Thursday, September 11, 2025

The Guard Stands in Vain; A Defense of "Thoughts and Prayers"

Reflections on rising Anti-Christian and antisemitic violence in light of the assassination of Charlie Kirk. 


Two weeks ago, on the morning of August 27th, a mass shooting occurred at the Church of the Annunciation in the Windom neighborhood of Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States. The attack took place during a scheduled school-wide Mass attended by the students and faculty of Annunciation Catholic School. People of all religious backgrounds received this news in horror and shock; how could a place of prayer being targeted and such a painful tragedy take place in a house of worship? Incidents like this challenge our faith that ours is a God that rewards the righteous and punishes the wicked. 

The fact that this horrific assault took place in America's heartland questions our belief in the country as a place for Freedom of Worship and a safe haven for the virtuous and the persecuted. After centuries of unspeakable violence between various religions and within religions the founders finally made a declaration that all people of virtue are born with a God given right to pursue their conscience and serve God as they understand him and in accordance with what he demands of them. These battles included nomadic pagan tribes,  Catholics and Muslims during the crusades, Catholics and Protestants following the reformation, during many British rebellions and counter rebellions, to name a few examples. America was the great hope for humanity, for people of conviction and for a world that allows for of coexistence.

For me, this most recent church shooting and the assassination of Charlie Kirk were in some ways more painful than Jewish targeted violence. Just two days earlier, six religious jews were murdered in my city, Jerusalem, at an intersection that I myself have passed through many times. These were people from my community and my faith. So I wondered why the public execution of a Christian martyr hit me so close to home. I guess it is because I feel like antisemitism is not new, we expect it, whereas this atrocity seemed to be an all out war on God. It was a call to eradicate the possibility and mere notion that a faithful and Godly person can walk the earth. It dawned on me that if religious motivated violence has spread to Christian children and preachers than we are really in trouble; if Catholic schoolkids and a pundit such as Charlie Kirk are not safe - where does that leave us? 

I don't draw these conclusions lightly. The recent shooting at the Annunciation church is part of a growing pattern within the context of other incidents of targeted murder and violent persecution of faithful Christians in recent history. These incidents include the Nashville shooting at The Covenent School, a Christian elementary school in Nashville on March 27th, 2023, the racist shooting at Mother Emanuel Church during a bible study meeting in Charlston, South Carolina June 17th, 2015 and the deadliest mass shooting at an American place of worship that took place at the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas on November 5th, 2017. Though I reject the Christian theology regarding the nature of God, I feel it is my duty to speak up because there is something dark and evil when anyone is murdered for daring to serve God and all of us who live faith based lives must stand in solidarity against this.

What was especially appalling was the response of left-wing politicians and commentators who took the opportunity of children being murdered during prayer to denounce prayer and people of faith who live their lives centered on prayer. Before the condition of the victims or the number of survivors were even known they preemptively attacked conservatives for the commonly used phrase of "thoughts and prayers"  in response to moments such as these. There is a time for analysis and a time for action, but when the dead are still lying in a pool of blood and the living are barely hanging on, reflection and prayer is all we can offer as we stand in hope for the best possible outcome. 

Here are some of the vile comments spoken, tweeted and shared.

Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey: “Don’t just say this is about thoughts and prayers right now, these kids were literally praying. It was the first week of school, they were in a church.”

Jen Psaki: "Prayers is not freaking enough. Prayers does not end school shootings. Prayers do not make parents feel safe sending their kids to school. Prayer does not bring these kids back. Enough with the thoughts and prayers."

Gavin Newsom: “These children were literally praying as they got shot at.”

There is one defense to their mindset and this is the response that Psaki herself shared on her show. Imagine standing in front of a high rise fire where people are trapped inside and the firefighter is kneeling in prayer instead of going inside. Alternatively, a reckless teenager drives way beyond the speed limit without a seatbelt but justifies this behavior saying, "I said the blessing of a traveler so God will protect me on my journey". 

There is a time and a place for prayer but God also demands action, especially in protection of the innocent. For example, in Judaism it is a sin to build a porch or a rooftop without a proper gate or guardrail. When Rabbi Machlis, a well known Rabbi in Jerusalem, heard from his granddaughter and her husband that the Grand Canyon has insufficient bannisters and railing support for hikers and visitors, he insisted that we immediately find the contact information for the Government office responsible for maintaining that Park and then asked for my assistance to draft and send a strongly worded letter urging them to fix this oversight immediately. 

We all agree that action must be taken to prevent school shootings, but feirce debate rings out every time this happens regarding what that action should look like. For democrats, the answer is legislation regarding gun ownership.  Democrat politicians and activists hold strong political beliefs regarding gun control; they want to see severe limits placed on the Second Amendment. One can guess or speculate their true motives and still agree that the high incidence of mass shootings in the US, especially in schools, is reprehensible. Every time there is a mass shooting they renew their calls for more restrictive gun laws; efforts that prove futile every time because this language only galvanizes gun rights activists and causes an increase in gun purchases and ownership. 

What is truly pathetic is that their thinking is totally backwards. Charlie Kirk was murdered in a gun-free zone. There was another attempted mass shooting in a church that was thwarted because parishioners were law-abiding gun owners. In the recent terrorist attack in Jerusalem that took the lives of 6 passengers, the terrorists were neutralized by an off-duty cop and a gun-carrying civilian. Sick and evil people walk the earth and I feel very safe in Jerusalem knowing that the city is literally saturated with guns. I once volunteered in the NICU and noticed that a Dad of one of the preemies came to visit his baby with a gun on his hip. A nurse on the post-surgical ward when I was recently hospitalized also walked around on duty with a gun. People travel the bus, go to synagogue, shop for groceries openly carrying a gun. Good people with guns cannot prevent evil acts but they can thwart them, minimize the damage and serve as a deterrent. 

In the two weeks between the school shooting and the assassination of Charlie Kirk, I thought a lot about this topic and had many ideas and suggestions for Christians in America and how they must improve the security around their churches and schools. And while I am not negating the importance of such actions I realize now how backwards this conversation has become. Think of it in the Jewish context: Jewish men must pray in a quorum three times a day, hence a "synagogue" can be the conference room in an office building, the boarding gate in an airport or even a hallway in an arcade or a mall. 

While I totally encourage law-abiding people of faith to consider weapons training, gun ownership and volunteering to provide security for their local schools and houses of worship this is not a feasible answer. Nor should it be. We cannot normalize a world where political violence against conservatives or the targeted killing of people of faith is acceptable. 

What is even more critical to understand is that on our own we are helpless to the forces of evil. God alone can protect us. In Psalms 127 we acknowledge that if God does not protect the city the Guard stands in vain on his post - hence the title for this article. Charlie Kirk lived and breathed this chapter. He built a political empire and at every opportunity he gave all the glory to God. "If God does not build the house his children toiled for naught."

So even if we agreed with the gun control agenda there is no excuse to diminish prayer and there was a justifiable backlash against this demeaning rhetoric. Amongst the responses, Vice President Vance posted on X: "Why do you feel the need to attack other people for praying when kids were just killed praying?" 

Karoline Levvitt responded to the criticism of "thoughts and prayers" from the White House podium: “I saw the comments of Ms. Psaki and frankly I think they're incredibly insensitive and disrespectful to the tens of millions of Americans of faith across this country who believe in the power of prayer, who believe that prayer works.”

But there is a glaring contradiction that they did raise - a question that begs an answer: how can we believe in prayer when children were killed in a church and prayer did not help them? Two conflicts must be resolved here. First is how can a loving God allow evil to happen; how can bad things happen to good people? The second, does prayer have the ability to effect change - what can it really accomplish?

I believe that we need to ask what is the purpose and the goal of prayer to understand its power. Something can only be judged if it works if we know what is the goal and the yardstick by which it should be measured. I want to start by examining the word "prayer," which in Hebrew is Lehitpalel, a reflexive verb. Prayer is a form of introspection, looking inward. The root of the word is Palel, which means to judge. Prayer is an opportunity for self-analysis and self-evaluation. 

This explanation is a start but is wholly insufficient. Why do we need God in the equation? Is prayer just a spiritual or formulaic version of meditation? No. Another meaning of the word is to beg. Prayer is not just about reflection, it is also supplication.

 Psalms 27 is a chapter I and most orthodox Jews say every day this month in the weeks leading up to Rosh Hashono - in this chapter is a classical verse: One thing I ask of God this I will request, to dwell in the house of the lord all the days of my life. We see from this verse that prayer definitely includes supplication, asking God to give us our wants and needs; yet through the meditative process of standing before God and articulating our wishes and hopes we clarify to ourselves that which is most important to us. 

One of the most iconic and pivotal moments in Jewish history that define Zionism as an integral part of Judaism is when Moses stood before God and desperately pleaded that he be allowed to experience just one moment in the hold land. An entire Parsha (Torah portion), Vaeschanan, derives its name from Moses' entreaties before God to enter Eretz Yisrael. Vaeschanan translated means I will plead before God. Moses prayed and God said no.

 So here lies the deeply mystifying paradox. Why is it that when we pray, God ignores us? This seems to be proof that there is no God at all. 

Julius Cis gave a profound answer to both of the above mentioned questions when he participated in a conversation with Christians on the nature and belief in Jesus Christ as the son of God. While he demonstrated deep respect for Christians and encouraged them in their faith he advocated that Jewish people reject the trinity and follow our tradition on the nature and unity of God. 

He was asked, how can you view God as loving when he destroyed the world with a flood? He responded that God did not destroy the world, he preserved it. He saved Noah and his sons because they proved to be the only people on earth that had any semblance of righteousness he also saved every species and his desire was to eradicate an immense amount of evil that was in the world and started  fresh so he didn't destroy the world.

"The world was on on on the brink of Destruction. God does not want to see evil in this world and he makes it clear in the Bible that those people who conduct themselves in way that are awful and mean and vicious and crude some of them sometimes deserving of death as a punishment of their deeds now we have to understand God who gives us his law must know ultimately what is right and wrong and I'm not going to question God's reasons for doing things I'm just going to thank God that he's given us ability to know who he is through his Bible."

This sheds light on why do bad things happen in the world. But what about God saying no to our prayers? His response changed my entire perspective on life, an impact that has stuck with me ever since. 

He said: "When you flip a coin and you pray to God in the name of Jesus Christ that it be heads and its heads was it Christ that answered it and if it lands on tails was it Christ that answered that? Or is there not a possibility in life that certain things will happen regardless of your prayers? 

The idea of prayers is to give a person faith in the God-given ability to make the right decisions we do not hope that the right things will fall into place all the time. God gave us the freedom of choice to choose between good and evil and we must be able to make those choices. Granted, God wants us to pray. He wants us to seek his guidance in every way; both Jew and non-jew to seek him, to love him and to put him in our lives. But to think that certain prayers are answered and therefore Jesus is in your life and then if certain prayers aren't answered does that mean Jesus isn't your life isn't the issue - because life deals three blows: yes no and maybe. And that doesn't necessarily mean always that Jesuanswers your prayers."

What Julius was saying is that turning to God in prayer gives you the clarity and courage to make the right choices in life. 

Before we explore real world examples where this played out I want to share the story of a fictional character, Maritza Cruz, in the TV show "Third Watch." This show portrays the lives of NY cops, paramedics and firefights who worked out of a station on the corner of King and Arthur. Seargent Cruz, as she was referred, was small and petite but as fierce as they come. She never shied away from a fight and refused to ever be seen as weak or vulnerable.

During her training in the police academy, if they wanted her to climb a 50 foot wall she practiced until she could climb one double the size. She failed to save her sister from addiction and instead she overdosed in her arms. Undeterred she crossed rooftops, went undercover and made a deal with the devil to bring the dealers to justice. Another time her entire team blew up in front of her in an ambush, she survived because her officer jumped on top of her seconds before the explosion. Before the day was done she uncovered the identity of the mastermind and singlehandedly confronted him and cuffed him in his own penthouse. 

Maritza was a force of nature and refused to compromise on her singlehanded quest to protect the innocent and rid the world of evil. Her only rule was that she could never ever be seen as weak or vulnerable. When she was assaulted posing as a prostitute undercover she had to be dragged to the hospital for witness collection and tried every possible recourse to bring the assailant to justice without having to reveal herself as the victim. When the truth did come out she insisted that her colleagues and subordinates not treat her any different and refused any gesture of sympathy.

If a witness refused to give up the identity and location of a shooter she threatened to plant drugs on him  and he knew it wasn't an empty threat. There was no barrier she couldn't level and no ethical line that she wasn't willing to cross. She was your perfect antihero. 

Until the day she came face to face with an obstacle she could tackle on her own: leukemia. She threw the test results into the river and just cried as she stared over the railing at the water. Her doctor tried to convince her to start chemo and was perplexed at her refusal. Her gums were bleeding so badly she had to miss a stakeout. A prisoner she was interrogating called her out on it. "That's nasty, he said, when he saw blood pouring out of her mouth. Again, she brushed away tears as she drove away, noticing simple scenes of every day life happening around her: a mom crossing the street with her child, a young couple greeting each other. There was a medication that could give her the chance to live so she too could have the opportunity for these experiences but she wouldn't take it. She would not and could not ever risk being weak or vulnerable. 

In a subsequent episode she meets a Santeria pastor. She tells him how she saw women being hurt and mistreated and despised them for turning to prayer and waiting for help that never came. Prayer stood against her entire life trajectory; she became a cop so she would be the solution and provide the protection that these women were lacking. 

"These women lit a candle and that is what brought you into their lives, to help them. Maybe you came along as an answer to their prayers." Through conversation and encouragement the pastor introduced her to God and to the healing nature of prayer. The next day she revealed to a fellow officer that she chose to get help and would soon be starting chemotherapy. Faith in God and turning to him gave her the courage to face her deepest fear; it gave her the strength to allow herself to become weak and vulnerable. 

Back to the world of reality, real people in the here and now. Prayer is what sustains people of faith through happy times and the large and small challenges of life. Choosing a career, standing up for one's principles, navigating college and higher education, getting married and raising children all require resilience an determination. Pro-life activists are a testament to the supernatural power of prayer. They faced a congress that was uninterested in taking up this issue on both sides of the aisle and a precedent in the Supreme Court. Reversing course on the cultural and legal attitudes towards abortion seemed impossible. Yet year by year the pro-life March became larger and larger as more voices joined in prayer once a year in D.C. proclaiming the truth about life in the womb. Groups such as "forty days of prayer" galvanized activists in the movement until the fateful day that a Supreme Court decision was overturned without a shot being fired. This is in contrast to the Dredd Scott decision on slavery that was repealed only after a bloody civil war. Today, according to some polls, the number of Americans who identify as pro-life is on the rise. Prayer shifted an entire society and political landscape. 

Psalms, daily devotionals, formulaic supplications for various moments and spontaneous utterances in quiet or out loud are some of the ways through with human beings reach out to God in happy times and darker times in history. The experience of Jews during the Holocaust is a testament to the ability of Human Beings to be uplifted through prayer in even the most horrifying circumstances. When all of their humanity was stripped of them, standing naked and with shaven heads, they held onto their dignity.

 In 1939, just before the Nazi invasion, Rabbi Wasserman returned to Poland to be with his students and he was ultimately murdered by the Nazis in the Holocaust. He led his students in prayer and together they faced certain death with the words "Shema Yisrael" on their lips. The courage to choose to leave the safety of America and return to a war zone is only possible knowing there is a God above who held his hand up until his last breath. Prayer transformed Rabbi Wasserman, his students and so many Jews across generations from victims into martyrs. 

But facing death with bravery is one thing. The greater mystery to me are the people who rebuilt after everything precious had been stolen from them.  One of the greatest examples is the story of the Klausenburger Rebbe, Rabbi Yekusiel Yehuda Halberstam. After losing his wife and eleven children he rebuilt a Hassidic dynasty in America and Israel, established a hospital the Laniado Hospital in Netanya and established numerous other institutions for Holocaust survivors and the Jewish community. What is most mystifying of all his post-war accomplishments is that he had the courage to remarry and have seven more children. I was so enamored by his story that I traveled to Netanya several years ago for the express purpose of visiting the hospital that was built by this giant of a person. 

Prayer was so integral to his existence that when he met with General Eisenhower in the Feldafing DP camp in 1945 all he asked for was a Jeep for his use in helping others and sets of the "Daled Minim" (four species) so he could make the blessings with them during the upcoming Sukkot holiday. Back when he was a prisoner in the concentration  camp he was shot in his arm. He knew that he could not go to the infirmary for care - it was not a health care facility it was a factory of death. As he tended to the wound he cried out to God and made a bargain: if I survive this hellhole I will immigrate to Israel and I will establish a hospital that will defy that Nazi ideology of death and destruction as it will be a medical facility based on Godly values of the worth and dignity of the person. Fueled by the memory of this prayer he turned down the convenience and comfort of a life in NY and continued on to Israel, a then unestablished third world country. He pushed passed bureaucratic hurdles, lack of funding and numerous other obstacles. Today Laniado is a premiere destination for birth and other medical procedures nationwide and Klausenburg has become a name that is recognized worldwide.  

I have experienced and directly witnessed this power in my own life. When my son was four years old I left him due to a mental illness. I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. Actually, it was many hospitalizations over that summer followed by a year of outpatient care that failed to help me. Eventually I deteriorated so much I fell into a deep depression, went into isolation and completely disconnected from the world for many years. As I was emerging from the depression (around eight years ago) I started to reach out and reconnect with my sisters, but I did not feel I was deserving of a relationship with my son. I had abandoned him. I wondered if he would even want to have a relationship with me anymore. My aunt who was raising him heard that I was in touch with my sisters but was avoiding communication with her or my son. She called me one day to let me know that if this was something I was willing to do she would support it. 

"Dina," she said. "Your son's Rebbe (teacher) told me that every day he asks his classmate to pray to God for his Mom to have a full recovery. He still misses you and is waiting for you." And that is how I knew and was encouraged to try to be a Mom again. For years since then we have had so many meaningful interactions and opportunities of love and connection which would never have come to be but for the power of prayer. 

But prayer is not just about passive acceptance limited to words and thoughts. Throughout the month of Elul we blow the shofar to inspire us to turn to God. Every Friday night women light Shabbat candles creating the unique opportunity for women to ask for blessings to fill their home. Jewish men put on Tefilin in the morning, leather boxes and straps wrapped around their hands and forehead. Several organizations and activists work tirelessly to procure and deliver these crucial articles of religious observance to soldiers in the IDF. The Bible states that this Mitzva is the greatest protection against one's enemies in war. Rabbi Breitowitz shared that many soldiers are embracing a full life of oberservance showing that God has an ironic sense of humor. Relgious factions in Israel fight feircely against the draft as they are worried that Yeshiva students will be led astray Torah observance and instead the army is possibly becoming the greatest influence to bring secular Jews to Teshuva. Such is the transformative power of prayer not just on the world stage to influence history and politics but even to change hearts and minds and radically alter an individual person's life. 


Wednesday, September 15, 2021

The Chirp Season 3 Emunah





 פרק ראשון

פרק שני

ד"ר שרוידר - מדע ואמונה בסימביוסיס: בוגר MIT ומרצה באש התורה

פרק שלישי

פרק רביעי

  • אנכי אנכי הוא מנחמכם



פרק חמישי

חזרה על נושא מפרק קודם - 7 דנחמתא.

  1. מרטונה - לקרוא את המשל מבפנים שוש אשיש בה' 




  2. מהאתר של הידברות ומציטוטים לעבור על הנמשל לפי מילים מהנביא של כל ה 7 דנחמתאתקציר 7 דנחמתא - הידברות
  3. מדרש "אין אנו ממתינים" השמעת השיר ספריה - מדרש ילקוט שמעוני 

  4. מה נאוו

  5. פרשת האזינו: תשמעו. שורש א.ז.נ. - משמעותו איזון וגם שמיעה. מקביל לביולוגיה. אוזן הפנימי וכן עצב הראש השמיני אחראי על איזון וגם שמיעה.










פרק שישי
  1. השמעת שיר יברכך ה - המשך הרחבה נושא "ממלחת כוהנים וגוי קדוש" 

  2. קשר אישי לשם "ישעיהו" -גיס תרם כליה: קרא בנו על שם רב הבר, מיסד ארגון מתנת חיים שנפטר מקרונה.
פרק שביעי


שיעור הרב ברייטוביץ
* אימה של יום הדין: ראש השנה נכתב, יום כיפור נחתם, תפילת נתנה תוקף.
* אלול: אני לדודי, וכו'
* זמן אהבה, נאמנות, התחברות "ימי רצון ורחמים" 40 שנה משה בשמיים לאחר שבירת הלוחות הינם ראש חודש אלול עד יום כיפור
*בדור שלנו חשוב להבין עומק ימי הדין אבל בקונטסט אני לדודי - חולשה למוסר חריף
* ספרות אמרקאית קדמית יונתן אדוורדס - כומר נוצרי - הרצה והורה לבני קהילתי שהם מדמים כחרק ביד אלוקים שהוא נגאל מהם והולך למעוך אותם ברגע מרוב שנגעל - לא כך חזל - שדימו ימי דין לימי רצון. 
* חומש דברים "ומל ה אלוקיך את לבבך ואת לבב זרעך" (הוספה שלי - יש סוג ניתוח שחייבים לחתוך ולהסיר שריר מיותר כדי שהלב יפעל טוב יותר)
* ערלת הלב  - יש חסימה ולכן אין קשר אוטמתי לאלוקים ולמצצות - בחודש אלול אפשר להפר את המחסומים האלו כדי ליצור קשר אמיתי וחיים אמיתים ואינטרגטיים של תורה. 
* לעיתים מסחפים לפרטים ודיוקים - החשובים - של המצוות, ושוכחים את המטרה שהוא קשר עם אלוקים. 
* מאבדים חזיון של היעד ומפה איך לנווט אליה
* עיר מקלט - הורג בשוגג manslaughter/reckless homicide  נשאר שם עד שכהן הגדול נפטר.  "אשר לא צדה, אלוקים אנה לידו ושמתי לך מקום אשר ינוס שמה" 
* ביטול זמן זה סוג מזערי של הרג או התאבדות - (מתנה של חיים זה זמן לחיות בעולם היצירה) - אלול זה עיר מקלט רוחני, להימלט שם מחטאים. זה לא רק להגן על הרוצח מקרוב משפחה של הנהרג, אפילו מי שעשיר עם יכולת ביטוח פרטי - זה כפרה. 
(סיכום: אלול זה אהבה ונאמנות, פתיחת סתימות בלב, זמן השתפקות וכפרה - שלושתם מסרים חיוביים ומעלה השראה)

ספר החינוך - חסד אלוקים זמן חיפוש עצמי כל שנה - איך היה אפשר לתקן 10 שנים של טעויות? פעם בשנה זה דבר שאפשר לעמוד בו.

* ראה נתתי לפניכם - יחיד ואחר כך רבים. כלי יקר אומר שזה רמז - כל ישראל ערבים זה לזה. הבחירות שלי: מצוות ועבירות, עושה השםעה על כל אחד בקהילה, וגם אני אחראי לא רק על המצוות שלי אלה של כל יהודי. 
משל "אם אני רוצה ללכת לעזאזל זה העסק שלי" אבל זה כמו אחד שעושה חור ברצפה בחדר שלו באניה - מים שנכנס לחדרו הפרטי יטבא את כל האניה. 

* הפטרה הותקנה בזמן גלות יון, יש מגוון מנהגים מפני שבתלמוד לא נקבעה בצורה מוחלטת - יש אפשרות לכל קהילה לבחור - רק בדברים מועטים ואחד מהם שחייב להיות 3 שבועות של נביא פורענות מספר ישעיהו ולאחר מכן 7 שבועות של נחמה - ואחריו תשובה. זה סדר הפוך מאשר בחומש ובתפילה: אין ישראל נגאלים אלה בתשובה - תמיד ישועה אחרי תשובה. 

 (הוספה - נוצרים טוענים שהיודים מחבאים פרק בישעיהו - כי זה לא בהפטרה אבל גלות יון הייתה כמאתיים שנה לפני חייו של ישו שהיה בזמן שליטה הרומאית בישראל). 

* למה יש חזרתיות רבה בנביא ישעיהו - במיוחד 7 נביאות של נחמה? מלבים אומר שכל מילה במילים נרדפות שי משמעות אחר. 
ויש חזל שאומרים: כפל הדבר במילים שונות. יש חשיבות לחזור על הדברים החשובים - כהורים שמרגיעים ילד שנאבד בקניון. 
אדם שבור שמרגיש שעזבו אותו - רחוק הלב מהמוח - שמעו, יודעים שאלוקים אוהב אותם אבל חייבים לחזור על הדברים עוד ועוד שיחדור ללב. 

מי שמרגיש שהאלוקים הזניח אותו - אין לו כוחות לתשובה, קודם חייב לדעת שהוא אהוב לבורא ואז אפשר לחזור בתשובה. מבחינה פסיכולוגי חייבים נביאים של נחמה לפני נביאים של תשובה. 

no person gets better unless they understand that they are already good

i have to have an awareness of my redemtability as a precondition to repentance

שלשלת הדודות 
רבי יהודה הנשיא 135 -217 
רב סעדיה גאון: רב סעדיה בן יוסף אלפיומי גאון (יולי 882 ד'תרמ"ב – 21 במאי 942 כ"ו באייר ד'תש"ב)
ספר האמונות והדעות


רבי יהודה הלוי  1141- 1075 (יש אומרים תאריך לידתו 1086)
קוזרי, יונה מצאה, ליבי במזרח

לִבִּי בְמִזְרָח וְאָנֹכִי בְּסוֹף מַעֲרָב / אֵיךְ אֶטְעֲמָה אֵת אֲשֶׁר אֹכַל וְאֵיךְ יֶעֱרָב
אֵיכָה אֲשַׁלֵּם נְדָרַי וֶאֱסָרַי, בְּעוֹד / צִיּוֹן בְּחֶבֶל אֱדוֹם וַאֲנִי בְּכֶבֶל עֲרָב
יֵקַל בְּעֵינַי עֲזֹב כָּל טוּב סְפָרַד, כְּמוֹ / יֵקַר בְּעֵינַי רְאוֹת עַפְרוֹת דְּבִיר נֶחֱרָב.

רמב"ם 1138-1204
יש שאומרים שהוא מצאצאיו של רבי יהודה הנשיא - עורך המשנה
13 עקרי אמונה
משנה תורה
מורה נבוכים


יוסף קרו 1488- 1575
משה איסרליס 1530-1572


Galileo Galilei
Astronomer



גליליו 1564- 1642
Newton 1643 -1727
דרווין 1809-1882
איינשטיין 1879-1955

רבי יהודה הלוי כתב גם "ליבי במזרח"
"יונה מצאה"

ולחזק נושא ותירות היהדות
רבי יוסף קרו ורבי משה איסרליס - ספרים הכי בסיסיים בנושא הלכה - חיי יום יום כיהודי. 
תעלי השאלה שזה פודקסט אמונה, ככה אני אענה שזה במיקוד קשר לשלשלת הדורות. 

שיבינו

ואז חזרה לישעיהו:

שזה ספר מחזק, היה כומר נוצרי מפורסם שכל הזמן בהרצאות אמר "אתם כחרקים לפני אלוקים"
לא כך דעת התורה. 

רק מתחזקים כשמאמינים שאנחנו טובים בעיני אלוקים. 

תשובה רק אפשרי כשאני מאמין בכוח שלי לטוב. 

דבר אחרון, שהתחלנו ישעיהו בקיץ שאז קוראים מספר זה בבית כנסת, אחרי ט באב על חיזוק ביאת משיח, אבל נורא רציתי שנה שעברה או השנה לדבר על זה בפרשת נוח, כי גם אז קוראים נביא ישעיהו 
"כי מי נוח היא לי"

כמה אלוקים אוהב אותנו. 

יש גם מבע "ויבואו לנוגה זרחך"
התחברתי חמילה זו שפתחתי ארגון חסד בשם מרפא נוגה. 

סיכום סיימנו נושא אמונה.

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Musings of a Mother - Yeshiva Days

 

U.S. Education Secretary Visits
Yeshiva Darchei Torah,
Making History 

מסע דתי אל מסורת יהודית

 נדחה על ידי שליחי האל:

מה גרם לי לחקור את הנצרות וכיצד המסע הזה עזר לי לגלות מחדש את אמונתי היהודית.



משמעות והסבר לכותרת.

"אן גרהם לוץ", בתו של בילי גרהם, אוונגליסט נוצרי מפורסם, כתבה ספר שכותרתו "נפגעתי על ידי שליחי אלוהים". בספר היא מפרטת את חוויית הדחייה שלה על ידי הכנסייה שלה והשפלתה בפומבי מול כל בני הקהילה להם הקדישה את חייה. אן שיתפה את החוויית שלה כששהתה בגלות רוחנית מהכנסייה ואיך לבסוף היא מצאה את הדרך חזרה לכנסייה, אמנם בקהילה חדשה, שבה הצליחה למצוא את מקומה. היא מספרת על נסיונות החוויה הזו - להיות "מאמין בגולה" - שזו כולל את האתגר לבחור במחילה. היא חולקת את הקושי להבין כיצד "מאמינים", כלומר, נוצרים כמוה - יכולים לנהוג באכזריות כזו. 

סיפורה הוא עדות לכוחה של רוח האדם לחיות עם דיכוטומיה וחוסר וודאות. צפיתי בראיון בו היא שיתפה את תחושתה ודנה בספר והרגשתי מאוד מחוברת לכותרת, במיוחד לתחושת הבלבול.  הרגשתי שהכותרת שהיא בחרה בה, כמעט אוקסימורון, היא הביטוי המושלם לחוויה שגם אני הזדהיתי איתה.


הרהורים אישיים.

 לאחרונה קיימתי שיחה שנויה במחלוקת עם אישה דתייה בירושלים על מידת הערך של היחיד. במהלך השיחה היא ציטטה מדרשים ומשניות כדי להצדיק את אמונותיה: היא הצהירה, באופן נחרץ, שתלמיד ישיבה (אדם העוסק אך ורק בלימוד תורה) אהוב יותר על האלוהים ויש לו יותר שווי מהותי מאשר פועל נאמן. כאשר התמודדה עם התוצאה המסוכנת שעלולה לנבוע מתפיסת עולמה היא ניסתה לבטל את המטרדים הללו כטריוויאליים ולטייח את התרחישים האמיתיים המעידים על כך; כולל הדוגמאות שסיפרתי מחיי שבהן נעשה שימוש באידיאולוגיה זו כדי לפגוע בי ולגרום לי כאב גדול. 


השתלשלות הארועים.

 מגיל צעיר מאוד חשתי שאני שווה פחות מאחרים בגלל הרקע שלי: המשפחה שלי ומאפיינים אחרים שאין לי שליטה עליהם. 

הסתכלות מעוותת זאת נוצרה לי מכיון שעברתי לארץ חדשה בגיל ההתבגרות. התחנכתי בקהילות דתיות שונות שניבדלות מאוד זו מזו מבחינה מנטלית והשקפתית.

האתגר להסתגל שוב ושוב למנטליות חדשה גרם לי לתחושת חוסר שייכות לקהילה היהודית. כל מיני התנהגויות קיצוניות שנתקלתי בהם ותפיסת עולם שנובעת מהם נחוו אצלי כמציאות היחידה שקיימת וכדת וחוק בישראל.

במהלך שנות העשרה שלי  היה נראה שגדלתי להיות נערה ואישה  צעירה עם כמיהה עמוקה לרוחניות ונחישות לחיות את חיי במסירות  לעבודת האלוהים. במבט לאחור כמיהה זו לרוחניות לא נבעה ממקום פנימי או ממקור של התעוררות אוטנתית; לא חוויתי התפתחות רגשית בריאה וטבעית.

למעשה מה שחוויתי הוא תחושה חוזרת ונשנית של פחד עמוק - פחד להיות בלתי ראוייה. יש שיקראו לזה שטיפת מוח. 

אט אט רכשתי תפיסת עולם בה הטשטשו הקווים המבדילים בין משפט האלוקים לבין משפטה של החברה. בתוך תוכי ידעתי שאם לא אצליח לעמוד בקריטריונים ובנורמות שקבעה החברה יהיו לכך השלכות קטסטרופליות. וכך יצאתי למשימת חיי לברוח מכאב זה; כאב של כישלון בלתי נמנע משום שמרוץ הבריחה יוצר כאב ופחד בפני עצמו. בנוסף לכך, בלתי אפשרי היה לעמוד בסטנדרטים הבלתי מציאותיים, כך שנועדתי לכישלון כבר על קו הזינוק. מי יודע אם לא בגלל זה אני מתעוררת פעמים רבות בבוקר בתחושה כאילו דרסה אותי משאית.

נאמר לי, ובין השורות קלטתי, שחברותי לכיתה ושכני טובים ממני, ובהחלט טובים יותר ממשפחתי. התקווה היחידה שהייתה לי לטפס למעלה ולהצדיק את קיומי הייתה לחקות אותם.

המסר היה ברור - אסור שתיהיה לך דעה עצמאית, אין לך כל ערך בפני עצמך, ומהותך נובעת מאיתנו. אלוהים עצמו

מתעב אותך, ורק אנו מהווים את התקווה היחידה לחיות ולהינצל מהגרדום.









Rejected by God's People:

What gravitated me to explore Christianity and how this journey helped me rediscover and reclaim my Jewish Faith.




Introduction. I'd love for this to be a clear cut and cohesive manifesto; that's my standard as an author, and will serve my general goal of effective writing - that my words will be read. It is my fervent hope that many individuals will be inspired and that this memo will bring about a positive influence to the world at large. More specifically, clear articulation of my thoughts will actualize the intention that my experiences and the perspective I gleaned from them make an impact. Yet, I have been developing these ideas for a while now, and because the topic is so personal and nuanced, I feel that in this instance I need to follow where my heart leads me.




Origins of the title. Ann Graham Lotz, the daughter of a famous Chistian-Evangelist, wrote a book titled, "Wounded by God's People." In the book, she details her experience of being rejected by her Church and publicly humiliated in front of all the parishioners to whom she had dedicated her life. Ann shared the experience of practicing her faith in exile and finding her way back to a Church in which she could find her place. As she relates the trials of this experience - including the challenge to choose forgiveness- she shares the difficulty to come to understand how “believers” - fellow Christians - could act with such cruelty. Witnessing this inconsistency first hand and maintaining her faith in God through it all is a testament to the power of the human spirit to live with dichotomy and uncertainty. I watched an interview in which she shared her journey and discussed the book. I felt very connected to the title, especially how it captured the confusion of such an experience - almost an oxymoron - yet the perfect phrase to characterize an experience that I too identified with.




Personal Reflections. I recently had a somewhat contentious conversation about the measure of an individual's worth with a religious woman in Jerusalem during which she quoted midrashim and mishnayot to justify her beliefs: She stated, quite emphatically, that a Torah scholar is more beloved by God and has greater intrinsic worth than an honest laborer. When confronted with the poisonous logical conclusion to her worldview she tried to dismiss these annoyances as trivialities and whitewash the very real scenarios that testify to such; specifically, the examples I related in my life where this ideology was used to harm me and inflict upon me great pain. Perhaps I brought up the topic during the conversation to find resolution for resentment I am holding onto. Initially, I told myself that the conversation itself is what agitated old wounds and caused forgotten pain to reassert itself.




Here’s the backstory. From a very young age I was taught that I was worth less than others due to my background, my family, and other characteristics of which I had no control. I moved to a new country as a preteen and moved through various orthodox communities that differed greatly from one another with regard to mentality and hashkafa (philosophy and perspective.) Throughout my teenage years it appeared to me that I slowly and confidently blossomed into a righteous young woman with a deep yearning for spirituality and above all a determination and commitment to live a life of devotion to God. Looking back, I was not inspired and I did not experience natural growth or a healthy emotional development. Rather, I was instilled with a deep fear of being inadequate. Some would go so far as to say I was being brainwashed. I took the bait hook line and sinker. Purposefully left uneducated and naive, the lines had become blurred between the judgement of God vs. the judgement of others. All I knew, on a gut level and with a strong visceral sense, was that if I failed to measure up there would be catastrophic consequences. And so I set about my life's mission to escape that pain, inevitable though that was, because the running, the fear, and the unrealistic standards were inescapable and already at the starting line I was outrun and overrun. Perhaps that's why until this day I wake up every morning with the sensation that every inch of my body has been wrung on a rack and hit by a truck. Yet I digress. On a simple level, I was told that my classmates and neighbors were better than me, definitely better than my family, and any hope I had of rising from the gutter was to imitate them. The message was clear - you are not allowed to have an independent voice and you have no inherent worth. God himself despises you. We, an unnamed, unfaced collection of superiors, are your only hope for redemption.




Inevitable Conclusions. It took many years, but I finally left orthodox Judaism altogether. I no longer live with a noose around my neck. I broke free. Back to my shocking encounter: In a follow-up conversation she did attempt to provide nuance and apologized for the offense I took. I thanked her for the apology, for her honesty, and for the clarity and reminder of the catalyst and reason for which I left orthodox Judaism in the first place. I had come to a point in which I literally ran out of energy to keep running from the condemnation. I fell into a deep depression and after fighting it off for many months I lost the battle and succumbed to fool insanity. The square box that had been drawn for me had become so small, there was no space left inside. By this time I had begun to experience chest pains and felt I couldn't breathe. I was petrified to leave the house or come face to face with anyone, and when I did step outdoors I felt an excruciating sense of doom and dread - a feeling mirrored in every muscle, organ and bone in my body. The perception of worth-lessnes defined every aspect of who I had become. I rejected my friends, I refused to talk to family members, and finally, when I hit rock bottom, I abandoned my son. The pain of existence had become greater than my love for my child. Every time I thought of him: the joy of giving to him, the longing to provide for him, the yearning he had for me to return to him - all these feelings just caused the knife stabbed in my heart to be thrust deeper. I was damaged goods; the unshaken prediction of my inevitable failure convinced me that I had failed him as well and I couldn't bear to see his precious smile or to reciprocate when he gave me a hug. I didn't deserve to be a mother and I certainly didn't deserve his love.




Further into the Abyss. When my sister tried to reach out, I responded with negativity and a prophecy of doom. Several years later, as I was contemplating another of many many suicide attempts, it was her words, relayed to me by another sister that peirced through the armour of walls I had built to protect myself - walls that had become a crushing coffin and a living grave.

"Rachel told me that she would love if you'd move to her town in Calorado," she said. "She even suggested that you move into her house. She misses you and would love to have family nearby." (Names and places have been changed to protect identity.)

Then she added the clincher.

"You know you have options." Did she add the words “in life” or is my head filling in that gap? I don't know. What I do know is that then and there I decided to stop self-medicating various trials to reach a lethal dose of whatever drugs I could get my hands on and instead explore the possibility of a new life on Earth. New location, new social circle, new religion, new me. I boarded a bus to Jerusalem and set out to discover what Christianity had to offer.




Born Again. It turns out, Christianity had a lot to offer. So much so, that was the last time I seriously contemplated ending my life and I have been on a journey of rebirth ever since.




Wait - what? I kind of feel finished for now, I will share the rest of my story when I feel ready, if ever. For now I will just fill in some gaps in the narrative.For starters I did not convert to Christianity and I am still searching for my place on this Earth. I have discovered the capabilities within me to embark on this search and have taken the permission that I now know I will never receive from others. I took it for myself.




Travesty of the Truth. One topic that I alluded to was Torah learning as a full-time occupation; leaving the question of finances in limbo. A woman who pursues a career to support her family commits the travesty of abandoning her “post”. (In a complicated relationship of triangulation, my high school recruited me to help them expel my best friend because she participated in an all girls theatrical performance. The entire Jewish nation was at risk of extermination and annihilation if I didn't help with this task. Wink, wink. We know you secretly performed as well. You too are condemned. Keep your silence or you too risk shame and social ostracization.) College and vocational school can also lead you to hell. If you question where money will come from you are a heretic who dares falter in his faith of God; yet if you don't have a financial plan you are a lunatic who is out of touch with reality. Be on guard for the evil influence of your inferior family yet if you question the wisdom of their "advice" you are rash, impulsive, irrational, and how dare the Chutzpah! Halocha was used as a tennis racket, I was the ping-pong ball, and everyone around me learned real quick how to score a win and bring me to their side: be the bigger bully. Make me more scared of rejecting their mandate than the dictate of others. When I did reach out to a Rabbi or Rebetzin on the topic of finances, I was told, "Well you have to live within reality." Aha. So the Torah you and others taught me all these years is not in line with reality. It was crystal clear in my head. I can recall the conclusion like it was yesterday; life has offered me a lose/lose proposition. You can sacrifice your spiritual ideals or you can condemn yourself to privation. Be condemned to Hell or be condemned as a lunatic. Neither was a viable option. I couldn't trade one for the others and so I picked the next best alternative. Flail my arms and hope for a liferope to save me from this sinkhole. None came. In it's a place I was faced with an avalanche of rocks, stones and bricks. When one relative wanted to be helpful she offered this gem, "It's not your fault that you are such a misfit and an idiot. Your worldview is flawed because of how you were raised." Kind of embellished there. You get my point. (In a very religious environment in Israel.) Except when a neighbor wanted to soften her criticism of my religious flaws, of being of inferior level of piety than her “group”, she said the same thing. I experienced this bigotry in reverse during my teenage years. I could never escape it and I could never win. So I am irredeemable because I am American but also because I am Israeli. I angered God because I fervently want to please him and I also lack sufficient desire to be a true servant. How dare I complain when Jeiwsh people insult me, mislead me or condemn me - you were a bad girl and that's exactly what you deserve.




Truth Reimagined. Finally, I was told the truth by Evangelical politicians and Catholic philosophers and even Christian singers and songwriters. "You are beloved because you are a daughter of God. Your heavenly father created you, infused you with his breath and sustains your every living moment with the power of his omnipotent hand. Designed in his image you have inherent value and unbreakable dignity and worth. You are priceless and you no longer need to walk in shame." My questions made sense to them and were validated. They used logic, coherence and common sense to demonstrate the insight and guidance from the bible and I learned how God's word can be used to navigate the wonderful, magical, yet mystifying and confusing world in which we live. That fateful day in Elul תשע"ח I revisited a Messianic bookshop and then discovered Christ Church, a place where I found peace and acceptance and where eventually I met a pastor who has given me clarity and guidance and new friends who love me unconditionally and gave me the confidence, support and courage to transform my life.




Pickled Oysters and Muddy Pearls. Shortly thereafter I was introduced to the activists and staff at Yad Leachim who helped me see that these lessons and anchors were there for me all along, in Judaism - my birthright. I had been fed a pack of lies. Judaism does not teach that any Jew is born of inferior value, nor is any human being. In the orthodox community I had also been told my only path to heaven is through codependency on a husband who is a Torah scholar. If I kept Shabbos and dressed with modesty, I would merit to marry just that kind of someone. Promises that would be broken and leave me heart crushed. If I was a simple girl and was willing to clean and cook and run my parents home and never ask them for money for food, clothing or travel, this simplicity would be rewarded. And there were many more deceptive tales where that came from. I came to understand the perversions of the Torah that were used for sick and twisted goals and that I have the right to reject these charlatans. I have a right to denounce them. I have a right to choose a path of Justice and Mercy; the path of truth, and the path laid out for me by a loving God. These individuals judged me and condemned me; so yes, at this moment, I judge them too. They were wrong, they sinned, and what they did and continue to do is evil.




Truth Reemerged. Frick and Frack (Biyomin and Mordechai, my new mentors from Yad Leachim) opened my eyes to the love God has for me and to the beauty in the world in which he placed me. I don't have to walk around despondent to honor the tragedy of exile. I am free, even mandated, to live out the joy of being a chosen partner to God. To delight in the joy of fixing a broken world and participating in the creation of his artwork and masterpiece - this raw and precious evolving earth. "The purpose of the world - within the vision of Judaism- is "Moshiach", a time when we see a final completion to the process that began at the moment of creation, the final product of world perfection." This is one of the transformative ideas revealed to me by my new teachers along with a new way of thinking. They gave me permission to experience joy and lenses through which to see nuance that washed away the false and poisonous dichotomy of Righteousness vs. Reality. How had these falsehoods become so pervasive? Over time, Judaism had adopted early Christian attitudes of good vs evil, heaven vs hell, balck vs white. Through the process of understanding Christianity I was able to see that Judaism in truth advocates for balance first and foremost by acknowledging complexity and allowing for confusion and curiosity within the search for truth. In my article about Moshiach I elaborated in detail on the meaning and purpose I found for life here in Earth within this process of considering Christianity after Judaism, and the Jewish people had rejected me.




Road Less Travelled. Then, as now, I continued to read and learn from Christian sources for signposts and wisdom. It had gotten me this far, and I still have what I need to learn. The teachings of Van Hildebrand, a Catholic philosopher, had a profound impact on me with regard to understanding the self in relation to others and in relation to God, yet at this moment, it is the words of Sheriff Girgis, the disciple of his disciple, that encapsulates the circuitous journey I have just described. He shared a story of a friend who left the Catholic Church due to his sexual orientation, and when he "came out" he said it was because of a campaign called, " It Gets Better," and the message it offered: that he is wanted, that he is loved and that there are answers. Sheriff felt very sad to hear this; he believes that the Catholic Church had the answers, that if offered solutions and hope. The healing and acceptance was there all along but the truth was not shared, the message of hope was left uncommunicated and unsaid, and therein, in his opinion, lies the greatest tragedy. I don’t have to understand or give an opinion about Homosexuality vis a vi the Catholic Church or outline my perspective on either one of these issues.




Diamond Uncut. Yet I too have experienced this tragedy. I was denied the truth of my faith and left to wander and suffer in aimless desolation and despair. I am a quirky person in my own way. I think deeply and ask lots of questions. I overanalyze and I struggle to find nuance. I yearn for guidance and support, yet I cherish independent thought and the right and the agency to make my own choices. I am curious and insist on knowing everything there is to know about everything there is to know. These aspects of my personality annoyed teachers, administrators, friends, relatives, and most of all my parents. Your questions are dumb, how dare you raise them - do what you are told and shut the hell up. I suffered and waited for "It to Get Better." I traveled so far…I drove over the railing and all the way out of Judaism. The tragedy, in my opinion, is that the good news of redemption and hope was there all along. I had even heard it myself, but when it was presented to me it was so wrapped up in twisted misinterpretations that I could see the diamonds for the rubble. The good news is that my life isn't over and I still have the opportunity to find the truth, live by the truth and have the truth set me free. And it has, admittedly though, as the nature of life is the journey, I continue to struggle in the pursuit of a meaningful life and to find my place within Judaism.




Misty Rain. My friend from Christ Church introduced me to a holy Rabbi in Jerusalem, Rabbi Star. He and his family open their heart and their home to individuals from all walks of life. When I heard that a Christian was welcomed with open arms and felt the environment was hospitable even to her - a non Jew - I felt maybe it would be a place where the designated “box” where the worthy belong will be wide enough and sufficiently flexible to make room for someone like me as well. I'm not Daenerys Stormborn, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, her royal highness who, fueled by her anger and pain of the injustice done to her by the people of King's Landing, burned them all with Dragonfire. Having the option of Christianity continues to give me power to define my self worth as a Jew and to demand my place in Judaism. Their threats fall on deaf ears. If these people don't want me, I don't need them either. The anonymous "They" don't get to decide what is and isn't Judaism. They dont have the power to dictate my life choices unless I grant them that power. They cannot control me unless I allow them to. And I don't. Never again will I allow others to determine who belongs inside my faith, decide for me whether I am beloved by God or define my worth. I refuse to be reduced or diminished. Judaism is my birthright. Christians can't take that away from me and evil, arrogant fellow Jews can't either. Noone can.




"A girl is Dina Polishuk and I have come home. I am a Jewish woman, the daughter of Sarah, Rivka, Leah and Rachel. This is my fortress and you cannot scare me." (*Another Game of Thrones Reference. Paraphrasing Arya and Sansa.) If this attitude disturbs you, you can go to hell. Or not. That's your choice. For me, I found my place and I'm staying right here.




Postscript. This article was originally inspired from an interview of Kayleigh Mcanany, White House press secretary. I identified with the deep gratitude she felt towards Ravi Zacharais, a Christian apologist, who showed her that she can be both an intellectual and a Christian and doesn't have to sacrifice one for the other. Through his teachings she disocvered the tools to live in synergy with these two aspects of her identity. This made me realize the treasure I have been given, the possibility to build the rest of my life living with this same synergy and peace. I am especially grateful to Rabbi Yitzchok Breitowitz for his teachings and for the staff at Yad Leachim,the teachers at Aish Hatorah, Rabbi Star and many others who continue to teach me and allow me to find and live in my faith space. (See the article below.)




Stumbling into the Truth. Another impactful story is that of Arina Grossu, an alumnus of the Catholic University Notre Dame. On the fifth of June 2009, in a speech titled "Stumbling into the Truth." She shares the pivotal moment where she was guided back to her faith. After struggling with the postmodern influences on the Notre Dame campus, she one day blurted an off-hand comment to her orthodox Jewish professor, something to the effect of "all religions teach the same thing." "Arina," he said to her, I would rather you say that I am going to hell for being a Jew than for you to say that you and I believe the same thing." It forced her to reevaluate and say. Since then she has become a philosopher, bioethicist and lobbyist advocating for victims of sex trafficing, pro-life issues and promoting human dignity. Hearing her story, and the pain she felt for her compatriots who may not find the light or have the will to fight for what is true and God, and how this recognition inspired her to help others in their quest for truth, made me reevaluate: What does my religion teach? What beliefs do I hold dear enough that I am willing to take a stand for them? Most importantly, what did this professor, a fellow orthodox Jew, know that I did not? This encounter was a turning point for Arina and hearing her testimony was a turning point for me as well.









Crying Kayleigh. I know that the title seems to be belittling Kayleigh Mcanany however I just connected with the alliteration of the phrase. She did cry though - becoming so emotional at the word “Apologist,” so much so that she was unable to complete the word and struggled to compose herself. This made me realize how connected I feel to those who opened the door for a Biblical understanding of my role in this modern world. The defining moment of the interview was when Kayleigh stated, "I could go to oxford and didn't have to leave my christianity at the door." For me, this fear of losing my religion held me back from becoming the intellectual I was meant to be and from living my authentic self. I was held back from exploring the beauty of the world and the truth that would have guided me to discover all that life could offer. For far too long, I wasn’t allowed to be me. I am not as young as Kayleigh was when she traveled to Oxford, but I still have my whole life ahead of me; time enough to develop dreams and design the future I want to build. Hearing Kayleigh eloquently and emotionally share her journey helped me realize and recognize the gift I have been given by rabbis, friends and teachers who opened my eyes to the possibility of synergy between my mind and my heart.