Rivka's Refuge; Finding Comfort, Hope and a Pathway Forward in the Footsteps of the Imahot

This article, "Rivka's Refuge," offers a message of hope and optimism in response to rising antisemitism,  drawing inspiration from the אימהות (Imahot, matriarchs).

Author's Note: I respect that this is a long article and many of you might skim through it. Please recognize that the two main points are a message of optimism and hope in light of rising antisemitism and to advocate for enhanced education and support for frum girls in the Bais Yaakov system, particularly regarding personal development and relationships, as I outline in the section titled נידה (Nidah).     

Suggestion: Some of my readers print the article during the week and then read it on Shabbos when they are more relaxed. 

Inspiration from our Imahot (matriarchs)

     Following the loss of his mother, Sarah Imanu, Yitzchak found comfort when he saw that the ענן had returned and now hovered over the Ohel of his beloved wife, Rivka. In the wake of rising antisemitism, we too, find shelter and refuge inside God's loving embrace.

    What was this ענן  that turned an ordinary tent into a safe haven and a refuge? The Medrash  in Bereishit Rabbah 60:16 highlights the three miracles associated with Sarah's tent: the cloud of glory, the blessing in the dough, and the lamp that remained lit from Shabbat to Shabbat. These miracles are often interpreted as reflecting Sarah's righteousness and the sanctity of her home, with the cloud symbolizing divine presence and purity. 

    The Shechina continued to rest in the home of Rivka, Rochel and Leah, as they too, dutifully adhered to the Mitzvot. Our Imahot stand as symbols of femininity and virtue: Sarah had joy and intuition, Rivka was a בעלת חסד , Leah poured her out heart to God in gratitude and prayer and Rachel demonstrated modesty and compassion. Through their personal example, they taught us what it is to be a woman - a lesson we cherish in this age of relativity and moral confusion. 

• Imanu (our matriarch)
• ענן (cloud)
• Ohel (tent)
• Medrash (a form of rabbinic literature)
• Shechina (Divine Presence)
• Imahot (matriarchs)
• בעלת חסד (person of kindness)

    

    Earlier this week, I posted a picture on various social media accounts of an interactive well that I had made for my son's preschool - nearly 15 years ago - to help him and his classmates understand the story of Rivka and Eliezer in Parshat Chayei Sarah. My followers were excited to see how the Parsha could come alive in such a tangible way and I was deeply moved by the positive feedback, which exceeded my expectations. It was heartwarming to see that my belief in a loving and creative approach to Chinuch is shared by many others. The feedback that touched me the most was an email I received from the preschool director - she responded to let me know that the well is in use until this day! It was an honor to have sparked these conversations and exchanges because I believe that the joy and the innocence portrayed in this iconic image is sorely needed - now, more than ever.  

    While the eternal lessons of our Imahot offer profound comfort and guidance, the modern world presents its own stark realities that demand our attention - and a response - that is rooted in these very values. Last week, we witnessed two ominous events: an alarming electoral outcome and the meteoric rise of an avowed Neo-Nazi and Stalinist. On Tuesday, November 4th, Zohran Mamdani, self-described democratic socialist who has taken controversial stances on Israel, was elected mayor of NYC - a city that is inhabited by the largest population of Jews outside of Israel. That same week, Kevin Roberts, the president of the largest conservative think-tank, swore unconditional loyalty to Tucker Carlson after he promoted and expressed an alignment with some of the political ideals of Nick Fuentes, the most prominent antisemite in America. The results of the election and Dr. Roberts' initial public statements were disturbing - reflecting deeper systemic issues.

    Though these issues had been bubbling under the surface since "The Black Shabboss" (October 7, 2023), to see hatred of Israel and hatred of the Jewish people embraced on such a public scale was like a gut punch. A few short months ago, Charlie Kirk, צדיק אומות העולם (a righteous gentile) and a great defender of the Jewish people, was tragically taken from us. Now the enemies of civilization use his memory and his legacy to slander his friends, reignite blood libels and revive ancient stereotypes. 

       What is especially painful, is that Jewish celebrities and public figures like Bernie Sanders, Dave Smith, and Hannah Einbinder are taking stances that undermine Jewish security and pledge support to movements hostile to Israel. It is disheartening to consider the possibility that the liberal Jewish voting block might have been what tipped the scales for a candidate who refused to condemn the phrase "Globalize the Intifada." This betrayal raises serious implications for our community and leads us to question whether our fellow אידען (Jews), people we are commanded to love as our own flesh, can still be considered a part of כלל ישראל (the congregation of Israel). 

    Surrounded, we face attack from all sides; hope seems lost and we have become full of despair.  The future of humanity is in peril, and with it, the fate of the Jewish people hangs in the balance. We are in desperate need for an anchor and a pathway forward. 

    Drawing inspiration from ישעיהו הנביא I turn to you and proclaim, "נחמו, נחמו עמי." My message is simple: in the face of rising antisemitism, we find hope in the promise that hashem will protect us and redeem us in the merit of righteous Jewish women. Our sages say, "בזכות נשים צדקניות נגאלו אבותינו ממצרים ובזכות נשים אנו עתידין להיגאל." In the merit of righteous women, our ancestors were redeemed from Egypt, and in the merit of righteous women, we are destined to be redeemed.

  (מלבי"ם על שמות ט״ו:כ׳:א׳, ערוך השולחן, אורח חיים תע״ב:ט״ו, ילקוט שמעוני על נ"ך תשצ״ה:ה׳)

   As Jewish women, we recognize the the significance of the אמהות as models of righteousness and purity and their enduring strength and virtue. The parallels between the miracles in Sarah's tent and the unique Mitzvot attributed to her, emphasizes the relevance of the Torah's timeless values. By emulating the virtues of our Matriarchs, we can forge a vibrant future for the Jewish people. More broadly, we have the ability to save America and the West from the scourge of socialism through the חסד of Rivka and the מידה of הכרת הטוב that we see in Leah. As leaders in society, we ought to place an emphasis on kindness, gratitude and spiritual fortitude. In these trying times, the path forward lies in embracing our heritage and reaffirming our commitment to Torah and Mitzvot. 

     In the next section of the article I will connect themes of Jewish resilience, and contemporary challenges facing the Jewish community. Dear readers, amidst rising antisemitism, I offer you a perspective of hope.

• ישעיהו הנביא (Yeshayahu HaNavi, Isaiah the Prophet)
• נחמו, נחמו עמי (Nachamu, Nachamu Ami, Comfort, comfort my people)
• חסד (Chesed, Kindness)
• מידה (character trait)
• הכרת הטוב (gratitude)

Leading with Kindness; Winning with Gratitude      

    The story of Sedom in Parshat Va'Yeira offers a profound illustration of the destructive consequences that can happen when a society is consumed by pure self-interest and an utter lack of compassion. Sedom's sin, deeply rooted in its complete absence of hospitality and empathy rather than solely an economic system, serves as an ancient warning. It highlights the urgent need to understand how ideologies of self-interest and envy contrast sharply with the foundational principles of kindness and gratitude, which are essential for true societal flourishing. This dynamic is painfully evident in modern contexts; for example, the recent 40-day government shutdown (the longest ever in US history), particularly centered on the contentious debate between socialized medicine and free-market reforms, revealed deep-seated issues that resonate with aspects of Sedom's decay. The US healthcare industry, in particular, often appears to prioritize profit over people, with built-in structures seemingly favoring corporate interests.

    In recent decades, this focus has been linked to numerous scandals where greed and ego allegedly put patients' lives at risk. These scandals include Purdue Pharma's documented influence on regulatory bodies to push OxyContin, highly controversial accusations regarding medical practices at institutions like Texas Children's Hospital concerning gender-affirming care, and the constant battle physicians like Dr. Elizabeth Potter face against the insurance industry to ensure access to vital post-cancer reconstruction. Such breakdowns underscore how radical materialism and a society based on pure self-interest can tragically lead to internal implosion, even manifesting in extreme acts of violence, as tragically exemplified by the egregious assassination of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, a loving husband and father of two young children.

    See the end of this document for links to articles for additional information and sources regarding these tragic scandals.

    The Mishna in Pirkei Avos powerfully articulated this truth, warning that the world would collapse if it were to lose the pillar of גמילות חסדים (acts of kindness). But what does the Torah say about which economic system would be ideal and what form of government we should establish? Rabbi Breitowitz recently explained that while the Torah does not prescribe a specific governmental structure, it only outlines principles of civics and social interaction. We are thus tasked with using human reasoning and discernment to advocate for a political system that best aligns with these values. Indeed, Jews need not identify as 'communist' or 'capitalist,' rather we are characterized as ביישנים, רחמנים וגומלי חסדים (Bayshanim, Rachmanim, Gomlei Chasadim – modest, compassionate, and doers of kindness). 

    Rivka's tremendous greatness in חסד (Chesed, Kindness), demonstrated by how she drew water from the well for Eliezer and his camels, was precisely how Eliezer recognized her as a fitting bride for Yitzchak. An old-fashioned well has become the symbol of romance in the Jewish community. The story of Rivka's marriage to Yitzchak highlights the role that charity and compassion serve as the cornerstones for a stable Torah home. Kindness - and the ability to have empathy for the people around us - are the basic building blocks for a functioning society.

    Regarding these principles of Tzedaka and Chesed (Charity and Kindness), I once pondered how Judaism fundamentally differs from Marxism. Karl Marx advocated for taking money by force from the rich to give to the poor. But if in Judaism we believe that God will hold us accountable for not giving Tzedaka, then how is that not also a form of force? The distinction between external coercion (Marxism) and internal alignment towards natural consequences is a crucial point of clarification. This question gets to the heart of how Judaism views mitzvot (commandments) and human choice. The Torah’s system is not about coercion but about aligning ourselves with a divine design that reflects reality. God doesn’t 'punish' in the sense of arbitrary enforcement; rather, there are natural consequences to our actions. If we neglect tzedakah, we harm not only the recipient and the society we live in - but also our own soul, by distancing ourselves from the divine purpose of life.

    This truth regarding consequences - especially related to the dueling powers of generosity vs. stinginess - is vividly demonstrated in the remarkable existence and extraordinary success of Israel, the world's only Jewish state. The rapid development and global impact of modern Israel is often described as an undeniable miracle. While its socialist origins and current relatively free markets have played a role, its profound success cannot be solely attributed to these economic systems. The true secret to Israel's success can be found within the pages of any local Israeli phonebook, where one sees endless listings of גמ"ח (Gemach, Free loan societies). Organizations like Magen David Adom, ZAKA, Ichud Hatzala, Ezer Mitzion, and Yad Sarah are almost entirely staffed by volunteers. This spirit of generosity is abundant not only in healthcare and emergency services but permeates countless sectors of the economy, where individuals donate their time, money, and expertise to help others in need.

    However, even in societies grappling with these foundational values, internal conflicts arise. The recent controversy involving Kevin Roberts, the president of The Heritage Foundation is an example of a dilemma a leader might face when individuals within a society begin to abandon proper values of human dignity and respect. Dr. Roberts' choice to publish a video in which he seems to defend Tucker Carlson's flirtations with antisemitism has sent shockwaves throughout conservative political and media circles. The soaring debate hinges on the acceptability of inviting figures like Nick Fuentes - a disciple of Hitler, a misogynist, a racist, and an admirer of Stalin—for a softball interview.

    Daniel Di Martino, economist, political conservative activist and Venezuelan dissident, helps shed light on the internal battle taking place within the MAGA coalition. He once said, "Communism and Nazism are both an ideology that rests on sin." With that understanding, it is no surprise that Mr. Fuentes thinks that Hitler was cool and he is also a fan of Stalin. Nazism is the belief that human beings are not created in the image of God, therefore some lives are worth less than others. When one rejects the divine spark and dignity in every human being, it inevitably leads to the dehumanizing view that some, or all, have no greater value than that of a plant or an animal. Extending this idea of sin at the root of ideologies, Daniel Di Martino further argues that the fundamental sin at the root of socialism is envy. The profound antidote to envy, he contends, is gratitude. To preserve freedom and prosperity, we must cultivate gratitude: gratitude for the blessings we possess, and above all, gratitude to God.

    I have a personal story to share related to this profound insight. I recently went to Rabbi Breitowitz with my son. Given the cultural differences between us, I asked the Rov for advice on how I could be the most supportive Mom to a בחור ישיבה (a Yeshiva student). He gave me three pieces of advice, the first of which was to cultivate gratitude within myself. Many believe that to achieve more in life, one should focus on what they are missing. That, he explained, is backwards. If you want more, be grateful for what you already have, and then you will see your blessings increase as an outgrowth of that attitude.

    Leah Imanu  exemplifies this מידה of הכרת הטוב  in her actions and prayer. Leah named her son יהודה (Judah) because she said הפעם אודה את ה (HaPa'am Odeh Et Hashem, This time I will thank Hashem). So profoundly significant was Leah's public acknowledgment of her gratitude to Hashem that the identity of the entire Jewish people became subsumed under this banner; we are called Jews, יהודים (Yehudim), after Yehudah."

•  Imanu (our matriarch)
• מידה (Middah, character trait)
• הכרת הטוב (Hakarat Hatov, Gratitude)

Three core Mitzvos for a Woman:

נידה

    The Midrash itself does not explicitly state that the cloud over Sarah's tent was specifically in the merit of the mitzvah of niddah. Interpretations connecting the cloud to specific mitzvot, like niddah, are often derived from later commentaries and teachings that explore the spiritual symbolism of these miracles.

I want to take this opportunity to point out the need for חיזוק with regard to קדושה and marriage in the Jewish community. There is an urgent need for reflection and reevaluation on how puberty, intimacy, and sexuality are taught to teenagers and young women. It's essential that these topics are introduced well before marriage, allowing young women to make informed decisions about their future partners. The current system, where education often occurs too late, needs reform. כלה teachers should meet high standards, with proper certification and oversight, ensuring they can address both biological and philosophical questions. Encouraging diverse perspectives and open dialogue is vital. Initiatives like those by the Eden Center and educational programs involving mothers are steps in the right direction. These efforts should be expanded to ensure comprehensive and accurate education for all. I share more about this topic including links to learn about books, programs and initiatives that are doing tremendous and important work on this topic in my article "Ohel Sarah." 

חלה

    I want to thank Tsipora Prince Agbodjan, from the shul located at Azza Street 24, for organizing a moving Challa Bake and communal Hafrashas Challa on Wednesday, November 5th, as part of the Shabbos project. I hope to dedicate an entire article to this monumental event. I included the link here but it is a work in progress. 

My favorite Challa recipe:

My challah is a 9 cup recipe. You need to separate challah without a bracha. If you want to make a bracha, double it. Its 9 cups flour. 1 cup sugar, 1 tablespoon salt, 3 tablespoons yeast, half cup oil and 3 cups water
Doesnt have eggs in it but you need an egg to brush on top
Instant dry yeast..comes in a biggish package in the baking aisle
Canola oil
No i dont activate the yeast
Until it rises and gets bigger the books usually say an hour
180 for about 20 min but i dont time it i just watch it. It makes 6 good size challahs.

*Be careful - in Eretz Yisroel it is a חיוב דאורייתא to be מפריש חלה  so it is very serious if you forget to do the הפרשה. 

נרות שבת

  

   In the weeks leading up to his election, a group of female "Rabbis" produced a video declaring their support for Mamdani. This raised lots of criticism and was a source of contention within the Jewish community. However, I would ask what is the greater חילול ה: when a Jewish person fails to acknowledge that Hashem created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th - or when a group of Jewish voters make the case for a "democratic" socialist? Imagine the transformative power if all Jewish women, regardless of their political affiliations, would unite in the sanctity of Shabbos candle lighting. Our sages teach us this could hasten the coming of Mashiach.

I am cognizant of the timing of all these troubling developments in government and media - the week that all these tragedies befell us, was the same week as the Shabbos project. A Shabbos once a year that אידען  recommit themselves to the light of Shabbos. May we merit to see in our days the fulfillment of the promise: "אם אתם משמרים נרות של שבת אני אראה לכם נרות של ציון (If you observe the candles of Shabbat, I will show you the candles of Zion)." This phrase is often attributed to Rabbi Yisrael Salanter, a prominent leader of the Musar movement in 19th-century Lithuania. 

     

    I will leave you with the words to a song that I learned as a teenager. 

"The Candle Lighting Song"

Come, Jewish girls and women,
There's a gift waiting for you.Handed down with love from our mothers,
Sarah, Rivka, Leah, and Rochel.
Lighting candles each Friday night,
Bringing warmth and blessing, shelter and light.

Lighting up the night with our candle light,
Light up your home and the world will be bright!

Come Jewish sisters,

light your candles each Friday night.

Come, and we will together;

light our candles and watch our deepest dreams

 - coming true!

Your gift is waiting for you.

Your gift is waiting for you.

Citations for Healthcare Scandals Mentioned in the article:

 1. Purdue Pharma, Texas Children's Hospital and United Healthcare. It has been documented that Purdue Pharma faced accusations of bribery and undue influence in order to get Americans addicted to OxyContin. 

2. Texas Children's Hospital at Baylour College of Medicine were exposed by Dr. Ethan Haim to be secretly providing gender transition healthcare to children. 

3. Dr. Elizabeth Potter, a physician who specializes in post-cancer reconstruction surgery, went viral when she shared her battle against the Insurance industry to ensure access to patients who need this specialized kind of care. 

4. I want to make it abundantly clear that the assassination of Brian Thompson was evil and has no justification. 

A note on Citation 2: What happened in Texas Children's Hospital is a highly publicized and controversial claim. Dr. Haim is indeed a prominent whistleblower in this regard. The word "secretly" is appropriate here, as his claims revolved around the program continuing despite public statements otherwise.

Simmering Rage; Coming to Terms with my Dueling Emotions of Affection and Anger towards Kollel People

Before you read this story please check out the article where I share the history and ideals of the Kollel movement and a second article where I explain why the frum community has strayed from this noble ideal and where I offer suggestions for how to correct for these errors. Additionally, I ask that you read this article where I explain the goal and the purpose for sharing my story.

I want to make it clear to Jewish readers that I in no way advocate for any Hashkafa or lifestyle that is against Torah and Mitzva observant Judaism. While I am still on a journey with regard to religious observance and understanding what the Torah commands of me in my life, I consider my spiritual advisors to include Rebetzin Devorah Eisenbach from Aish Hatorah, Rabbi Yitchack Breitowitz of Or Sameach, Rabbi Eytan Kobre from Rockaway, NY, Rabbi Mordechai Machles from Maalot Dafna and my partner in Torah with whom I study the Kuzari - I will not mention her name or location to protect her privacy as she is not a public figure.

 
The opinions expressed are entirely my own, though I strive to present a worldview that is in line with the beliefs of these dear teachers and mentors. Sometimes they read my work and this makes me even more cognizant during the writing process to produce articles that I will be proud for them to see. I am grateful to these teachers and mentors for their wisdom and counsel. I also want to acknowledge and thank my son for being my "source" inside the Yeshiva system; providing me with constant updates on attitudes, insights and "hock". I am gratified to have his support for my work as a speech therapist and for my writing endeavors. I thank him for encouraging me to always write with integrity and to openly and honestly share what is on my heart.

Conflict, Consternation & Chaos

    I have great respect for people who dedicate their lives to Torah learning and Mitzva observance and I am honored to consider myself part of the larger community of orthodox Judaism. I will admit that I have a personal bias.  My dear son is a student in an elite Torah institution and I fully support the path he is on, his commitment to his Talmudic studies and his ambition to achieve great depth and breadth of Torah knowledge. This bias is why I have a positive regard for תלמידי חכמים and those who support Torah learning and Jewish education. 

    The Torah teaches us that those who dedicate their lives to Torah study are following in the footsteps of יששכר whose symbol was that of a donkey - an animal iconic for it's ability to carry a yoke. This Shevet carried the burden of preserving Torah knowledge and practice for the entire Jewish people. 

    The lineage of the Yeshiva student goes as far back as Yeshivas Shem v'Ever where our forefather Yaakov studied on his way to Charan. The more modern Yeshiva system has its roots with the illustrious Vilna Gaon and his student R' Chaim Me'Volozhin, who was also known as "Avi Hayeshivos." If there was a moment on Earth with absolutely no Torah learning the world would cease to exist. Yeshiva students and Kollel יאונגערלייט hold up the very cosmos of our existence and, it is my belief, that in the merit of Torah study Israel won the war and brought all the living hostages home on erev Simchas Torah תשפ"ו.
     Growing up in the Chareidi Bais Yaakov school system, however, I was exposed to a darker side of the Kollel ideology. You can read the full story of my experience as a teenager and young adult in the Chareidi Kollel system where I, admittedly, spotlight an unfair focus on the impact that "the modern iteration of Kollel ideology" as I call it, had on me. I acknowledge that there were many other factors that led to the suffering that I experienced; a myriad of factors led to the mistakes that I made and to the negative consequences and the mental illness that developed as a result.
    What happened, is that I was brainwashed throughout my teenage years and then coerced into a marriage as a young adult that was wrong for me. When I reached out for help, I was bullied and shamed not to leave. By the time I did leave, I was a few months pregnant and even then I had to go against the  and condemnation from family, friends and prominent Rabbis and community leaders warning me not to get a divorce. During the dating process and the traditionally short engagement, I raised many reservations and concerns - but I was persuaded and coerced into moving forward. Lacking a backbone or the knowledge of how to even think for myself I allowed myself to be swept along. I got married and after five torturous months I realized that my health and my wellbeing was in jeopardy. Now that I had a child on the way that I was responsible for I finally found the courage to do what I knew was right.

    I have been told many times that leaving a situation that was wrong for me has tremendous value regardless of what followed. I find it hard to congratulate myself considering that what followed included: abandoning my child, succumbing to depression, losing my speech therapy license, leading a dysfunctional and unproductive life for many years and countless suicide attempts.
    While I remain in doubt as to the sum virtue of my choices what is clear to me is that the brainwashing and the bullying I experienced was not just wrong- it was evil. Yes, I made some bad choices. I wasn't perfect. But the environment I was raised in and the ideology that I was taught is dangerous and unacceptable. In other articles I will address the critiques I have for the Kollel and Bais Yaakov systems and my recommendations for reform. I am sharing my story with you at this time to share my journey coming to terms with the conflicting feelings of both affection and hatred that I feel towards Kollel people.
    Considering the relentless onslaught of these ideas on my developing psyche I will be honest about how I feel when I think of an orthodox Jewish man. I experience the same emotional reaction that I heard Megyn Kelly describe when reporting on Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is a misogynist who operates a pimping website and advocates beating women and expressing pride in your manhood through engaging in the degrading subjugation of women. That is how I feel about orthodox Rabbis. I get a twist in my stomach when I think of an orthodox man.
    (These feelings have also evolved as a result of the subsequent fear mongering from Rabbis when I sought a divorce - threatening me with damnation and the burden of sin should I choose to say no to a situation that I knew so clearly to be wrong.)
    I recall when I first met my neighbors in French Hill - they are very kind people with a generous open home. I was tired of being bored and lonely on Friday nights and asked to join them. I got there before shul ended and just his nod as he said hello made my stomach twist. Despite the fear of the danger they posed to me I am glad I took that risk. Meeting them changed my life.
    Over time I became best friends with his wife. Though she is the one who hosts me for shabbat meals and is married to the Torah scholar she treats me like I am a Rebbetzin, respecting the knowledge and expertise that I can offer. Despite my limited level of religious observance and mental health issues they hired me to be their son's speech therapist. This spurred me to open a private practice and develop my skills as a competent professional. I gained confidence in the belief that I had something of value to contribute to the world.
    I also developed a relationship with a young Kollel couple the next neighborhood over. We have a connection from back home and it was just easier to develop a friendship with her based on our shared background than to develop a new social network. 

    Another Kollel family entrusted me with the safety of their preemie and gave me the privilege of taking care of him in the NICU. They needed the help what with an older daughter and the newborn twin back at home. These friendships were really painful and complicated to me - constantly fearing rejection, always on guard and suspicious of their words and their actions. Carrying with me to every interaction the awareness in the back of my head that these people disrespect me and look at me in judgement. I tried really hard to make friends through a secular organization, Hillel, but nothing stuck. So my social circle continued to be exclusively Chareidi families in Jerusalem.
    It was so painful for me to be constantly surrounded by people I loved and deeply cared about but served to me as a constant symbol of rejection. I hated everything they stood for but they were my friends and I wasn't willing to give up these friendships over ideological difference. I still join their shul on chag, yet I feel no joy in the dancing, no connection to the community and to the shared mission their celebration stands for. 

    It has no meaning for me because I feel so disconnected. What part do I have in it? My friends, my community and my own family are perpetuating a system that I have only experienced as deeply corrosive - and dare I say - anti-human.
    Intellectually I can see how my friends found a balance in the competing responsibilities and ideals but I feel forever stuck as I can't walk away but I can't wash away the raging negative emotions that shadow every interaction and thought I have with them. For a while, I disconnected from everyone. Retreated again into a depression. For a long time -once for a five year period and more recently for a time frame that lasted around a year - I went into isolation and avoided all social interaction or any sense of functionality and had many many suicide attempts. That got me nowhere.
    One situation did move the needle but I only realized it when I heard the story of Adriana/Adina, a Christian girl who converted to Judaism after working as the #non-Jewish nanny for orthodox children in Boca Raton. I realized that I had a work experience similar to hers.
I had been working in an early childhood clinic in Arnona providing speech therapy to children from diverse backgrounds. Then this one boy came and his father - with his black pants, black Kippah and starched white shirt - was the perfect embodiment of all the people who had so betrayed and hurt me all those years ago. It was painful for me to work with his child when doing so required sitting side by side with what felt to me the person who had caused me life lasting wounds. Not him, but in my heart it felt one and the same.
    What was even more jarring was the deep respect with which he treated me. Not just polite but seeking my unique insight and wisdom. How could someone who considers me an outcast and a heretic be asking me to give him guidance? From the toys he should purchase to the formation of the tongue for the production of various sounds he hung onto every word. His wife - when was able to come - was even worse. The judgement and coercion from woman had been the nail on the coffin. From the stylish wig to her sweet demeanor she seemed to be oozing contempt. So I assumed. Everything about her reminded me of this deeply ingrained feeling of rejection. Yet her actions did not match that and I constantly had this feeling like I was in some kind of "twilight zone".
    I was professional and never shared with anyone how I felt. It was such a pleasure to work with dedicated parents who not only appreciated my expertise but were partners in my efforts. To see their son flourish was a joy as a clinician and when I can see a direct result and benefit from my work not just on the child but on the entire family unit that always gave me so much satisfaction. This incongruence between the courtesy they showed to me and the wholesomeness in how they treated their child - it scattered my preconceived notions of Kollel people. I reached out to them a few years later on a different topic and they expressed to me the lasting impact I had on their child but they will never know the impact they had on my life.

    I wish I could say that I have reconciled my conflicting feelings and opinions of Kollel people. I am still consumed with anger and confusion and have begun to write a series of articles on the topic of Kollel and Bais Yaakov education in an effort to find clarity and calm. Thanks to the kindness of the Kollel people I describe in this article, and some others that didn't "make the cut," the door has been opened. It's a start, and - for now - that's enough. 

Forgiving, Letting Go & Moving On

    To say all the abuse I experienced can be summed up by one word: Kollel, well that would be it's own form of gaslighting. The people who hurt me are evil, evil monsters who hopefully one day will go to Hell and be punished and suffer the consequences for what they have done. And continue to do. To be clear, when I refer to people who hurt me as monsters, I am not talking about Rabbis and teachers who made mistakes - because we are all human and fallible. Furthermore, I am grateful to the many Rabbis and mentors who acknowledged their mistakes, apologized and have taken actions to repair the pain and the harm that their actions have caused.

    I have been encouraged to forgive those who hurt me. This is because forgiving is not for the people who hurt me but rather for me. When I don't forgive, I'm holding on to the situation that I want to forget, but instead I keep thinking and living that experience. Forgiveness would allow ME to move on, to live my life, no strings attached. I can't change the past or the people that hurt me. Find a way to let it go. Be free. Move on. That's one option and something to strive for.
    However, Judaism does not obligate me to forgive unrepentant perpetrators of abuse. Forgiving evil is being complicit with evil, and in Judaism, forgiveness must be earned. What I am obligated to as a Jewish woman, is to have moral clarity and recognize that the people who hurt me as a teenager and young adult do not represent the Torah. For me, I hope to find healing and discernment to not see these charlatans as representative of all Jewish Rabbis and teachers and to recognize that Judaism is not as how they taught me to see it. The truth and the beauty of Torah, Mitzvos and Emunah were hidden and distorted.

     I do want to get rid of the anger. It consumes me and is destroying me from the inside. I believe that the reason I cannot get rid of my anger all these years later is because my rage is righteous. What happened to me was unjust, and injustice can never be accepted, ignored or forgotten. God made all this happen to me for a reason. God has called me to serve as a lighthouse - to shine a light onto the dark and choppy waters and to save fellow travelers from the perils of their journey. My life's purpose is to highlight to the Jewish community - leaders and laypeople alike - the change that is possible and offer the inspiration that can help to create a better future for my son's generation and for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to follow. I pray that God give me the wisdom and the courage to turn my personal pain into public purpose.

Resources & Notes:

1. If you or anyone you know experienced abuse as a child I highly recommend a Amudim and a 12-step program ASCA .
2. I do not advocate for anyone to leave the Jewish community or abandon a Torah lifestyle. There is an organization that helps people who have chosen to become less observant than their parents, even if you are still somewhat religious, as i am. This organization connected me with a tutor, legal and financial advisors and a volunteer who helps me file the annual taxes for my private speech therapy practice. 
3. I also wrote an article describing some of the positive influence Rabbi Machles and his children had on my life. This article also describes Adina Shoshana's journey and conversion and how you can be a source of support and inspiration to others. 

Chochma ba'Goyim: The Wisdom and Character of the Righteous Gentile

This is an article in progress. 

• Story reading "No Mirrors in my Nanas house.
• Experience as a young child passing a church on a Sunday - great for non Jews to have a religion so society has morals. 
• Rabbi Breitowtiz regarding Catholic social teaching - articulate and email to him to verify that this aligns with the message he intended and if i can share his name behind the statement. 
• Rabbi Breitowitz regarding Yoga and meditation - ask Halacha if I can reccomend Palouse
• The Kuzari vs the Rashba regarding greek philosophy
• Evolutionary biology for the field of infectious disease
• Newtonian physics
• 
  

Concern: being isolated to the outside world or other communities can make one feel they cannot get information or wise counsel. That’s a very real feeling, and it’s important to acknowledge how isolating it can be. Judaism teaches that while we share some values with others, our covenant and mission are unique and rooted in Torah. Aligning with non-Jews on certain issues is not inherently wrong, but we must be careful not to blur the distinctiveness of our tradition or compromise on Torah principles. The challenge is to engage respectfully without losing our identity or relying on others to define our values. How do you see balancing these alliances while maintaining your Jewish commitment?

Judaism does not validate or celebrate the theological positions of other religions, including Christianity. However, we can recognize when individuals or institutions take moral stances that align with universal values, such as opposing ideologies like communism that historically sought to suppress religion and morality. Pope Leo XIII’s encyclical against communism, Rerum Novarum, addressed the dangers of materialism and the dehumanization inherent in certain economic systems, which aligns with the Torah’s emphasis on human dignity and ethical responsibility.

That said, it’s important to view such contributions through a Jewish lens. While we can appreciate the moral courage of others, we must remain grounded in our own tradition, which provides a comprehensive framework for addressing societal challenges. Judaism teaches that ethical societies are built on Torah principles, such as justice, charity, and the sanctity of human life.