Yosef’s Tears, Chanukah’s Light: A Love and Yearning that Transcend Time

Rivka's Refuge; Finding Comfort, Hope and a Pathway Forward in the Footsteps of the Imahot

This article, "Rivka's Refuge," offers a message of hope and optimism in response to rising antisemitism,  drawing inspiration from the אימהות (Imahot, matriarchs).

Author's Note: I respect that this is a long article and many of you might skim through it. Please recognize that the two main points are a message of optimism and hope in light of rising antisemitism and to advocate for enhanced education and support for frum girls in the Bais Yaakov system, particularly regarding personal development and relationships, as I outline in the section titled נידה (Nidah).     

Suggestion: Some of my readers print the article during the week and then read it on Shabbos when they are more relaxed. 

Inspiration from our Imahot (matriarchs)

     Following the loss of his mother, Sarah Imanu, Yitzchak found comfort when he saw that the ענן had returned and now hovered over the Ohel of his beloved wife, Rivka. In the wake of rising antisemitism, we too, find shelter and refuge inside God's loving embrace.

    What was this ענן  that turned an ordinary tent into a safe haven and a refuge? The Medrash  in Bereishit Rabbah 60:16 highlights the three miracles associated with Sarah's tent: the cloud of glory, the blessing in the dough, and the lamp that remained lit from Shabbat to Shabbat. These miracles are often interpreted as reflecting Sarah's righteousness and the sanctity of her home, with the cloud symbolizing divine presence and purity. 

    The Shechina continued to rest in the home of Rivka, Rochel and Leah, as they too, dutifully adhered to the Mitzvot. Our Imahot stand as symbols of femininity and virtue: Sarah had joy and intuition, Rivka was a בעלת חסד , Leah poured her out heart to God in gratitude and prayer and Rachel demonstrated modesty and compassion. Through their personal example, they taught us what it is to be a woman - a lesson we cherish in this age of relativity and moral confusion. 

• Imanu (our matriarch)
• ענן (cloud)
• Ohel (tent)
• Medrash (a form of rabbinic literature)
• Shechina (Divine Presence)
• Imahot (matriarchs)
• בעלת חסד (person of kindness)

    

    Earlier this week, I posted a picture on various social media accounts of an interactive well that I had made for my son's preschool - nearly 15 years ago - to help him and his classmates understand the story of Rivka and Eliezer in Parshat Chayei Sarah. My followers were excited to see how the Parsha could come alive in such a tangible way and I was deeply moved by the positive feedback, which exceeded my expectations. It was heartwarming to see that my belief in a loving and creative approach to Chinuch is shared by many others. The feedback that touched me the most was an email I received from the preschool director - she responded to let me know that the well is in use until this day! It was an honor to have sparked these conversations and exchanges because I believe that the joy and the innocence portrayed in this iconic image is sorely needed - now, more than ever.  

    While the eternal lessons of our Imahot offer profound comfort and guidance, the modern world presents its own stark realities that demand our attention - and a response - that is rooted in these very values. Last week, we witnessed two ominous events: an alarming electoral outcome and the meteoric rise of an avowed Neo-Nazi and Stalinist. On Tuesday, November 4th, Zohran Mamdani, self-described democratic socialist who has taken controversial stances on Israel, was elected mayor of NYC - a city that is inhabited by the largest population of Jews outside of Israel. That same week, Kevin Roberts, the president of the largest conservative think-tank, swore unconditional loyalty to Tucker Carlson after he promoted and expressed an alignment with some of the political ideals of Nick Fuentes, the most prominent antisemite in America. The results of the election and Dr. Roberts' initial public statements were disturbing - reflecting deeper systemic issues.

    Though these issues had been bubbling under the surface since "The Black Shabboss" (October 7, 2023), to see hatred of Israel and hatred of the Jewish people embraced on such a public scale was like a gut punch. A few short months ago, Charlie Kirk, צדיק אומות העולם (a righteous gentile) and a great defender of the Jewish people, was tragically taken from us. Now the enemies of civilization use his memory and his legacy to slander his friends, reignite blood libels and revive ancient stereotypes. 

       What is especially painful, is that Jewish celebrities and public figures like Bernie Sanders, Dave Smith, and Hannah Einbinder are taking stances that undermine Jewish security and pledge support to movements hostile to Israel. It is disheartening to consider the possibility that the liberal Jewish voting block might have been what tipped the scales for a candidate who refused to condemn the phrase "Globalize the Intifada." This betrayal raises serious implications for our community and leads us to question whether our fellow אידען (Jews), people we are commanded to love as our own flesh, can still be considered a part of כלל ישראל (the congregation of Israel). 

    Surrounded, we face attack from all sides; hope seems lost and we have become full of despair.  The future of humanity is in peril, and with it, the fate of the Jewish people hangs in the balance. We are in desperate need for an anchor and a pathway forward. 

    Drawing inspiration from ישעיהו הנביא I turn to you and proclaim, "נחמו, נחמו עמי." My message is simple: in the face of rising antisemitism, we find hope in the promise that hashem will protect us and redeem us in the merit of righteous Jewish women. Our sages say, "בזכות נשים צדקניות נגאלו אבותינו ממצרים ובזכות נשים אנו עתידין להיגאל." In the merit of righteous women, our ancestors were redeemed from Egypt, and in the merit of righteous women, we are destined to be redeemed.

  (מלבי"ם על שמות ט״ו:כ׳:א׳, ערוך השולחן, אורח חיים תע״ב:ט״ו, ילקוט שמעוני על נ"ך תשצ״ה:ה׳)

   As Jewish women, we recognize the the significance of the אמהות as models of righteousness and purity and their enduring strength and virtue. The parallels between the miracles in Sarah's tent and the unique Mitzvot attributed to her, emphasizes the relevance of the Torah's timeless values. By emulating the virtues of our Matriarchs, we can forge a vibrant future for the Jewish people. More broadly, we have the ability to save America and the West from the scourge of socialism through the חסד of Rivka and the מידה of הכרת הטוב that we see in Leah. As leaders in society, we ought to place an emphasis on kindness, gratitude and spiritual fortitude. In these trying times, the path forward lies in embracing our heritage and reaffirming our commitment to Torah and Mitzvot. 

     In the next section of the article I will connect themes of Jewish resilience, and contemporary challenges facing the Jewish community. Dear readers, amidst rising antisemitism, I offer you a perspective of hope.

• ישעיהו הנביא (Yeshayahu HaNavi, Isaiah the Prophet)
• נחמו, נחמו עמי (Nachamu, Nachamu Ami, Comfort, comfort my people)
• חסד (Chesed, Kindness)
• מידה (character trait)
• הכרת הטוב (gratitude)

Leading with Kindness; Winning with Gratitude      

    The story of Sedom in Parshat Va'Yeira offers a profound illustration of the destructive consequences that can happen when a society is consumed by pure self-interest and an utter lack of compassion. Sedom's sin, deeply rooted in its complete absence of hospitality and empathy rather than solely an economic system, serves as an ancient warning. It highlights the urgent need to understand how ideologies of self-interest and envy contrast sharply with the foundational principles of kindness and gratitude, which are essential for true societal flourishing. This dynamic is painfully evident in modern contexts; for example, the recent 40-day government shutdown (the longest ever in US history), particularly centered on the contentious debate between socialized medicine and free-market reforms, revealed deep-seated issues that resonate with aspects of Sedom's decay. The US healthcare industry, in particular, often appears to prioritize profit over people, with built-in structures seemingly favoring corporate interests.

    In recent decades, this focus has been linked to numerous scandals where greed and ego allegedly put patients' lives at risk. These scandals include Purdue Pharma's documented influence on regulatory bodies to push OxyContin, highly controversial accusations regarding medical practices at institutions like Texas Children's Hospital concerning gender-affirming care, and the constant battle physicians like Dr. Elizabeth Potter face against the insurance industry to ensure access to vital post-cancer reconstruction. Such breakdowns underscore how radical materialism and a society based on pure self-interest can tragically lead to internal implosion, even manifesting in extreme acts of violence, as tragically exemplified by the egregious assassination of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, a loving husband and father of two young children.

    See the end of this document for links to articles for additional information and sources regarding these tragic scandals.

    The Mishna in Pirkei Avos powerfully articulated this truth, warning that the world would collapse if it were to lose the pillar of גמילות חסדים (acts of kindness). But what does the Torah say about which economic system would be ideal and what form of government we should establish? Rabbi Breitowitz recently explained that while the Torah does not prescribe a specific governmental structure, it only outlines principles of civics and social interaction. We are thus tasked with using human reasoning and discernment to advocate for a political system that best aligns with these values. Indeed, Jews need not identify as 'communist' or 'capitalist,' rather we are characterized as ביישנים, רחמנים וגומלי חסדים (Bayshanim, Rachmanim, Gomlei Chasadim – modest, compassionate, and doers of kindness). 

    Rivka's tremendous greatness in חסד (Chesed, Kindness), demonstrated by how she drew water from the well for Eliezer and his camels, was precisely how Eliezer recognized her as a fitting bride for Yitzchak. An old-fashioned well has become the symbol of romance in the Jewish community. The story of Rivka's marriage to Yitzchak highlights the role that charity and compassion serve as the cornerstones for a stable Torah home. Kindness - and the ability to have empathy for the people around us - are the basic building blocks for a functioning society.

    Regarding these principles of Tzedaka and Chesed (Charity and Kindness), I once pondered how Judaism fundamentally differs from Marxism. Karl Marx advocated for taking money by force from the rich to give to the poor. But if in Judaism we believe that God will hold us accountable for not giving Tzedaka, then how is that not also a form of force? The distinction between external coercion (Marxism) and internal alignment towards natural consequences is a crucial point of clarification. This question gets to the heart of how Judaism views mitzvot (commandments) and human choice. The Torah’s system is not about coercion but about aligning ourselves with a divine design that reflects reality. God doesn’t 'punish' in the sense of arbitrary enforcement; rather, there are natural consequences to our actions. If we neglect tzedakah, we harm not only the recipient and the society we live in - but also our own soul, by distancing ourselves from the divine purpose of life.

    This truth regarding consequences - especially related to the dueling powers of generosity vs. stinginess - is vividly demonstrated in the remarkable existence and extraordinary success of Israel, the world's only Jewish state. The rapid development and global impact of modern Israel is often described as an undeniable miracle. While its socialist origins and current relatively free markets have played a role, its profound success cannot be solely attributed to these economic systems. The true secret to Israel's success can be found within the pages of any local Israeli phonebook, where one sees endless listings of גמ"ח (Gemach, Free loan societies). Organizations like Magen David Adom, ZAKA, Ichud Hatzala, Ezer Mitzion, and Yad Sarah are almost entirely staffed by volunteers. This spirit of generosity is abundant not only in healthcare and emergency services but permeates countless sectors of the economy, where individuals donate their time, money, and expertise to help others in need.

    However, even in societies grappling with these foundational values, internal conflicts arise. The recent controversy involving Kevin Roberts, the president of The Heritage Foundation is an example of a dilemma a leader might face when individuals within a society begin to abandon proper values of human dignity and respect. Dr. Roberts' choice to publish a video in which he seems to defend Tucker Carlson's flirtations with antisemitism has sent shockwaves throughout conservative political and media circles. The soaring debate hinges on the acceptability of inviting figures like Nick Fuentes - a disciple of Hitler, a misogynist, a racist, and an admirer of Stalin—for a softball interview.

    Daniel Di Martino, economist, political conservative activist and Venezuelan dissident, helps shed light on the internal battle taking place within the MAGA coalition. He once said, "Communism and Nazism are both an ideology that rests on sin." With that understanding, it is no surprise that Mr. Fuentes thinks that Hitler was cool and he is also a fan of Stalin. Nazism is the belief that human beings are not created in the image of God, therefore some lives are worth less than others. When one rejects the divine spark and dignity in every human being, it inevitably leads to the dehumanizing view that some, or all, have no greater value than that of a plant or an animal. Extending this idea of sin at the root of ideologies, Daniel Di Martino further argues that the fundamental sin at the root of socialism is envy. The profound antidote to envy, he contends, is gratitude. To preserve freedom and prosperity, we must cultivate gratitude: gratitude for the blessings we possess, and above all, gratitude to God.

    I have a personal story to share related to this profound insight. I recently went to Rabbi Breitowitz with my son. Given the cultural differences between us, I asked the Rov for advice on how I could be the most supportive Mom to a בחור ישיבה (a Yeshiva student). He gave me three pieces of advice, the first of which was to cultivate gratitude within myself. Many believe that to achieve more in life, one should focus on what they are missing. That, he explained, is backwards. If you want more, be grateful for what you already have, and then you will see your blessings increase as an outgrowth of that attitude.

    Leah Imanu  exemplifies this מידה of הכרת הטוב  in her actions and prayer. Leah named her son יהודה (Judah) because she said הפעם אודה את ה (HaPa'am Odeh Et Hashem, This time I will thank Hashem). So profoundly significant was Leah's public acknowledgment of her gratitude to Hashem that the identity of the entire Jewish people became subsumed under this banner; we are called Jews, יהודים (Yehudim), after Yehudah."

•  Imanu (our matriarch)
• מידה (Middah, character trait)
• הכרת הטוב (Hakarat Hatov, Gratitude)

Three core Mitzvos for a Woman:

נידה

    The Midrash itself does not explicitly state that the cloud over Sarah's tent was specifically in the merit of the mitzvah of niddah. Interpretations connecting the cloud to specific mitzvot, like niddah, are often derived from later commentaries and teachings that explore the spiritual symbolism of these miracles.

I want to take this opportunity to point out the need for חיזוק with regard to קדושה and marriage in the Jewish community. There is an urgent need for reflection and reevaluation on how puberty, intimacy, and sexuality are taught to teenagers and young women. It's essential that these topics are introduced well before marriage, allowing young women to make informed decisions about their future partners. The current system, where education often occurs too late, needs reform. כלה teachers should meet high standards, with proper certification and oversight, ensuring they can address both biological and philosophical questions. Encouraging diverse perspectives and open dialogue is vital. Initiatives like those by the Eden Center and educational programs involving mothers are steps in the right direction. These efforts should be expanded to ensure comprehensive and accurate education for all. I share more about this topic including links to learn about books, programs and initiatives that are doing tremendous and important work on this topic in my article "Ohel Sarah." 

חלה

    I want to thank Tsipora Prince Agbodjan, from the shul located at Azza Street 24, for organizing a moving Challa Bake and communal Hafrashas Challa on Wednesday, November 5th, as part of the Shabbos project. I hope to dedicate an entire article to this monumental event. I included the link here but it is a work in progress. 

My favorite Challa recipe:

My challah is a 9 cup recipe. You need to separate challah without a bracha. If you want to make a bracha, double it. Its 9 cups flour. 1 cup sugar, 1 tablespoon salt, 3 tablespoons yeast, half cup oil and 3 cups water
Doesnt have eggs in it but you need an egg to brush on top
Instant dry yeast..comes in a biggish package in the baking aisle
Canola oil
No i dont activate the yeast
Until it rises and gets bigger the books usually say an hour
180 for about 20 min but i dont time it i just watch it. It makes 6 good size challahs.

*Be careful - in Eretz Yisroel it is a חיוב דאורייתא to be מפריש חלה  so it is very serious if you forget to do the הפרשה. 

נרות שבת

  

   In the weeks leading up to his election, a group of female "Rabbis" produced a video declaring their support for Mamdani. This raised lots of criticism and was a source of contention within the Jewish community. However, I would ask what is the greater חילול ה: when a Jewish person fails to acknowledge that Hashem created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th - or when a group of Jewish voters make the case for a "democratic" socialist? Imagine the transformative power if all Jewish women, regardless of their political affiliations, would unite in the sanctity of Shabbos candle lighting. Our sages teach us this could hasten the coming of Mashiach.

I am cognizant of the timing of all these troubling developments in government and media - the week that all these tragedies befell us, was the same week as the Shabbos project. A Shabbos once a year that אידען  recommit themselves to the light of Shabbos. May we merit to see in our days the fulfillment of the promise: "אם אתם משמרים נרות של שבת אני אראה לכם נרות של ציון (If you observe the candles of Shabbat, I will show you the candles of Zion)." This phrase is often attributed to Rabbi Yisrael Salanter, a prominent leader of the Musar movement in 19th-century Lithuania. 

     

    I will leave you with the words to a song that I learned as a teenager. 

"The Candle Lighting Song"

Come, Jewish girls and women,
There's a gift waiting for you.Handed down with love from our mothers,
Sarah, Rivka, Leah, and Rochel.
Lighting candles each Friday night,
Bringing warmth and blessing, shelter and light.

Lighting up the night with our candle light,
Light up your home and the world will be bright!

Come Jewish sisters,

light your candles each Friday night.

Come, and we will together;

light our candles and watch our deepest dreams

 - coming true!

Your gift is waiting for you.

Your gift is waiting for you.

Citations for Healthcare Scandals Mentioned in the article:

 1. Purdue Pharma, Texas Children's Hospital and United Healthcare. It has been documented that Purdue Pharma faced accusations of bribery and undue influence in order to get Americans addicted to OxyContin. 

2. Texas Children's Hospital at Baylour College of Medicine were exposed by Dr. Ethan Haim to be secretly providing gender transition healthcare to children. 

3. Dr. Elizabeth Potter, a physician who specializes in post-cancer reconstruction surgery, went viral when she shared her battle against the Insurance industry to ensure access to patients who need this specialized kind of care. 

4. I want to make it abundantly clear that the assassination of Brian Thompson was evil and has no justification. 

A note on Citation 2: What happened in Texas Children's Hospital is a highly publicized and controversial claim. Dr. Haim is indeed a prominent whistleblower in this regard. The word "secretly" is appropriate here, as his claims revolved around the program continuing despite public statements otherwise.

Chochma ba'Goyim: The Wisdom and Character of the Righteous Gentile

This is an article in progress. 

• Story reading "No Mirrors in my Nanas house.
• Experience as a young child passing a church on a Sunday - great for non Jews to have a religion so society has morals. 
• Rabbi Breitowtiz regarding Catholic social teaching - articulate and email to him to verify that this aligns with the message he intended and if i can share his name behind the statement. 
• Rabbi Breitowitz regarding Yoga and meditation - ask Halacha if I can reccomend Palouse
• The Kuzari vs the Rashba regarding greek philosophy
• Evolutionary biology for the field of infectious disease
• Newtonian physics
• 
  

Concern: being isolated to the outside world or other communities can make one feel they cannot get information or wise counsel. That’s a very real feeling, and it’s important to acknowledge how isolating it can be. Judaism teaches that while we share some values with others, our covenant and mission are unique and rooted in Torah. Aligning with non-Jews on certain issues is not inherently wrong, but we must be careful not to blur the distinctiveness of our tradition or compromise on Torah principles. The challenge is to engage respectfully without losing our identity or relying on others to define our values. How do you see balancing these alliances while maintaining your Jewish commitment?

Judaism does not validate or celebrate the theological positions of other religions, including Christianity. However, we can recognize when individuals or institutions take moral stances that align with universal values, such as opposing ideologies like communism that historically sought to suppress religion and morality. Pope Leo XIII’s encyclical against communism, Rerum Novarum, addressed the dangers of materialism and the dehumanization inherent in certain economic systems, which aligns with the Torah’s emphasis on human dignity and ethical responsibility.

That said, it’s important to view such contributions through a Jewish lens. While we can appreciate the moral courage of others, we must remain grounded in our own tradition, which provides a comprehensive framework for addressing societal challenges. Judaism teaches that ethical societies are built on Torah principles, such as justice, charity, and the sanctity of human life. 

Shemini Atzeres; Celebrating the Spiritual Perfection of the Number Eight and God's Abundant Love for the Jewish People

 In this story I will share how eight years ago God saved me from depression, nihilism and suicidal ideation. What is fascinating is how the miracles that happened to me are providentially intertwined with the miracles that happened to my dear friends the Schleifer family, also on Chag Succot eight years ago.

God guided me back to Judaism through an encounter with a Christian missionary, Olive Wilson. It was through her that I was introduced to the Machlis home where I found my place in the Jewish community. My story highlights God's ironic sense of humor to use "the church" to lead me, a Jewish woman, to find my true purpose. Such is the mysterious workings of Yad Hashem. 

I am in touch with Olive to this day; she is a dear friend and I consider her from "the righteous amongst the nations." She has a great love for Israel and a deep respect for the Jewish people and would never attempt to persuade a Jew to embrace Christianity. 

As for my opinion on the matter, I want to make it clear that I believe that Christianity is idolatry (Rambam, 13 principles of faith) and I condemn Christian missionaries who target Jews for conversion. Personally, the "Jews for Jesus" type and other evangelists who use deception and manipulative tactics make my blood boil. I stand in agreement with a statement made this past Succos by Rabbi Moshe Machlis: "People who target Jews for conversion are more evil than Hamas or Hitler."  

I hope to write another article where I expand on this further. 

on simchas torah avi proclamed in the shul - my freinds a great miracle happened here on this chag 8 years ago. a baby boy with a non functioning heart survived a birs. join me in thanking hashem for his incredible love and the kindness and blessings he has shown my family. 

what miracle? actually 2 miracles happened that succot for the benefit of his precious yechial, one he only learned about years later. this miracle happened to me and you will see how my story and yechiel connects that succot of that year was a time of yad hashem and open miracles. 

Accidentally walking into a christian bookstore on Jaffa street. Gave me the idea for a character for a novel I was thinking about. Weeks later met a Jewish man when I returned to the bookstore who had also accidentlaly wandered in and he introduced me to Aish Hatorah essentials program which also helped me undertsand and recconect to Judasim. Gave me a curiosity to understand christianity for myself and as research for my book so that one day when i was condiering trying yet again to overdose my sister called and said "Dina you have options in life" that inspired me to instead see if Christianity could be a path I can take here on earth instead of leaving this world altogether via suicide. 

succos my mother encouraged me - practically pushed me out of the house - to explore churches. after close to five years of isolation and seclusion she was desperate to see me recconect with people. I met a lovely annabaptist woman and then returned on isru chag - did not want to be rude or impose on any of the tourists but i saw a woman sitting alone on a bench under the tree in the garden spacing out. i made it clear toher that i had no intension to convert and my curiosity for christianity was intelectual and for research for a book. discovered she was also a writer and she introduced me to blogger and invited me to come be her guest in ireland. year and a half later she did host me in cypress but before that we connected again in jerusalm when she returned in february. matzada and then she told me about machles  so in her next trip we went to him together. i rented a bed in a youth hostel and loved it so much i continued coming every week and several months later got my own apartment in jerusalem and have been living here ever since. 

as a project to help in my recovery i decided to get my speech therapy license in Israel and reinstate my usa license as well. this was 2 years after i met olive and while looking for a job in the field i was also looking for an apartment - took a 6 week sublease also over succot. the shabbos before succos i met abother dear friend. her 2 year old son was very energetic and he kept running into the tent the shul of the shul, i realized i recognized his moms face someone i knew of from back in ny. if her son had not been mischivous we would have never met. desperate for a long term apartment i asked everyone and anyone around the neighborhood and thats how i got the number to a real estate agent Avi Shleifer, he was not able to help me with my apartment search but told me that he often has singles in his home and so when i did sign a lease in the neighborhood over, i reached out to him for a shabbat invitation. several months later his son got approved for speech therapy through the kuppah but with covid and his son only speaking english it seemed it would be impossible to find him a therapist. luckily i had gotten my license by then, had a few months under my belt working again in the field and met them through these series of chance encounters and thus a beuatiful opportunity was born. yechiel did more for me helping me to develop as a therapist and as a person than i did for him. hashem was planting the seeds two and a half years older introducing me to christianity and to olive to get me out of depression and back into the field of speech therapy and to machles and back into the jewish community so that i would be ready to be the perfect shalioch in time for when he turned two years old. but at the same time god was laying that groundwork - that was one miracle that hashem orchestrated to help yechiel at the time that he was born. his actual survival as a newborn was also a miracle in and of itself. 

story of yechiel and his heart. 

chemical explanation to the number 8

explanation of numbers in judaism - 6 all sides of a cube, 7 the inside pnimius and 8 above nature, perfection. 

conclusion

Notes:

In choosing this title I hoped to capture both the spiritual depth of Shemini Atzeret and its connection to the number eight, which symbolizes transcendence and going beyond the natural order. Including "God's Abundant Love for the Jewish People" adds an emotional and theological dimension, emphasizing the intimate relationship between God and the Jewish people that Shemini Atzeret celebrates, which can be seen in the open miracles that happened to both me and my friends during this time of year.

the spiritual depth of Shemini Atzeret and its connection to the number eight, which symbolizes transcendence and going beyond the natural order.

Ohel Sarah; Marital Intimacy in Judaism

This article is not yet finished. 

Judaism views intimacy as a sacred and profound act within the context of marriage, emphasizing its potential for holiness and connection when approached with the proper intentions and guidelines.

The idea that a wife "guards her husband from sin" is a traditional ideal, but it never means she is responsible for his choices or failings. Each person is responsible for his choices or failings. Judaism teaches that each person is accountable for his or her own actions, and no one can blame a spouse for their immoral choices. Marriage is meant to be a partnership of mutual respect and support - not a burden placed on one spouse to "fix" the other. The boundaries and needs of each spouse are valid and must be respected. The Torah emphasizes kindness, honesty, and loyalty in marriage - not coercion or blame. 

I am calling on the Jewish community to reflect and reevaluate how puberty, intimacy and sexuality is taught to teenagers and young woman. We have many areas of concerns and hopefully many of the issues that I experienced close to two decades ago in the bais yaakov and kalla teachers systems have been resolved. Based on what I have seen there needs to be consideration and conversation on what age to teach these topics. Waiting until a month before the wedding is too late. A girl needs to know what marriage is and what it entails before she makes the most important decision in her life - deciding who she will marry. how can you choose a partner wisely when you dont know the nature of the partnership? also, there is a book circulating that i will not name that has halachic inacuracies and does not discuss the torah hashkafa or halachic guidance regarding marital sex. what is more, it is unaccetable for someone to take a 2 week course and then be considered qualified to teach such a sensitive topic. kalla teachers should meet high standards, demontrate their knowledge and skill through some sort of certification process and there must be a hierarchy system so that kalla teachers can be reported and receive guidance if they are found to be improperly presenting the halachos. in yiddishkeit we allow for questioning and encourage a broad diversity of perspectives. a kalla should have had the opportunity to hear multiple perspectives on what is a foundational topic to her life and to the home she will build, ideally before she starts dating but certainly before she walks down that aisle to the chuppa. a kalla teacher should be able to answer basic questions on biology and human anatomy as well as complex philosophical questions on the nature of intimacy and human sexuality. when a bais yaakov alumn seeks to understand the difference between forbiden premaital sex to permited sex within the bounds of a kosher marriage to say that sex in a marriage is ok because it is a mitzva is wholly inadequate. a relative of mine taught her daughter and a group of her friends a series of classes on yesod haadam including topics related to relationship and emotional and physical intimacy before they started dating so they would be informed and prepared before entering this consequential chapter in their lives. young men learn about the halachos and technicalities of sex and niddah through the gemarah and what is even more amazing is the book written by dr shloime zimmerman זה הקטן גדול יהיה that really outlines the chinuch appraoch to teaching teenage boys what to expect from themselves and their changing bodies. the book i was handed as a young girl was poorly written and did not even begin to cover the basics. one class in a language i didnt understand from a woman i did not know left me just as much in the dark - not that the class i heard half a year earlier before I moved to Israel was any more helpful. first of all, what needs to be taught is how to talk about this topic, with whom, in what contexts and how to seek additional information as needed. i was at times admonished other times ridiculed for asking my older sister for advice. friends seemed like a safe bet but that got my sister kicked out of school. i was a bookworm and reading was always fun but often left me even more confused and just as much in the dark. I strongly urge jewish leaders to produce a book for young girls to complement the amazing book written by dr zimmerman. a friend of mine who lives in a large frum community in north america said that a school near her has an amazing program. they bring the mothers in for a school wide lecture to hear community leaders and educational experts provide guidance on how to talk to their daughters about these fundamental topics. This program should be replicated everywhere. There is an amazing organization called the eden center that is leading the way in properly educating kalla teachers and ballaniyot. i support their work and encourage all jewish women to explore their website. there are many other exciting and inspiring initiatives on the topics of intimacy and kedusha but two more i would highlight are the video series by rabbi feuerman and his wife called the chosson and kalla shmuez you wish you got but didnt and the book "a woman's mitzva" by meira svirsky.

https://www.theedencenter.com/aboutus

https://www.theedencenter.com/post/treating-sexual-trauma-lessons-we-can-all-learn

A WOMAN'S MITZVAH: A Fully Sourced Guide to the Laws of Family Purity (Meira Svirsky)

Rabbi & Mrs. Feuerman; Chosson and Kallah Shmuez - for a pdf email: simchafeuerman@gmail.com

Psychology of the DAF - Customs During the Engagement

Wedding Night Trauma Psychological Insights on the Daf Yomi Yevamos 41

From Boys to Men Dr. Shloimie Zimmerman

Chapter 2:19

הלכות עונה / שאלות נוספות On the Mitzvot of Marital Intimacy and Procreation / Oral Sex מובא בתלמוד (נדרים כ, א), שאמר רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי, סחו לי מלאכי השרת: "אילמים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמנשקים על אותו מקום (שממנו האשה מתעברת)… סומים מפני מה הויין (נהיים)? מפני שמסתכלים באותו מקום". אולם בסיום הסוגיה אמרו, שזו דעת יחיד, אבל לדעת חכמים, אין בדברים הללו איסור (שם כ, ב). The Talmud relates that R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai said, “The ministering angels told me four things…. Why are people born mute? Because [their fathers] kissed the vagina…. Why are people born blind? Because [their fathers] gazed at the vagina” (Nedarim 20a). However, at the conclusion of the discussion, the Talmud states that this is a solitary opinion, whereas the Sages’ opinion is that these practices are not prohibited (ibid. 20b). יש ראשונים שמחמירים וסוברים שאסור לנשק ולהסתכל באותו מקום, אבל אין בדבר סכנה (ראב"ד). ויש ראשונים שסוברים שהדבר מותר, אבל מידת חסידות לחוש לסכנה שבזה (סמ"ק). אולם לדעת רובם המכריע של הראשונים, דעתו של רבי יוחנן בן דהבאי נדחתה והלכה כדעת חכמים שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה. ולא זו בלבד אלא שיש מהם שאומרים, שגם אין בדבר חסרון קדושה (יראים). ורבים סוברים, שאף שאין בדבר לא איסור ולא סכנה, מכל מקום מנהג צניעות וקדושה שלא לנהוג כך (רמב"ם, סמ"ק, רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). Some Rishonim are stringent, saying that cunnilingus is forbidden, as is gazing at the vagina, though there is no danger involved (Raavad). Other Rishonim say that doing so is permitted, but that it is pious to show concern for potential danger (Smak). Nevertheless, according to the vast majority of Rishonim, R. Yoḥanan b. Dahavai’s opinion is rejected, and the halakha follows the Sages, who maintain that doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous. Some of those Rishonim even maintain that there is no less holiness in doing so (Yere’im). Many, though, think that while doing so is neither prohibited nor dangerous, a holier and more modest practice is to refrain (Rambam; Smak; Rema, EH 25:2). למעשה, כיוון שדעת רוב הראשונים להקל, ובנוסף לכך גם לאוסרים האיסור מדברי חכמים בלבד, אין בדבר איסור. אמנם כיוון שלדעת רוב הראשונים מצד הצניעות והקדושה עדיף להחמיר, נכון לחוש לדעתם (רמ"א אה"ע כה, ב). אבל כאשר הדבר משמח מאוד אחד מהם, ובלא זה שמחתו פגומה, הרי ששמחת מצוות עונה גוברת, וראוי שינהגו כדעת רוב הפוסקים. ואם ירצו להחמיר, יימנעו מזה בחיבור שיכול להיות ממנו עיבור. וכאשר אחד מבני הזוג חש מזה דחייה, נכון שינהגו כדעת המחמירים. In practice, since most Rishonim are lenient, and even those who forbid it agree that the prohibition is rabbinic, it is not prohibited. However, because most Rishonim feel that modesty and holiness make it preferable to be stringent, it is proper to show concern for their opinion (Rema, EH 25:2). However, if one spouse finds it very enjoyable, and their enjoyment will be marred without it, then the joy of the mitzva of ona overrides the stringent opinions, and the couple should follow the majority of the poskim. If they wish to be stringent, they can refrain from this when there is a possibility of conception. If either spouse finds it repulsive, they should follow the stringent view. אין לאשה הגבלות ביחס לנישוק וראיית האיבר של בעלה. אמנם נכון שלא יעשו דבר שדוחה אותו או אותה. ואם דבר מסוים משמח באופן מיוחד אחד מהם, אף שהשני אינו מעוניין בו כל כך, כל זמן שאינו דוחה אותו, יש בו צד של מצווה, שכל מה שמוסיף לאהבה ולשמחת החיבור שביניהם, בכלל מצוות עונה ומצוות וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ (ויקרא יט, יח). There are no limitations on a wife seeing or kissing her husband’s penis. Still, they should not do anything that repulses either one of them. If a specific act is particularly enjoyable for one of them, then even if the other one is not so interested in it, as long as they are not repulsed, there is an element of mitzva in it, for whatever adds to the love and joy of their intimate relations is part of the mitzva of ona as well as the mitzva to “love your fellow as yourself.” https://www.sefaria.org/Peninei_Halakhah%2C_Simchat_Habayit_U'Virkhato.2.19.5?ven=Peninei_Halakhah,_English_ed._Yeshivat_Har_Bracha&lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en

How the Kollel Movement Lost its Way

 The Kollel movement began with noble intentions: preserving Torah learning during times of spiritual upheaval and cultivating leaders to guide the Jewish people. However, over time, certain factors may have contributed to it losing its way:

Expansion Beyond Its Original Scope: Kollel was initially reserved for the most elite scholars, but today, it has become a widespread expectation for many, regardless of aptitude or calling. This shift has diluted its purpose and placed undue pressure on families and communities.

Financial Strain: Supporting large numbers of full-time learners has created significant economic challenges. Communities struggle to sustain this model, and families often face financial hardship, which can lead to resentment and disillusionment.

Neglect of Broader Torah Values: Torah study is meant to refine character and foster a balanced, meaningful life. When Kollel becomes an end in itself, rather than a means to personal and communal growth, it risks losing its spiritual essence.

Cultural Pressures: In some circles, Kollel has become a status symbol, where societal expectations override individual suitability or genuine passion for Torah learning.

The solution lies in returning to the movement’s original goals: fostering Torah study as a path to spiritual growth, leadership, and balance. 

The History and Ideals of the Kollel Movement - AI Generated Article

 The History and Goals of the Kollel Movement: Europe, America, and Israel

The Kollel movement, a cornerstone of contemporary Torah study, has its roots in the Jewish communities of Europe. Its evolution reflects the challenges and aspirations of Jewish life across centuries and continents. Let’s explore its history and original goals in Europe, America, and Israel.

The Birth of Kollel in Europe

The concept of Kollel traces back to the Lithuanian Yeshiva movement, spearheaded by figures like Reb Chaim of Volozhin in the early 19th century. Reb Chaim, a student of the Vilna Gaon, believed that intensive Torah study was the antidote to the spiritual dangers posed by the Haskalah (Enlightenment) movement. His vision was to create a space where Torah could be studied full-time, without the distractions of earning a livelihood.

Original Goals: The primary aim was to preserve Torah learning as a way of life, ensuring that the Jewish people would remain spiritually anchored despite the pressures of modernity. Kollel was initially reserved for the most elite scholars, who were supported by community funds to dedicate themselves entirely to Torah study.

Challenges: In pre-war Europe, most Jews worked full-time and studied Torah in their spare hours. The Kollel model was not widespread but was seen as a necessary measure to protect Torah scholarship during a time of upheaval.

The Kollel Movement in America

After the Holocaust, the Jewish world faced the monumental task of rebuilding Torah institutions. In America, where materialism and assimilation posed significant challenges, the Kollel movement took on a new urgency.

Key Figures: Visionaries like Rabbi Aharon Kotler established institutions such as Beth Medrash Govoha in Lakewood, New Jersey, which became the prototype for American Kollels. Rabbi Kotler emphasized the importance of creating a cadre of Torah scholars who could serve as leaders and educators for the broader Jewish community.

Expansion: Unlike in Europe, where Kollel was limited to a select few, the American model expanded to include a larger number of young married men. These men were supported by stipends, allowing them to immerse themselves in Torah study for several years after marriage.

Goals: The American Kollel movement aimed to create a spiritual renaissance, ensuring that Torah learning would thrive in a land where Jewish life was often at odds with secular culture.

The Kollel Movement in Israel

In Israel, the Kollel movement took on a unique character, shaped by the country’s religious and political landscape. The establishment of the State of Israel in 1948 brought with it a renewed focus on Torah study as a means of preserving Jewish identity in a modern, secular state.

Chazon Ish’s Influence: The Chazon Ish, a leading rabbinic figure, played a pivotal role in promoting the Kollel system in Israel. He saw it as essential for rebuilding Torah scholarship after the devastation of the Holocaust.

Mass Participation: In Israel, the Kollel model expanded dramatically, with thousands of young men dedicating themselves to full-time Torah study. This was supported by government stipends and private donations, reflecting the belief that Torah study was a national priority.

Goals: The Israeli Kollel movement sought to create a society where Torah values would permeate every aspect of life. It also aimed to counterbalance the secularism of the broader Israeli culture.

Original Goals of the Kollel Movement

Across all these contexts, the original goals of the Kollel movement remained consistent:

Preservation of Torah Learning: Ensuring that Torah study would continue uninterrupted, even in the face of external challenges.

Spiritual Leadership: Training a generation of scholars who could serve as teachers, rabbis, and role models for the Jewish community.

Cultural Continuity: Strengthening Jewish identity and values in a rapidly changing world.

Conclusion

The Kollel movement has evolved significantly from its origins in Europe to its flourishing in America and Israel. While its goals have remained rooted in the preservation and promotion of Torah learning, the methods and scale have adapted to the unique challenges of each era and location. Understanding its history helps us appreciate the profound impact Kollel has had on Jewish life and the ongoing debates about its role in contemporary society.

Summary of "Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System"

Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System - powered by Aish.com Chatbot

This article is part of a three-part series exploring the ideology of the modern Kollel movement. My intention is not to reject Judaism or its values but to shine a light on the harms I’ve experienced, so community leaders can address them in alignment with Torah’s ideals of compassion, balance, and responsibility. While this piece focuses on my personal struggles, future articles will explore the system’s historical context, positive aspects, and potential reforms. I ask you to approach my words with an open mind.

A Shabbat Meal That Sparked Reflection

Several weeks ago, I attended a Shabbat meal hosted by a kind and dedicated Kollel couple. They graciously opened their home to me and a group of seminary girls. During the meal, one of the girls commented that her seminary was “brainwashing” students into adopting a Kollel lifestyle—a path she did not wish to follow. Her courage struck a chord in me, awakening a protective instinct for her and for the younger version of myself who had been led down a path of confusion and conformity.

Overcome by emotion, I launched into a critique of the Kollel lifestyle. While I tried to present both sides, my passion overwhelmed the discussion. I left the meal with regret, feeling I had squandered an opportunity for connection. This encounter, however, became the catalyst for deeper exploration of the Kollel system and its impact on individuals like me.

The Emotional Toll of My Experience

The anger and pain I carry from my upbringing within the Kollel ideology have consumed me for years. This visceral hatred clouds my ability to approach new experiences with openness or joy. I’ve realized that I can no longer avoid confronting the roots of this turmoil. Writing this article is both an act of catharsis and a call for accountability.

I acknowledge my bias, but my story is not an isolated case. The harms I’ve endured—financial pressures, social constraints, and the erosion of self-worth—are symptoms of deeper issues within the Kollel system. These are not abstract “systemic challenges”; they are real-world harms inflicted by individuals acting on an ideology they believed in.

A Critique of the Kollel Ideology

While the Kollel lifestyle aspires to noble ideals, in practice, it often leads to harm and disillusionment. For women, the system fosters an unhealthy codependence, tying their self-worth to their husband’s choices and achievements. This is not the Torah’s vision of marriage as a partnership of equals. Financial pressures and a lack of opportunity for personal growth compound the strain.

To me, the modern Kollel movement has strayed from its original purpose. It has become more about status and ego than about mutual respect, shared responsibility, or true dedication to Torah learning. When ideals—no matter how lofty—cause harm, it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry.

A Call for Reflection and Accountability

I share my story not to attack, but to illuminate. The harm I’ve endured is real, and it demands introspection from those who support and perpetuate the Kollel system. Torah values are meant to uplift and inspire, not to crush or harm. I urge community leaders, educators, and adherents to confront these realities with honesty and courage.

Looking Ahead

My hope is that this article sparks reflection and conversation. In my next piece, I will explore the historical context and positive aspects of the Kollel system, as well as suggestions for reform. For now, I ask readers to consider the ramifications of what I’ve shared and to join me in envisioning a future where Torah values guide us toward balance, compassion, and human flourishing.

Edge of The Abyss; My Personal Struggle with the Promise and the Pitfalls of the Modern Kollel Movement

In this article I share the impetus and purpose of a subsequent article I wrote in which I describe the trauma I experienced as a result of being raised within the ultra-orthodox community in Israel - most specifically the harms inflicted upon me as a result of the ideology espoused by the modern Kollel movement. My intention is not to reject Judaism or its values, but to shine a light on the dangers I’ve experienced so that community leaders can address them in a way that aligns with the Torah’s true ideals of compassion, balance, and responsibility.

I want to frame this article within the context of a series of blog posts exploring Kollel ideology and therefore ask you to see this articles as is one step in a thoughtful, multi-faceted exploration of the topic.

I plan to write a third article focusing on its positive aspects, historical context and suggestions for reform. Please see my critique as part of a broader, constructive conversation and understand that my perspective is not solely rooted in criticism but also seeks to engage with the ideals and potential of the Kollel system. While personal grievance clearly fuels me I ask you to approach my article with an open mind.

AI Summary of "Edge of the Abyss: A Personal Reflection on the Kollel System"

Several weeks ago I went to a Shabbat meal by a lovely young Kollel couple. I was invited along with four seminary girls. They came from the states to experience a year of living in Jerusalem and reinforcing the Torah values they had been taught back home. This woman - the lovely hostess - had reached out to me - a stranger - from the kindness of her heart. Her husband is a dedicated Torah scholar; having learned in his youth in an elite Torah institution he continues to dedicate himself fulltime to the pursuit of Torah knowledge. This lifestyle requires a shared commitment and partnership considering the financial and practical implications involved. Towards the ends of the meal I praised her and expressed my deep appreciation for her initiative and hospitality. I wish my actions reflected my words and the respect and admiration I felt. 

At the beginning of the Shabbat seudah one of the Seminary girls commented how her seminary has already begun to "brainwash" them into adopting a Kollel lifestyle, a path that she does not wish to follow. I was impressed by her insight and courage. I felt jealous as she had an awareness that I discovered too late. A protective motherly instinct welled up inside me not just for these impressionable sweet girls but for the little girl inside me who was led astray to a path of confusion, conformity and limitation. I launched into a passionate discussion as to the evil nature of the lofty and noble lifestyle that my hosts lead. I tried to give a fair shake to both sides and was inspired by the perspective they shared - when I let them get in a word in edgewise. 

Having let my emotions get the best of me I don't think I accomplished the goal I had intended. All I really left with was shame and regret that I ruined an amazing opportunity for friendship and community. This encounter inspired a deeper exploration of the issues, something that had been on my mind for a while and I had been putting off. This conversation is long overdue but I am certainly not approaching it by way of apology or justification. Whatever trauma I have experienced it is not my intention to dump this baggage onto others. Rather, through my personal experiences, I came to recognize certain systemic issues within the modern Kollel movement. 

These experiences became the impetus for my exploration of how this ideology impacts individuals and communities. By sharing my story, I hope to illuminate these challenges and spark a conversation about how we can address them constructively. I am not here to fix the system or offer solutions. I am here to tell my story, to give voice to the pain and anger that has consumed me, and to help others see and feel the reality of what I’ve endured. What happened to me is not an isolated incident. It is a symptom of deeper issues within the Kollel ideology that have caused harm to many others.

I am not sure that merely writing about clarifying my thoughts and expressing my emotions regarding the Kollel practice can calm the burning fire simmering inside me. This blind and visceral hatred prevents me from approaching any new experience with intentionality, openness, curiosity or even joy. It is clear that I can no longer avoid coming to terms with the roots and implications of what the Kollel movement means to me seeing how this rage consumes me. 

It is so important to me to get this right and I have been experiencing tremendous writers block grappling with the enormity of this topic. I tried to use AI for this article - it was a bizarre experience arguing theology with a robot. Rabbi Coopersmith's Alter ego was helpful in sourcing and in engaging with rigorous critique of the inconsistencies and dangers posed by this ideology. Still, I am struggling to give expression to my thoughts. Reflecting on the consequential and deeply personal implications of this article I found myself spending several minutes pondering and deliberating the wording of just the title. 

"The edge of the abyss" means being on the verge of a very dangerous, threatening, or critical situation. This can be a literal geographical chasm or a metaphorical state of crisis, such as financial ruin, despair, or extreme uncertainty. This imagery is spot on for me - being brainwashed into this misguided ideology has led me to the edge of heresy. I nearly abandoned Judaism and even stepped passed the threshold of lucidity and nihilism. I still flail about in attempt in search of a clarity that seems ever beyond my grasp. 

Before I dive in I ask that you keep an open mind to what I have to say. While I do see the Kollel in a very negative light it is my wish to impress upon the community to see these dangers as a five alarm fire and recognize that damage of this magnitude will lead to a cascade of negative consequences to the larger Jewish community. I am not here to demonize orthodox Jews or destroy the fabric of society that gives many people hope and purpose. I hope to give a fair shake to both perspectives on this topic and in doing so stay true to the pursuit of truth. I ask adherents to this worldview to keep an open mind and acknowledge the sinister underbelly that must be rooted out lest it cause even more heartache and devastation to young women like it did to me. 

I hesitated to share my opinion because I am no longer an active member of this community but stepping outside these systems perhaps gives me a clearer perspective. Sometimes, it’s easier to see the flaws and challenges in a system when you’re no longer immersed in them. So I have some to realize that even from the outside my voice matters. Raising awareness about these issues—whether through conversations, writing, or other means—can help create the transparency and accountability that’s so desperately needed. 

While researching this topic I framed the discussion by characterizing Kollel as an ideology. Therefore, in the pursuit of clarity and truth, I explored the historical origins of the Kollel practice and where it took a turn from the Torah ideals that undergird this system. However, I would not be doing it justice to confine this conversation to an academic discussion based on ideas, sources and facts because it is my experiences with this practice and the people who advocate for this lifestyle that has shaped my negative perspective on Kollel and developed a burning anger and hatred of these people. It is the long winded arc of being introduced then rejected and then coming full circle to being reembraced by Kollel people that can convey the complexity and nuance of what this worldview means to me. 

While the Kollel lifestyle aspires to noble ideals, in practice, it has often led to harm and disillusionment. Based on my experience I feel that the Kollel mindset leads to abuse and depression; a perspective that has led me to conclude that while the Kollel lifestyle appears innocent and even lofty it has lost its way. It is no longer about a shared communal project, mutual respect, a shared sense of responsibility or even about dedication to torah learning.

 

The modern iteration of the Kollel system has become about status and ego. To me it is a dark, deceptive and sinister ideology that has destroyed many young lives. When ideals—no matter how noble—lead to real-world harm it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry in its application. Torah values are meant to uplift and bring balance, not to crush or harm. If the Kollel mindset, as it’s being lived out in certain communities, is causing such damage, it’s essential to confront these realities with honesty and courage. 

My personal wish is to find peace from the inner turmoil and torment I wrestle with related to this topic. I am sharing it with the public to offer solidarity and support for others who have had similar experiences - you are not alone.  It is my fervent wish for this article to spark reflection and conversation amongst teachers, adherents, supporters and community leaders; a conversation that can create the change that can minimize these harms moving forward and develop a value system and a culture that is conducive to prosperity and human flourishing. This vision will restore the Torah to be the guide for living in this modern world that it was always meant to be. 

My aim is to do so while still respecting the ideals that Kollel life aspires to embody. The key would be to present my experience in a way that invites reflection and accountability, rather than defensiveness. The challenge to that is that my mind is so clouded on this topic by the suffering I have endured and the constant pain I live with as a result. I am being honest about the bias with which I approach this topic so that I can share my opinion with authenticity while also doing so in a way that keeps the door open for honesty and reflection from the readers who may be taken aback my harsh assessment of a way of life that they hold dear. 

When I express my critique of the Kollel movement I am often told that "there are challenges within the system." This is not about systemic challenges. It is real world harms. It is infuriating to hear the excuse and explanation that the injustice I experienced and I take deep issue with the phrase "systemic pressures". These were real people. Individuals who made deliberate choices based on an ideology they believed in. Framing is in the context of a "system" takes away the blame for the people who behaved badly and for the ideas and beliefs that guided their actions. 

What is more is that my story is unique. There are people will criticize me and say that I am an outlier and that his just happened to me. I am not a data point or a statistic. I fell between the cracks. That statement is true, but so is my story. It is a reality that cannot be ignored. The reality and the impact of the Kollel ideology on my story reveals not only the cracks in the system but also the sinister values embedded within the ideology itself. I refuse to stand silent about an ideology that has led to and allowed such a tragedy to happen.

By sharing my experience, I'm not just telling my story—I'm holding up a mirror to the ideology and the individuals who perpetuated it. Yes, people may claim it’s an isolated case, but the very fact that it happened at all demands introspection. As someone who has experienced these harms firsthand and seen the negative impact from many others as well I know that my voice is crucial in this conversation. By sharing my story I can shine a light on these harms. 

Some of these harms include the financial and social pressures and the development of an unhealthy sense of codependence that is fostered when a woman is led to believe that all her sense of self worth and value is tied to the choices and actions of her husband. This is not the intention of the Torah philosophy that sees marriage as a partnership of equals. For me to explain how I have come to such a negative conclusion on the modern Kollel movement I would have to go back to when I was a preteen when my family moved to Israel shortly before my bas mitzva and then the years I grew up as a teenager in the newly developing Ramat Beit Shemesh.  

The end result of my upbringing was to be set up for failure - to see the world with a constricted vision. I was conditioned to accept that my destiny was to live a life of compromise. When contemplating beliefs or dreams regarding a career or what mother I wanted to be - there was no path forward where I wouldn't be crossing some spoken or unspoken rule. Juggling various responsibilities to find a way to make it work, that discussion was not offered. The only option offered was to sacrifice one principle or another; committing a fatal error seemed unavoidable. The dilemma I faced was not between right and wrong it was between betraying my religious precepts or abandoning basic responsibilities that reality mandates. 

I share my story not to attack, but to illuminate. The harm I’ve endured is real, and it is not mine alone. I hope my words spark reflection, accountability, and a commitment to ensuring that Torah values uplift rather than harm. I am not here to prescribe solutions, but to demand that these harms be acknowledged and addressed by those who hold influence in the community. 

What I wish for young Jewish girls 18, 19 that I meet is that they should feel that the sky is the limit. To see the years ahead of them as full of opportunity and promise. Instead, what I was told is that my duty was to abandon my values and that any sort of ambition was immature, narcissistic and unrealistic. That is why I ask that you consider the ramifications of what happened to me and that you consider what reforms and measures must be taken so that we protect our precious sons and daughters and ensure that the truth of Torah will be preserved for this and many generations into the future. 

The Guard Stands in Vain; A Defense of "Thoughts and Prayers"

Reflections on rising Anti-Christian and antisemitic violence in light of the assassination of Charlie Kirk. 

Two weeks ago, on the morning of August 27th, a mass shooting occurred at the Church of the Annunciation in the Windom neighborhood of Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States. The attack took place during a scheduled school-wide Mass attended by the students and faculty of Annunciation Catholic School. People of all religious backgrounds received this news in horror and shock; how could a place of prayer being targeted and such a painful tragedy take place in a house of worship? Incidents like this challenge our faith that ours is a God that rewards the righteous and punishes the wicked. 

The fact that this horrific assault took place in America's heartland questions our belief in the country as a place for Freedom of Worship and a safe haven for the virtuous and the persecuted. After centuries of unspeakable violence between various religions and within religions the founders finally made a declaration that all people of virtue are born with a God given right to pursue their conscience and serve God as they understand him and in accordance with what he demands of them. These battles included nomadic pagan tribes,  Catholics and Muslims during the crusades, Catholics and Protestants following the reformation, during many British rebellions and counter rebellions, to name a few examples. America was the great hope for humanity, for people of conviction and for a world that allows for of coexistence.

For me, this most recent church shooting and the assassination of Charlie Kirk were in some ways more painful than Jewish targeted violence. Just two days earlier, six religious jews were murdered in my city, Jerusalem, at an intersection that I myself have passed through many times. These were people from my community and my faith. So I wondered why the public execution of a Christian martyr hit me so close to home. I guess it is because I feel like antisemitism is not new, we expect it, whereas this atrocity seemed to be an all out war on God. It was a call to eradicate the possibility and mere notion that a faithful and Godly person can walk the earth. It dawned on me that if religious motivated violence has spread to Christian children and preachers than we are really in trouble; if Catholic schoolkids and a pundit such as Charlie Kirk are not safe - where does that leave us? 

I don't draw these conclusions lightly. The recent shooting at the Annunciation church is part of a growing pattern within the context of other incidents of targeted murder and violent persecution of faithful Christians in recent history. These incidents include the Nashville shooting at The Covenent School, a Christian elementary school in Nashville on March 27th, 2023, the racist shooting at Mother Emanuel Church during a bible study meeting in Charlston, South Carolina June 17th, 2015 and the deadliest mass shooting at an American place of worship that took place at the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas on November 5th, 2017. Though I reject the Christian theology regarding the nature of God, I feel it is my duty to speak up because there is something dark and evil when anyone is murdered for daring to serve God and all of us who live faith based lives must stand in solidarity against this.

What was especially appalling was the response of left-wing politicians and commentators who took the opportunity of children being murdered during prayer to denounce prayer and people of faith who live their lives centered on prayer. Before the condition of the victims or the number of survivors were even known they preemptively attacked conservatives for the commonly used phrase of "thoughts and prayers"  in response to moments such as these. There is a time for analysis and a time for action, but when the dead are still lying in a pool of blood and the living are barely hanging on, reflection and prayer is all we can offer as we stand in hope for the best possible outcome. 

Here are some of the vile comments spoken, tweeted and shared.

Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey: “Don’t just say this is about thoughts and prayers right now, these kids were literally praying. It was the first week of school, they were in a church.”

Jen Psaki: "Prayers is not freaking enough. Prayers does not end school shootings. Prayers do not make parents feel safe sending their kids to school. Prayer does not bring these kids back. Enough with the thoughts and prayers."

Gavin Newsom: “These children were literally praying as they got shot at.”

There is one defense to their mindset and this is the response that Psaki herself shared on her show. Imagine standing in front of a high rise fire where people are trapped inside and the firefighter is kneeling in prayer instead of going inside. Alternatively, a reckless teenager drives way beyond the speed limit without a seatbelt but justifies this behavior saying, "I said the blessing of a traveler so God will protect me on my journey". 

There is a time and a place for prayer but God also demands action, especially in protection of the innocent. For example, in Judaism it is a sin to build a porch or a rooftop without a proper gate or guardrail. When Rabbi Machlis, a well known Rabbi in Jerusalem, heard from his granddaughter and her husband that the Grand Canyon has insufficient bannisters and railing support for hikers and visitors, he insisted that we immediately find the contact information for the Government office responsible for maintaining that Park and then asked for my assistance to draft and send a strongly worded letter urging them to fix this oversight immediately. 

We all agree that action must be taken to prevent school shootings, but feirce debate rings out every time this happens regarding what that action should look like. For democrats, the answer is legislation regarding gun ownership.  Democrat politicians and activists hold strong political beliefs regarding gun control; they want to see severe limits placed on the Second Amendment. One can guess or speculate their true motives and still agree that the high incidence of mass shootings in the US, especially in schools, is reprehensible. Every time there is a mass shooting they renew their calls for more restrictive gun laws; efforts that prove futile every time because this language only galvanizes gun rights activists and causes an increase in gun purchases and ownership. 

What is truly pathetic is that their thinking is totally backwards. Charlie Kirk was murdered in a gun-free zone. There was another attempted mass shooting in a church that was thwarted because parishioners were law-abiding gun owners. In the recent terrorist attack in Jerusalem that took the lives of 6 passengers, the terrorists were neutralized by an off-duty cop and a gun-carrying civilian. Sick and evil people walk the earth and I feel very safe in Jerusalem knowing that the city is literally saturated with guns. I once volunteered in the NICU and noticed that a Dad of one of the preemies came to visit his baby with a gun on his hip. A nurse on the post-surgical ward when I was recently hospitalized also walked around on duty with a gun. People travel the bus, go to synagogue, shop for groceries openly carrying a gun. Good people with guns cannot prevent evil acts but they can thwart them, minimize the damage and serve as a deterrent. 

In the two weeks between the school shooting and the assassination of Charlie Kirk, I thought a lot about this topic and had many ideas and suggestions for Christians in America and how they must improve the security around their churches and schools. And while I am not negating the importance of such actions I realize now how backwards this conversation has become. Think of it in the Jewish context: Jewish men must pray in a quorum three times a day, hence a "synagogue" can be the conference room in an office building, the boarding gate in an airport or even a hallway in an arcade or a mall. 

While I totally encourage law-abiding people of faith to consider weapons training, gun ownership and volunteering to provide security for their local schools and houses of worship this is not a feasible answer. Nor should it be. We cannot normalize a world where political violence against conservatives or the targeted killing of people of faith is acceptable. 

What is even more critical to understand is that on our own we are helpless to the forces of evil. God alone can protect us. In Psalms 127 we acknowledge that if God does not protect the city the Guard stands in vain on his post - hence the title for this article. Charlie Kirk lived and breathed this chapter. He built a political empire and at every opportunity he gave all the glory to God. "If God does not build the house his children toiled for naught."

So even if we agreed with the gun control agenda there is no excuse to diminish prayer and there was a justifiable backlash against this demeaning rhetoric. Amongst the responses, Vice President Vance posted on X: "Why do you feel the need to attack other people for praying when kids were just killed praying?" 

Karoline Levvitt responded to the criticism of "thoughts and prayers" from the White House podium: “I saw the comments of Ms. Psaki and frankly I think they're incredibly insensitive and disrespectful to the tens of millions of Americans of faith across this country who believe in the power of prayer, who believe that prayer works.”

But there is a glaring contradiction that they did raise - a question that begs an answer: how can we believe in prayer when children were killed in a church and prayer did not help them? Two conflicts must be resolved here. First is how can a loving God allow evil to happen; how can bad things happen to good people? The second, does prayer have the ability to effect change - what can it really accomplish?

I believe that we need to ask what is the purpose and the goal of prayer to understand its power. Something can only be judged if it works if we know what is the goal and the yardstick by which it should be measured. I want to start by examining the word "prayer," which in Hebrew is Lehitpalel, a reflexive verb. Prayer is a form of introspection, looking inward. The root of the word is Palel, which means to judge. Prayer is an opportunity for self-analysis and self-evaluation. 

This explanation is a start but is wholly insufficient. Why do we need God in the equation? Is prayer just a spiritual or formulaic version of meditation? No. Another meaning of the word is to beg. Prayer is not just about reflection, it is also supplication.

 Psalms 27 is a chapter I and most orthodox Jews say every day this month in the weeks leading up to Rosh Hashono - in this chapter is a classical verse: One thing I ask of God this I will request, to dwell in the house of the lord all the days of my life. We see from this verse that prayer definitely includes supplication, asking God to give us our wants and needs; yet through the meditative process of standing before God and articulating our wishes and hopes we clarify to ourselves that which is most important to us. 

One of the most iconic and pivotal moments in Jewish history that define Zionism as an integral part of Judaism is when Moses stood before God and desperately pleaded that he be allowed to experience just one moment in the hold land. An entire Parsha (Torah portion), Vaeschanan, derives its name from Moses' entreaties before God to enter Eretz Yisrael. Vaeschanan translated means I will plead before God. Moses prayed and God said no.

 So here lies the deeply mystifying paradox. Why is it that when we pray, God ignores us? This seems to be proof that there is no God at all. 

Julius Cis gave a profound answer to both of the above mentioned questions when he participated in a conversation with Christians on the nature and belief in Jesus Christ as the son of God. While he demonstrated deep respect for Christians and encouraged them in their faith he advocated that Jewish people reject the trinity and follow our tradition on the nature and unity of God. 

He was asked, how can you view God as loving when he destroyed the world with a flood? He responded that God did not destroy the world, he preserved it. He saved Noah and his sons because they proved to be the only people on earth that had any semblance of righteousness he also saved every species and his desire was to eradicate an immense amount of evil that was in the world and started  fresh so he didn't destroy the world.

"The world was on on on the brink of Destruction. God does not want to see evil in this world and he makes it clear in the Bible that those people who conduct themselves in way that are awful and mean and vicious and crude some of them sometimes deserving of death as a punishment of their deeds now we have to understand God who gives us his law must know ultimately what is right and wrong and I'm not going to question God's reasons for doing things I'm just going to thank God that he's given us ability to know who he is through his Bible."

This sheds light on why do bad things happen in the world. But what about God saying no to our prayers? His response changed my entire perspective on life, an impact that has stuck with me ever since. 

He said: "When you flip a coin and you pray to God in the name of Jesus Christ that it be heads and its heads was it Christ that answered it and if it lands on tails was it Christ that answered that? Or is there not a possibility in life that certain things will happen regardless of your prayers? 

The idea of prayers is to give a person faith in the God-given ability to make the right decisions we do not hope that the right things will fall into place all the time. God gave us the freedom of choice to choose between good and evil and we must be able to make those choices. Granted, God wants us to pray. He wants us to seek his guidance in every way; both Jew and non-jew to seek him, to love him and to put him in our lives. But to think that certain prayers are answered and therefore Jesus is in your life and then if certain prayers aren't answered does that mean Jesus isn't your life isn't the issue - because life deals three blows: yes no and maybe. And that doesn't necessarily mean always that Jesus answers your prayers."

What Julius was saying is that turning to God in prayer gives you the clarity and courage to make the right choices in life. 

Before we explore real world examples where this played out I want to share the story of a fictional character, Maritza Cruz, in the TV show "Third Watch." This show portrays the lives of NY cops, paramedics and firefights who worked out of a station on the corner of King and Arthur. Seargent Cruz, as she was referred, was small and petite but as fierce as they come. She never shied away from a fight and refused to ever be seen as weak or vulnerable.

During her training in the police academy, if they wanted her to climb a 50 foot wall she practiced until she could climb one double the size. She failed to save her sister from addiction and instead she overdosed in her arms. Undeterred she crossed rooftops, went undercover and made a deal with the devil to bring the dealers to justice. Another time her entire team blew up in front of her in an ambush, she survived because her officer jumped on top of her seconds before the explosion. Before the day was done she uncovered the identity of the mastermind and singlehandedly confronted him and cuffed him in his own penthouse. 

Maritza was a force of nature and refused to compromise on her singlehanded quest to protect the innocent and rid the world of evil. Her only rule was that she could never ever be seen as weak or vulnerable. When she was assaulted posing as a prostitute undercover she had to be dragged to the hospital for witness collection and tried every possible recourse to bring the assailant to justice without having to reveal herself as the victim. When the truth did come out she insisted that her colleagues and subordinates not treat her any different and refused any gesture of sympathy.

If a witness refused to give up the identity and location of a shooter she threatened to plant drugs on him  and he knew it wasn't an empty threat. There was no barrier she couldn't level and no ethical line that she wasn't willing to cross. She was your perfect antihero. 

Until the day she came face to face with an obstacle she could tackle on her own: leukemia. She threw the test results into the river and just cried as she stared over the railing at the water. Her doctor tried to convince her to start chemo and was perplexed at her refusal. Her gums were bleeding so badly she had to miss a stakeout. A prisoner she was interrogating called her out on it. "That's nasty, he said, when he saw blood pouring out of her mouth. Again, she brushed away tears as she drove away, noticing simple scenes of every day life happening around her: a mom crossing the street with her child, a young couple greeting each other. There was a medication that could give her the chance to live so she too could have the opportunity for these experiences but she wouldn't take it. She would not and could not ever risk being weak or vulnerable. 

In a subsequent episode she meets a Santeria pastor. She tells him how she saw women being hurt and mistreated and despised them for turning to prayer and waiting for help that never came. Prayer stood against her entire life trajectory; she became a cop so she would be the solution and provide the protection that these women were lacking. 

"These women lit a candle and that is what brought you into their lives, to help them. Maybe you came along as an answer to their prayers." Through conversation and encouragement the pastor introduced her to God and to the healing nature of prayer. The next day she revealed to a fellow officer that she chose to get help and would soon be starting chemotherapy. Faith in God and turning to him gave her the courage to face her deepest fear; it gave her the strength to allow herself to become weak and vulnerable. 

Back to the world of reality, real people in the here and now. Prayer is what sustains people of faith through happy times and the large and small challenges of life. Choosing a career, standing up for one's principles, navigating college and higher education, getting married and raising children all require resilience an determination. Pro-life activists are a testament to the supernatural power of prayer. They faced a congress that was uninterested in taking up this issue on both sides of the aisle and a precedent in the Supreme Court. Reversing course on the cultural and legal attitudes towards abortion seemed impossible. Yet year by year the pro-life March became larger and larger as more voices joined in prayer once a year in D.C. proclaiming the truth about life in the womb. Groups such as "forty days of prayer" galvanized activists in the movement until the fateful day that a Supreme Court decision was overturned without a shot being fired. This is in contrast to the Dredd Scott decision on slavery that was repealed only after a bloody civil war. Today, according to some polls, the number of Americans who identify as pro-life is on the rise. Prayer shifted an entire society and political landscape. 

Psalms, daily devotionals, formulaic supplications for various moments and spontaneous utterances in quiet or out loud are some of the ways through with human beings reach out to God in happy times and darker times in history. The experience of Jews during the Holocaust is a testament to the ability of Human Beings to be uplifted through prayer in even the most horrifying circumstances. When all of their humanity was stripped of them, standing naked and with shaven heads, they held onto their dignity.

 In 1939, just before the Nazi invasion, Rabbi Wasserman returned to Poland to be with his students and he was ultimately murdered by the Nazis in the Holocaust. He led his students in prayer and together they faced certain death with the words "Shema Yisrael" on their lips. The courage to choose to leave the safety of America and return to a war zone is only possible knowing there is a God above who held his hand up until his last breath. Prayer transformed Rabbi Wasserman, his students and so many Jews across generations from victims into martyrs. 

But facing death with bravery is one thing. The greater mystery to me are the people who rebuilt after everything precious had been stolen from them.  One of the greatest examples is the story of the Klausenburger Rebbe, Rabbi Yekusiel Yehuda Halberstam. After losing his wife and eleven children he rebuilt a Hassidic dynasty in America and Israel, established a hospital the Laniado Hospital in Netanya and established numerous other institutions for Holocaust survivors and the Jewish community. What is most mystifying of all his post-war accomplishments is that he had the courage to remarry and have seven more children. I was so enamored by his story that I traveled to Netanya several years ago for the express purpose of visiting the hospital that was built by this giant of a person. 

Prayer was so integral to his existence that when he met with General Eisenhower in the Feldafing DP camp in 1945 all he asked for was a Jeep for his use in helping others and sets of the "Daled Minim" (four species) so he could make the blessings with them during the upcoming Sukkot holiday. Back when he was a prisoner in the concentration  camp he was shot in his arm. He knew that he could not go to the infirmary for care - it was not a health care facility it was a factory of death. As he tended to the wound he cried out to God and made a bargain: if I survive this hellhole I will immigrate to Israel and I will establish a hospital that will defy that Nazi ideology of death and destruction as it will be a medical facility based on Godly values of the worth and dignity of the person. Fueled by the memory of this prayer he turned down the convenience and comfort of a life in NY and continued on to Israel, a then unestablished third world country. He pushed passed bureaucratic hurdles, lack of funding and numerous other obstacles. Today Laniado is a premiere destination for birth and other medical procedures nationwide and Klausenburg has become a name that is recognized worldwide.  

I have experienced and directly witnessed this power in my own life. When my son was four years old I left him due to a mental illness. I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. Actually, it was many hospitalizations over that summer followed by a year of outpatient care that failed to help me. Eventually I deteriorated so much I fell into a deep depression, went into isolation and completely disconnected from the world for many years. As I was emerging from the depression (around eight years ago) I started to reach out and reconnect with my sisters, but I did not feel I was deserving of a relationship with my son. I had abandoned him. I wondered if he would even want to have a relationship with me anymore. My aunt who was raising him heard that I was in touch with my sisters but was avoiding communication with her or my son. She called me one day to let me know that if this was something I was willing to do she would support it. 

"Dina," she said. "Your son's Rebbe (teacher) told me that every day he asks his classmate to pray to God for his Mom to have a full recovery. He still misses you and is waiting for you." And that is how I knew and was encouraged to try to be a Mom again. For years since then we have had so many meaningful interactions and opportunities of love and connection which would never have come to be but for the power of prayer. 

But prayer is not just about passive acceptance limited to words and thoughts. Throughout the month of Elul we blow the shofar to inspire us to turn to God. Every Friday night women light Shabbat candles creating the unique opportunity for women to ask for blessings to fill their home. Jewish men put on Tefilin in the morning, leather boxes and straps wrapped around their hands and forehead. Several organizations and activists work tirelessly to procure and deliver these crucial articles of religious observance to soldiers in the IDF. The Bible states that this Mitzva is the greatest protection against one's enemies in war. Rabbi Breitowitz shared that many soldiers are embracing a full life of oberservance showing that God has an ironic sense of humor. Relgious factions in Israel fight feircely against the draft as they are worried that Yeshiva students will be led astray Torah observance and instead the army is possibly becoming the greatest influence to bring secular Jews to Teshuva. Such is the transformative power of prayer not just on the world stage to influence history and politics but even to change hearts and minds and radically alter an individual person's life.