, who were supported by community funds to dedicate themselves entirely to Torah study.

Challenges: In pre-war Europe, most Jews worked full-time and studied Torah in their spare hours. The Kollel model was not widespread but was seen as a necessary measure to protect Torah scholarship during a time of upheaval.

The Kollel Movement in America

After the Holocaust, the Jewish world faced the monumental task of rebuilding Torah institutions. In America, where materialism and assimilation posed significant challenges, the Kollel movement took on a new urgency.

Key Figures: Visionaries like Rabbi Aharon Kotler established institutions such as Beth Medrash Govoha in Lakewood, New Jersey, which became the prototype for American Kollels. Rabbi Kotler emphasized the importance of creating a cadre of Torah scholars who could serve as leaders and educators for the broader Jewish community.

Expansion: Unlike in Europe, where Kollel was limited to a select few, the American model expanded to include a larger number of young married men. These men were supported by stipends, allowing them to immerse themselves in Torah study for several years after marriage.

Goals: The American Kollel movement aimed to create a spiritual renaissance, ensuring that Torah learning would thrive in a land where Jewish life was often at odds with secular culture.

The Kollel Movement in Israel

In Israel, the Kollel movement took on a unique character, shaped by the country’s religious and political landscape. The establishment of the State of Israel in 1948 brought with it a renewed focus on Torah study as a means of preserving Jewish identity in a modern, secular state.

Chazon Ish’s Influence: The Chazon Ish, a leading rabbinic figure, played a pivotal role in promoting the Kollel system in Israel. He saw it as essential for rebuilding Torah scholarship after the devastation of the Holocaust.

Mass Participation: In Israel, the Kollel model expanded dramatically, with thousands of young men dedicating themselves to full-time Torah study. This was supported by government stipends and private donations, reflecting the belief that Torah study was a national priority.

Goals: The Israeli Kollel movement sought to create a society where Torah values would permeate every aspect of life. It also aimed to counterbalance the secularism of the broader Israeli culture.

Original Goals of the Kollel Movement

Across all these contexts, the original goals of the Kollel movement remained consistent:

Preservation of Torah Learning: Ensuring that Torah study would continue uninterrupted, even in the face of external challenges.

Spiritual Leadership: Training a generation of scholars who could serve as teachers, rabbis, and role models for the Jewish community.

Cultural Continuity: Strengthening Jewish identity and values in a rapidly changing world.

Conclusion

The Kollel movement has evolved significantly from its origins in Europe to its flourishing in America and Israel. While its goals have remained rooted in the preservation and promotion of Torah learning, the methods and scale have adapted to the unique challenges of each era and location. Understanding its history helps us appreciate the profound impact Kollel has had on Jewish life and the ongoing debates about its role in contemporary society.

Summary of "Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System"

Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System - powered by Aish.com Chatbot

This article is part of a three-part series exploring the ideology of the modern Kollel movement. My intention is not to reject Judaism or its values but to shine a light on the harms I’ve experienced, so community leaders can address them in alignment with Torah’s ideals of compassion, balance, and responsibility. While this piece focuses on my personal struggles, future articles will explore the system’s historical context, positive aspects, and potential reforms. I ask you to approach my words with an open mind.

A Shabbat Meal That Sparked Reflection

Several weeks ago, I attended a Shabbat meal hosted by a kind and dedicated Kollel couple. They graciously opened their home to me and a group of seminary girls. During the meal, one of the girls commented that her seminary was “brainwashing” students into adopting a Kollel lifestyle—a path she did not wish to follow. Her courage struck a chord in me, awakening a protective instinct for her and for the younger version of myself who had been led down a path of confusion and conformity.

Overcome by emotion, I launched into a critique of the Kollel lifestyle. While I tried to present both sides, my passion overwhelmed the discussion. I left the meal with regret, feeling I had squandered an opportunity for connection. This encounter, however, became the catalyst for deeper exploration of the Kollel system and its impact on individuals like me.

The Emotional Toll of My Experience

The anger and pain I carry from my upbringing within the Kollel ideology have consumed me for years. This visceral hatred clouds my ability to approach new experiences with openness or joy. I’ve realized that I can no longer avoid confronting the roots of this turmoil. Writing this article is both an act of catharsis and a call for accountability.

I acknowledge my bias, but my story is not an isolated case. The harms I’ve endured—financial pressures, social constraints, and the erosion of self-worth—are symptoms of deeper issues within the Kollel system. These are not abstract “systemic challenges”; they are real-world harms inflicted by individuals acting on an ideology they believed in.

A Critique of the Kollel Ideology

While the Kollel lifestyle aspires to noble ideals, in practice, it often leads to harm and disillusionment. For women, the system fosters an unhealthy codependence, tying their self-worth to their husband’s choices and achievements. This is not the Torah’s vision of marriage as a partnership of equals. Financial pressures and a lack of opportunity for personal growth compound the strain.

To me, the modern Kollel movement has strayed from its original purpose. It has become more about status and ego than about mutual respect, shared responsibility, or true dedication to Torah learning. When ideals—no matter how lofty—cause harm, it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry.

A Call for Reflection and Accountability

I share my story not to attack, but to illuminate. The harm I’ve endured is real, and it demands introspection from those who support and perpetuate the Kollel system. Torah values are meant to uplift and inspire, not to crush or harm. I urge community leaders, educators, and adherents to confront these realities with honesty and courage.

Looking Ahead

My hope is that this article sparks reflection and conversation. In my next piece, I will explore the historical context and positive aspects of the Kollel system, as well as suggestions for reform. For now, I ask readers to consider the ramifications of what I’ve shared and to join me in envisioning a future where Torah values guide us toward balance, compassion, and human flourishing.

Confronting the Beast; My Testimony and Rage against the Kollel Movement

Before you read this story please check out this article where I explain the goal and the purpose for sharing my testimony of how corrosive the Kollel ideology was on my developing psyche and the harms it has caused me as a young adults. 

    I would often hear people I respected wax poetical  about the virtue of the kollel lifestyle. This was a common conversation almost every shabbos during my formative teenage years and in many educational and social environments. 

    My father left the workforce shortly after we moved to Israel and my family joined the Kollel movement. I was very proud that we were part of this elite cohort. This of course meant that he had no money to pay for many basic necessities such as an extra pair of shoes or transportation to and back from school, but I gladly went without these luxuries inspired by the belief that I was not only taking part and sharing in the merit of his Torah learning but that these choices were preparing me for my ultimate purpose - to be the wife of a Kollel student. 

    I was reminded again and again that only a full time Torah scholar was a legitimate Jew. For a man to work was akin to idol worship or violating Shabbos. Furthermore, I was taught that a woman was incomplete and could only enter heaven through the study of her husband. I yearned for the day when I could feel a sense of pride in who I am. Feel comfortable in my own skin; feel that confidence that comes from knowing that I am worthy and that I belong. 

    I was meticulous in my dress and my actions assured in the promise that if I was modest I was guaranteed a great shidduch. I faced ridicule for my clothing choices but persevered knowing that I was headed towards something higher and my reward was promised. The denigration I would face if I deviated from this path would be even greater. 

    You see when I first moved to Israel I experienced ostracization due to my American background. Growing up as a proud orthodox Jew it was shocking to discover that I wasn't Jewish enough. Suddenly there were all these boxes and categories and a whole new set of rules had to be adopted in order to make the cut.

    I stopped wearing denim skirts. Only prostitutes wear that, I was told. We gave up our roller blades and went along with the idea that bike riding, camping and all the other fun things we did in the states would now be a thing of the past. The same confusing message was conveyed regarding makeup. Lipliner is akin to being a zona - I was told. I had to look up the word as this was the first time I heard it so I didn't understand what it meant. 

    The day of my sister's wedding there was a huge commotion over the choice to hire a makeup artist, but if what was a stake was our dignity and our innocence perhaps this was justified. Or was it? 

    I constantly heard how we were not good enough because we were too materialistic and these neighbors lived a higher level of spirituality because they were poor and lived a more spartan lifestyle. Wealth became an ugly word material possession felt shameful and dirty.  

    The first year we lived in Israel there were constant conflicts between the American and Israeli factions, or so it seemed. Actually, many of the girls who were bothered by our Americanized values were children of American immigrants. 

    The tensions came to a head when my sister repeated some conversation she should not have and was promptly kicked put of school. I was sent as the emissary to beg the teacher to allow her to come back though I only spoke a broken Hebrew and didn't even understand at the time what she had done or why it was wrong. 

    This is all to explain my mindset going into 8th grade. All the rest of the more American contingent had left the school but for some reason it seemed like a smart idea to allow me to go back there. I hadn't seen these girls all summer and was sure of the cold reception I was going to face. 

    All these years later I can imagine these girls reading my words, as I have reconnected with some of them as adults. When we discussed it they felt horrible at what I had been through but I do not blame them. At 13 years old they were as equipped as I was to handle this clash of cultures. 

    It's important to me that you understand the context within which I was introduced to the concept of Kollel. That was the first year my father left the workforce, first as a Rabbi in a local yeshiva and then full time unpaid Kollel next door to our home. In the mind of a teenage girl struggling to fit in this seemed no different than the rest of the changes we made from our clothes to our hobbies to learning Hebrew. It was about becoming more religious to live up to the ideals and the standards of the Chareidi culture in Israel. I saw it is growing in spirituality and religious observance. Coming closer to God. 

    I recall one day in class when my teacher shared in detail her deeply personal feelings about being a Kollel wife. "I was walking home the other day, alone because my husband was in Kollel. I am usually alone in the evening because my husband is in Kollel. And I saw that the local school supplies store was still open and realized that Mrs. Olsen was also home alone (don't recall the name but it was the Mom and Dad of girls who were students in our school so we all knew exactly who she was talking about). I thought, how lucky I am. How privileged and proud I can feel about myself. She is alone but her husband is working and mine is learning." 

    The clear subtext is how superior she was to this woman. I knew then that this was my ticket and committed then and there that I too wanted to feel pride in who I am. Know that I belong and would not continue to be looked down upon. This was the pathway to relevancy and acceptance. 

    And I stuck with it. I learned to live simply and tried to acquire skills that could allow me to earn a living. I pushed away that feeling inside of me that suggested I might want to be focused on my children once I became a Mom. I studied all I could about faith and knowledge of God so I would be armed with the fortitude required to pull off this lifestyle. 

    I learned not to question authority and ignore the contradictions that were so blithely whitewashed. Here are some of the questins that plagued my mind:

    If we were superior to the people who work how can we justify taking money from donors?

    How is it OK that they work to earn the money to support us? 

    How is it OK to look down on the people who make our lifestyle possible? 

    For years I never question any of it. To do so would make me a heretic. But when I entered the dating scene I could no longer avoid these inherent contradictions. Shadchanim looked at me with disdain and incredulity. how could I possibly think I was worthy of dating a yeshiva boy when I did not have parents who could commit to paying for our rent, food, groceries and all other living expenses for a young family for a minimum of 5 years - ideally ten. 

    One after another potential match said no because my father had no money. One young man did date me, behind his parents back, only to of course say no when his Dad found out that I had no money to offer. My entire worth as a person was tied to the money my parents did not have. To me this felt deeply unfair - how could he have money if he hadn't worked all these years? I had just graduated school so where was I supposed to have come up with that kind of sum? 

    On top of that, I also felt a complete lack of autonomy in what was supposed tobe the most consequential decision of my life. After years of being reassured that marrying some you meet only several times is OK because you do your research ahead of time, I was now told that it was "off" to make these phone calls only own behalf and that my questions and concerns were silly and inappropriate. You get told who you date, you meet a few times and you trust God that this is your destined partner. 

   I felt so betrayed by all the promises I heard that if I conducted myself properly as a teenager I would be guaranteed a worthy space. All the lofty lectures I had heard over the years that my ticket to heaven was to be my spouse whom I would earn through kindness, character and modest dress  - it all now rang hollow. But still I persevered because I knew nothing else and I refused to sell myself short.  

    To highlight the confusion and the whiplash I was feeling during this dark chapter I was also feeling guilty about going to University to become a licensed professional. It had been instilled in me for years and years that going to college was equivalent to turning my back on Judaism and entering the depths of hell. College was a God forsaken institution and any self respecting, pious and devout Jewish woman would not even consider committing this grave sin. 

        But I was equally bullied to the consequence of not going to college - it would be a failure of my wifely duties not to equip myself to earn a living at a high standard that a family can live on. Caught between a rock and a hard place I didn't even have the tools to consider my lack of secular education that left me I'll prepared for the rigor demanded of this program or how I was going to cover the prohibitive tuition costs and support myself until my studies were complete. Just make it work.     Carrying all this baggage I was delighted when a friend suggested that I meet her brother and assured me that money would be of no issue. For privacy, I won't specify what concerned me, thise details are irrelevant to the story. The bottom line is that I brought these concerns to mentors and to a teacher. I was laughed at. 

    "Dina thinks dating is supposed to be like going to an amusement park. It's not supposed to be fun." I was ridiculing for wishing more out of life than it was meant to offer. 

    "You can't say no after one date," I was told. "Give it a chance." 

    And a second and a third. And then: "If you went on four dates that is proof that you like him. You must get engaged. It is sinful to strong it along. You have no other option that to marry this man of whom you express deep reservations and concerns - don't you realize how lucky you are that he has agreed to meet you? No other yeshiva boy would even consider hearing your name. You come from a poor family and this is the best you could hope for."

    When I tired to apply stalling tactics I was yelled at and told that I was being chutzpadik, selfish and immature. Out of fear of reprisal and retaliation for disobeying the directives I was given - I went ahead and "closed the deal". 

    Throughout the engagement I tried again and again to get out of what I instinctively knew was a mutually toxic relationship. I had come to realize that I myself had some deep seated issues and was ill equipped to handle the responsibilities of a marriage. This thing I had dreamed of for so long now seemed like a terrible future and I wanted no part in it. I was overruled. 

    "You are rash and impulsive." These were some of the words that were used to successfully convince me that I was too young and stupid to know my own mind. That is would be fool-hardly and even sinful to break off an engagement.

    Lacking a backbone or the knowledge of how to even think for myself I allowed myself to be swept along. I got married and after five torturous months I realized that my health and my wellbeing was in jeopardy. Now that I had a child on the way that I was responsible for I finally found the courage to do what I knew was right. 

    I have been told many times that leaving a situation that was wrong for me has tremendous value regardless of what followed. I find it hard to congratulate myself considering that what followed: abandoning my child, succumbing to depression, losing my speech therapy license, leading a dysfunctional and unproductive life for many years and countless suicide attempts. 

    While I remain in doubt as to the sum virtue of my choices what is clear to me is that the brainwashing and the bullying I experienced was not just wrong- it was evil. Yes, I made some bad choices. I wasn't perfect. But the environment I was raised in and the ideology that I was taught is dangerous and unacceptable. 

    I am not an outlier. My story is different than most, yet I have seen how these harms affect countless others. I have discussed this topic with friends, family and acquaintances - many righteous Jewish women who lead beautiful Torah homes. They are dedicated wives and loving mothers and devote themselves to keeping Shabbos and running a safe and nurturing home for their family. Some of my friends juggle a demanding career alongside their familial responsibilities and some have the opportunity to be a stay at home Mom. Each with their unique reasons and circumstance.                            Heartbreakingly, so many shared with me the guilt they carry and the inadequacy they feel because their husband does not learn Torah full time. Honest work is something they feel gives them shame and a feeling of loss. Heroically, they do not abandon Torah and Mitzvos. They remain committed to the Jewish community all while hearing this little voice in their head that tells them that in the eyes of the Torah they aren't good enough. In Chareidi circles - they didn't cut it. 

    Until recently I could only imagine what goes on their husband's minds and how can they get up every day and face the challenges of work, Torah studies, mitzva observance and joyful parenting shackled by this oppressive worldview that condemns them and defines them as second rate. Recently I was faced with head-on listening to the anguish of a Yeshiva boy who couldn't make it in Yeshiva. He had come to the realization that continuing Torah studies full time was not feasible for him. I did not get the chance to hear from him why he was returning to the states and entering the workforce but he shared with me his guilt and the inferiority he felt with regard to his next chapter. I was gratified that he wanted to hear my perspective and open to the idea that his new pathway was also holy. It is so painful to me that he walked away from the conversation unconvinced that his pathway is just as worthy in the eyes of God. 

    The Yeshiva bochur and I met each other when together we confronted a Christian missionary and tried to convince him why his behavior was inappropriate, disrespectful and - in our eyes - evil. This made me think: since when is the belief in one god no longer the cornerstone of Judaism? Historically the essence of a committed jew was the willingness to give your life for "Shema Yisrael  hashem Elokainu Hahsem Echad". Judaism has been hijacked by an insidious combination of Marxism and egotistic notion reminiscent of the guided age elitism.  

    We don't even hear about the value and importance of "נשאת ונתתה באמונה" or the beauty of the blessings of industry and prosperity. Judaism today is not about a shared belief, legacy and heritage - its about status and pretending that the Torah has nothing to say about wealth acquisition. Moshe was chosen as a leader because he was independent wealthy. For other reasons as well but this is a vital criteria for a Jewish leader yet we have to pretend he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. 

    When I was 19 years old I asked the wife of a respected Rabbi how to reconcile these issues. I had heard from her husband's lectures about the danger of college, the importance of Bitachon and it had also been drilled into me that a woman's not allowed to have a career because she must dedicate her life to taking care of her home and her children. She said to me, "but Dina we also have to live in reality."

    The message was clear, Torah and reality are in conflict. The Torah does not provide a framework and a guide for living your life.  It was nearly 20 years before I learned of Adam Smith and his book "The Wealth of Nations" that finally explained to me the virtue of honest work and in pursuing your own self interest. Why did it have to be a catholic economist, Daniel Di Martino, to teach me ideas stated clearly in the Torah? 

(I am not promoting Catholicism - please see the bottom of the article to understand the context of Adam Smith and Daniel Di Martino to my story.)

    How backwards is it that a worldwide famous Rebetzin thinks it is OK to bash Walmart - look at all this gashmius. I think if she lived in Venuzuala she would recognized how blessed she is to live in America where hard work is valued and free market principles are upheld. Hearing Mr. Di Martino describe the joy he feels every time he walks through a supermarket made me realize how sinful it is to denigrate the blessings of prosperity and wealth. He is filled with gratitude  to the point of taking pictures of the cereal and meat. He has the lived experience of shopping in grocery stores with empty shelves, you have to checkout via your ID and fingerprint and you are barred from taking home that second package of toilet paper. 

    I am so grateful to this Venezuelan dissident. I was inspired when I  heard his story and his message:  participating in a system of economic prosperity is a noble and virtuous mission. When speaking to a group of Catholic high school and college students he said: "Being poor will not make you more Christian. It will not make you more happy." 

    Somewhere along the way Rabbis and school teachers thought it was OK to demonize wealth acquisition and entrepreneurship. How did this cancer spread in our society that we don't even question this or call it out? These so called leaders fear no repercussion advocating against prosperity and industry and they seem to carry no sense of obligation to consider the ramifications of these terrible ideas that they advocate for and perpetuate.

    During the course of my research again and again advocates for this ideology responded to my concerns with a justification that Torah learning is the highest ideal. It would be rude to tell a Rabbi or an interlocuter "you are a liar". I usually hold my tongue but how else am I too feel when these people keep contradicting themselves? So many Rabbis, Rebbetzins and other orthodox Jews talk out of both sides of their mouth when it comes to this topic. 

    How can you advocate for a highest ideal that not everyone can attain? This is in direct contradiction with the teachings that one is supposed to balance work and Torah, the value of integrating with society. If you say that "Kollel is a noble path that some people should choose" while recognizing that supporting and spreading Torah learning is a community partnership - that I can agree with. I have also been told that Jewish people are like an orchestra, one who earns a living is no less worthy than one who dedicates his life to Torah scholarship to the exclusion of vocational pursuits. What troubles me is that in the goal of advancing the cause of Torah it has become acceptable to demonize honest work. 

    The catholic clergy do act as the intermediaries between the worshipers and God. They live at a higher spiritual level. The ego and superiority infused into the Kollel mindset as it is presented and encouraged appears to be very similar to the catholic dynamic between the worshipers with the vicar of Christ.

    Considering the relentless onslaught of these ideas on my developing psyche I will be honest about how I feel when I think of an orthodox Jewish man. I get the same reaction that Megyn Kelly describes that she feels when she thinks of Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is a misogynist. He operates a pimping website and advocates beating women and expressing pride in your manhood through engaging in the degrading subjugation of women. That is how I feel about orthodox Rabbis. I get a twist in my stomach when I think of an orthodox man.

    (These feelings have also evolved as a result of the subsequent fear mongering from Rabbis when I sought a divorce - threatening me with damnation and the burden of sin should I choose to say no to a situation that I knew so clearly to be wrong.) 

    I recall when I first met my neighbors in French Hill - they are very kind people with a generous open home. I was tired of being bored and lonely on Friday nights and asked to join them. I got there before shul ended and just his nod as he said hello made my stomach twist. Despite the fear of the danger they posed tome I am glad I took that risk. Meeting them changed my life. 

    Over time I became best friends with his wife. Though she is the one who hosts me for shabbat meals and is married to the Torah scholar she treats me like I am a Rebbetzin, respecting the knowledge and expertise that I can offer. Despite my lack of religious observance and mental health issues they hired me to be their sons speech therapist. This spurred me to open a private practice and develop my skills as a competent professional. I gained confidence in the belief that I had something of value to contribute to the world.

        I also developed a relationship with a young Kollel couple the next neighborhood over. We have a connection from back home and it was just easier to develop a friendship with her based on our shared background than to develop a new social network. Another kollel family entrusted me with the safety of their preemie and gave me the privilege of taking care of him in the NICU. They needed the help what with an older daughter and the newborn twin back at home. These friendships were really painful and complicated to me - constantly fearing rejection, always on guard and suspicious of their words and their actions. Carrying with me to every interaction the awareness in the back of my head that these people disrespect me and look at me in judgement. I tried really hard to make friends through a secular organization, Hillel, but nothing stuck. So my social circle continued to be exclusively Chareidi families in Jerusalem.

    It was so painful for me to be constantly surrounded by people I loved and deeply cared about but served to me as a constant symbol of rejection. I hated everything they stood for but they were my friends and I wasn't willing to give up these friendships over ideological difference. I still join their shul on chag and feel no joy in the dancing, no connection to the community and to the shared mission their celebration stands for. It has no meaning meaning for me. 

    My own son is carrying on this tradition. I care about him and I am so proud of the discipline and intentionality of his actions. His wisdom, ambition, humility and deep insight give me huge hope for the future of the Jewish people. His very existence is everything to me and having a relationship with him is the most important thing in my life. 

    I know that his future wife is currently being educated in this very school of thought that has caused me so much heartache. The two of them will one day raise their children in this lifestyle, with God's help. Yet I feel so disconnected. What part do I have in it? My friends, my community and my own family are perpetuating a system that I have only experienced as deeply corrosive and dare I say anti-human. 

    Intellectually I can see how they found a balance in the competing responsibilities and ideals but I feel forever stuck as I can't walk away but I can't wash away the raging negative emotions that shadow every interaction and thought I have with them. For a while I disconnected from everyone. Retreated again into a depression. Avoided all social interaction or any sense of functionality and had many many suicide attempts. That got me nowhere. 

    One situation did move the needle but I only realized it when I heard the story of Adriana/Adina, a Christian girl who converted to Judaism after working as the #non-Jewish nanny for orthodox children in Boca Raton. I realized that I had a work experience similar to hers. 

    I had been working in an early childhood clinic in Arnona providing speech therapy to children from diverse backgrounds. Then this one boy came and his father - with his black pants, black Kippah and starched white shirt - was the perfect embodiment of all the people who had so betrayed and hurt me all those years ago. It was painful for me to work with his child when doing so required sitting side by side with what felt to me the person who had caused me life lasting wounds. Not him, but in my heart it felt one and the same. 

    What was even more jarring was the deep respect with which he treated me. Not just polite but seeking my unique insight and wisdom. How could someone who considers me an outcast and a heretic be asking me to give him guidance? From the toys he should purchase to the formation of the tongue for the production of various sounds he hung onto every word. His wife - when was able to come - was even worse. The judgement and coercion from woman had been the nail on the coffin. From the stylish wig to her sweet demeanor she seemed to be oozing contempt. So I assumed. Everything about her reminded me of this deeply ingrained feeling of rejection. Yet her actions did not match that and I constantly had this feeling like I was in some kind of "twilight zone". 

    I was professional and never shared with anyone how I felt. It was such a pleasure to work with dedicated parents who not only appreciated my expertise but were partners in my efforts. To see their son flourish was a joy as a clinician and when I can see a direct result and benefit from my work not just on the child but on the entire family unit that always gave me so much satisfaction. This incongruence between the courtesy they showed to me and the wholesomeness in how they treated their child - it scattered my preconceived notions of Kollel people. I reached out to them a few years later on a different topic and they expressed to me the lasting impact I had on their child but they will never know the impact they had on me. 

    It is with all this complexity that I come to the question my dear friend asked me. She is a high school teacher. Focused and industrious she supports her husband in learning and seeks to instill in her students an aspiration to do the same. When I presented to her the downside of this educational goal she asked me, but how to I inspire my students without telling them that there is something higher in this lifestyle?    

    I think the solution lies in the problem. Most teachers do not even know the history of Kollel why it was started and what it sought to accomplish. We don't live in pre war Europe, post war America and Israel is an established Jewish homeland. It would not be advised on this day an age for a couple to live with the brides parents for the first decade or so of their life as the Chofetz Chaim did with his daughter. But when we understand the roots and teach this vital history together with a robust understanding of all the values of Torah and mitzva observance along with what the Torah has to say about business, Adam Smith and free market enterprise than we will be setting our children and the next generation up for a life of joy and meaning and a healthy balance in pursuing all these ideals at the highest level possible.

In the next article I write on this topic I hope to share this positive vision for what Kollel has been and what it can become. I plan to include suggestions for reforms that will foster healthy and authentic Judaism and allow for human flourishing and the preservation of Torah for our children and grandchildren and all the generations to follow. 

The above photos comprise a journal entry of sorts that I wrote on this topic several days after my most recent suicide attempts. A friend called me that morning and during the course of that discussion I decided to change course and see again what life had to offer. Sifting through my confusion on the topic of human value and the dignity of work was one of the first steps towards that effort. 

Page 1:

So much joy seen in the free market worldview (specifically my recent discovery of Venezuelan born economist Daniel Di Martino).

But so much pain that I wasn’t raised this way. I did get advice but without philosophical underpinning and was so brainwashed by them.

It’s sad — not in a self-pity sadness — but in a holding myself and giving understanding and comfort.

But my issues weren’t just financial, also philosophical — knowing how to think for myself or how to research and find the facts or the underlying principles to guide myself.

I guess everyone eventually dies and even a mid-range life is short in the scope of history.

I feel I learned the lessons too late.

Perhaps it is just a matter of luck.

For me it was failing to find and follow the correct mentors, social skills with friends and teachers, and switching often between groups.

I can blame the system. However many people learn to read between the lines and be their own teacher.

It starts with having permission to explore ideas w/o predetermined conclusion and freedom to figure out for oneself one’s life path.

Here is where I think Free Market Enterprise is aligned w/ freedom and where the kollel philosophy goes astray.

Page 2:

There is an idea of legitimacy and relevance and only the best is sufficient.

Plenty promoted interests are making out the framework.

The Torah teaches "each man under his olive tree and his vineyard" and "a righteous woman travels far to bring bread home for her family"  not socialism where we all own shared property — this is not the Jewish path and neither is taking from the rich to pay the poor, that is stealing.

Since elimelech was punished and boaz was rewarded, in Judaism,

We have faith that reward/punishment comes from G-d — charity should not be imposed by the government.

The attitude of learning and welfare to subsidize Torah is wrong. (Hud, medicaid to subdize kollel families in lakewood and other kollel communities. 

It is an individual’s responsibility to balance pursuing a living, raise a family and uphold individual spiritual pursuits.

It is up to the individual to demonstrate value of his revelation, raise funds + contributions to support his spiritual endeavors.

With the understanding that for me this is all theoretical, given stage of life, from various perspectives — that being said, the balance is for each person, family, community to find the path that is true for them.

Perhaps the philosophical theorizing is my contribution.

 Adam Smith and Daniel Di Martino

Adam Smith was a Scottish philosopher who essentially founded the field of economics. His book, published the same year as the signing of The Declaration of Independence, revolutionized the way we think about trade and commerce. Some say his work was just as consequential to freedom as the American Revolution. 

Daniel Di Martino is a Venezuelan immigrant to the United States. He travels the country fighting the slow march of communism across America. He usually speaks or writes from a faith neutral perspective. Please note that while two of his lectures and one article he has written on the topic of free market principles do touch upon ethical frameworks based on his Catholic faith, my primary intent in mentioning him and the consequential impact he has had on me is to highlight the limited education on economics  in the Jewish community and limited discourse on free market enterprise within Jewish intellectual and communal spaces.

I in no way advocate for the beliefs or theology of the Catholic faith. In fact the reality that I had to search Catholicism to find answers on this and other critical topics is another huge danger to Judaism. I found Yad Leachim along my journey but other people might not be so lucky. Why should a Jewish woman feel compelled to look outside of Judaism for answers that were there all along?

Edge of The Abyss; My Personal Struggle with the Promise and the Pitfalls of the Modern Kollel Movement

In this article I share the impetus and purpose of a subsequent article I wrote in which I describe the trauma I experienced as a result of being raised within the ultra-orthodox community in Israel - most specifically the harms inflicted upon me as a result of the ideology espoused by the modern Kollel movement. My intention is not to reject Judaism or its values, but to shine a light on the dangers I’ve experienced so that community leaders can address them in a way that aligns with the Torah’s true ideals of compassion, balance, and responsibility.

I want to frame this article within the context of three blog posts exploring Kollel ideology and therefore ask you to see this articles as is one step in a thoughtful, multi-faceted exploration of the topic.

I plan to write a third article focusing on its positive aspects, historical context and suggestions for reform. Please see my critique as part of a broader, constructive conversation and understand that my perspective is not solely rooted in criticism but also seeks to engage with the ideals and potential of the Kollel system. While personal grievance clearly fuels me I ask you to approach my article with an open mind.

AI Summary of "Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System"

Several weeks ago I went to a Shabbat meal by a lovely young Kollel couple. I was invited along with four seminary girls. They came from the states to experience a year of living in Jerusalem and reinforcing the Torah values they had been taught back home. This woman - the lovely hostess - had reached out to me - a stranger - from the kindness of her heart. Her husband is a dedicated Torah scholar; having learned in his youth in an elite Torah institution he continues to dedicate himself fulltime to the pursuit of Torah knowledge. This lifestyle requires a shared commitment and partnership considering the financial and practical implications involved. Towards the ends of the meal I praised her and expressed my deep appreciation for her initiative and hospitality. I wish my actions reflected my words and the respect and admiration I felt. 

At the beginning of the Shabbat seudah one of the Seminary girls commented how her seminary has already begun to "brainwash" them into adopting a Kollel lifestyle, a path that she does not wish to follow. I was impressed by her insight and courage. I felt jealous as she had an awareness that I discovered too late. A protective motherly instinct welled up inside me not just for these impressionable sweet girls but for the little girl inside me who was led astray to a path of confusion, conformity and limitation. I launched into a passionate discussion as to the evil nature of the lofty and noble lifestyle that my hosts lead. I tried to give a fair shake to both sides and was inspired by the perspective they shared - when I let them get in a word in edgewise. 

Having let my emotions get the best of me I don't think I accomplished the goal I had intended. All I really left with was shame and regret that I ruined an amazing opportunity for friendship and community. This encounter inspired a deeper exploration of the issues, something that had been on my mind for a while and I had been putting off. This conversation is long overdue but I am certainly not approaching it by way of apology or justification. Whatever trauma I have experienced it is not my intention to dump this baggage onto others. Rather, through my personal experiences, I came to recognize certain systemic issues within the modern Kollel movement. 

These experiences became the impetus for my exploration of how this ideology impacts individuals and communities. By sharing my story, I hope to illuminate these challenges and spark a conversation about how we can address them constructively. I am not here to fix the system or offer solutions. I am here to tell my story, to give voice to the pain and anger that has consumed me, and to help others see and feel the reality of what I’ve endured. What happened to me is not an isolated incident. It is a symptom of deeper issues within the Kollel ideology that have caused harm to many others.

I am not sure that merely writing about clarifying my thoughts and expressing my emotions regarding the Kollel practice can calm the burning fire simmering inside me. This blind and visceral hatred prevents me from approaching any new experience with intentionality, openness, curiosity or even joy. It is clear that I can no longer avoid coming to terms with the roots and implications of what the Kollel movement means to me seeing how this rage consumes me. 

It is so important to me to get this right and I have been experiencing tremendous writers block grappling with the enormity of this topic. I tried to use AI for this article - it was a bizarre experience arguing theology with a robot. Rabbi Coopersmith's Alter ego was helpful in sourcing and in engaging with rigorous critique of the inconsistencies and dangers posed by this ideology. Still, I am struggling to give expression to my thoughts. Reflecting on the consequential and deeply personal implications of this article I found myself spending several minutes pondering and deliberating the wording of just the title. 

"The edge of the abyss" means being on the verge of a very dangerous, threatening, or critical situation. This can be a literal geographical chasm or a metaphorical state of crisis, such as financial ruin, despair, or extreme uncertainty. This imagery is spot on for me - being brainwashed into this misguided ideology has led me to the edge of heresy. I nearly abandoned Judaism and even stepped passed the threshold of lucidity and nihilism. I still flail about in attempt in search of a clarity that seems ever beyond my grasp. 

Before I dive in I ask that you keep an open mind to what I have to say. While I do see the Kollel in a very negative light it is my wish to impress upon the community to see these dangers as a five alarm fire and recognize that damage of this magnitude will lead to a cascade of negative consequences to the larger Jewish community. I am not here to demonize orthodox Jews or destroy the fabric of society that gives many people hope and purpose. I hope to give a fair shake to both perspectives on this topic and in doing so stay true to the pursuit of truth. I ask adherents to this worldview to keep an open mind and acknowledge the sinister underbelly that must be rooted out lest it cause even more heartache and devastation to young women like it did to me. 

I hesitated to share my opinion because I am no longer an active member of this community but stepping outside these systems perhaps gives me a clearer perspective. Sometimes, it’s easier to see the flaws and challenges in a system when you’re no longer immersed in them. So I have some to realize that even from the outside my voice matters. Raising awareness about these issues—whether through conversations, writing, or other means—can help create the transparency and accountability that’s so desperately needed. 

While researching this topic I framed the discussion by characterizing Kollel as an ideology. Therefore, in the pursuit of clarity and truth, I explored the historical origins of the Kollel practice and where it took a turn from the Torah ideals that undergird this system. However, I would not be doing it justice to confine this conversation to an academic discussion based on ideas, sources and facts because it is my experiences with this practice and the people who advocate for this lifestyle that has shaped my negative perspective on Kollel and developed a burning anger and hatred of these people. It is the long winded arc of being introduced then rejected and then coming full circle to being reembraced by Kollel people that can convey the complexity and nuance of what this worldview means to me. 

While the Kollel lifestyle aspires to noble ideals, in practice, it has often led to harm and disillusionment. Based on my experience I feel that the Kollel mindset leads to abuse and depression; a perspective that has led me to conclude that while the Kollel lifestyle appears innocent and even lofty it has lost its way. It is no longer about a shared communal project, mutual respect, a shared sense of responsibility or even about dedication to torah learning.

 

The modern iteration of the Kollel system has become about status and ego. To me it is a dark, deceptive and sinister ideology that has destroyed many young lives. When ideals—no matter how noble—lead to real-world harm it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry in its application. Torah values are meant to uplift and bring balance, not to crush or harm. If the Kollel mindset, as it’s being lived out in certain communities, is causing such damage, it’s essential to confront these realities with honesty and courage. 

My personal wish is to find peace from the inner turmoil and torment I wrestle with related to this topic. I am sharing it with the public to offer solidarity and support for others who have had similar experiences - you are not alone.  It is my fervent wish for this article to spark reflection and conversation amongst teachers, adherents, supporters and community leaders; a conversation that can create the change that can minimize these harms moving forward and develop a value system and a culture that is conducive to prosperity and human flourishing. This vision will restore the Torah to be the guide for living in this modern world that it was always meant to be. 

My aim is to do so while still respecting the ideals that Kollel life aspires to embody. The key would be to present my experience in a way that invites reflection and accountability, rather than defensiveness. The challenge to that is that my mind is so clouded on this topic by the suffering I have endured and the constant pain I live with as a result. I am being honest about the bias with which I approach this topic so that I can share my opinion with authenticity while also doing so in a way that keeps the door open for honesty and reflection from the readers who may be taken aback my harsh assessment of a way of life that they hold dear. 

When I express my critique of the Kollel movement I am often told that "there are challenges within the system." This is not about systemic challenges. It is real world harms. It is infuriating to hear the excuse and explanation that the injustice I experienced and I take deep issue with the phrase "systemic pressures". These were real people. Individuals who made deliberate choices based on an ideology they believed in. Framing is in the context of a "system" takes away the blame for the people who behaved badly and for the ideas and beliefs that guided their actions. 

What is more is that my story is unique. There are people will criticize me and say that I am an outlier and that his just happened to me. I am not a data point or a statistic. I fell between the cracks. That statement is true, but so is my story. It is a reality that cannot be ignored. The reality and the impact of the Kollel ideology on my story reveals not only the cracks in the system but also the sinister values embedded within the ideology itself. I refuse to stand silent about an ideology that has led to and allowed such a tragedy to happen.

By sharing my experience, I'm not just telling my story—I'm holding up a mirror to the ideology and the individuals who perpetuated it. Yes, people may claim it’s an isolated case, but the very fact that it happened at all demands introspection. As someone who has experienced these harms firsthand and seen the negative impact from many others as well I know that my voice is crucial in this conversation. By sharing my story I can shine a light on these harms. 

Some of these harms include the financial and social pressures and the development of an unhealthy sense of codependence that is fostered when a woman is led to believe that all her sense of self worth and value is tied to the choices and actions of her husband. This is not the intention of the Torah philosophy that sees marriage as a partnership of equals. For me to explain how I have come to such a negative conclusion on the modern Kollel movement I would have to go back to when I was a preteen when my family moved to Israel shortly before my bas mitzva and then the years I grew up as a teenager in the newly developing Ramat Beit Shemesh.  

The end result of my upbringing was to be set up for failure - to see the world with a constricted vision. I was conditioned to accept that my destiny was to live a life of compromise. When contemplating beliefs or dreams regarding a career or what mother I wanted to be - there was no path forward where I wouldn't be crossing some spoken or unspoken rule. Juggling various responsibilities to find a way to make it work, that discussion was not offered. The only option offered was to sacrifice one principle or another; committing a fatal error seemed unavoidable. The dilemma I faced was not between right and wrong it was between betraying my religious precepts or abandoning basic responsibilities that reality mandates. 

I share my story not to attack, but to illuminate. The harm I’ve endured is real, and it is not mine alone. I hope my words spark reflection, accountability, and a commitment to ensuring that Torah values uplift rather than harm. I am not here to prescribe solutions, but to demand that these harms be acknowledged and addressed by those who hold influence in the community. 

What I wish for young Jewish girls 18, 19 that I meet is that they should feel that the sky is the limit. To see the years ahead of them as full of opportunity and promise. Instead, what I was told is that my duty was to abandon my values and that any sort of ambition was immature, narcissistic and unrealistic. That is why I ask that you consider the ramifications of what happened to me and that you consider what reforms and measures must be taken so that we protect our precious sons and daughters and ensure that the truth of Torah will be preserved for this and many generations into the future.