I want to frame this article within the context of a series of blog posts exploring Kollel ideology and therefore ask you to see this articles as is one step in a thoughtful, multi-faceted exploration of the topic.
I plan to write a third article focusing on its positive aspects, historical context and suggestions for reform. Please see my critique as part of a broader, constructive conversation and understand that my perspective is not solely rooted in criticism but also seeks to engage with the ideals and potential of the Kollel system. While personal grievance clearly fuels me I ask you to approach my article with an open mind.
Several weeks ago I went to a Shabbat meal by a lovely young Kollel couple. I was invited along with four seminary girls. They came from the states to experience a year of living in Jerusalem and reinforcing the Torah values they had been taught back home. This woman - the lovely hostess - had reached out to me - a stranger - from the kindness of her heart. Her husband is a dedicated Torah scholar; having learned in his youth in an elite Torah institution he continues to dedicate himself fulltime to the pursuit of Torah knowledge. This lifestyle requires a shared commitment and partnership considering the financial and practical implications involved. Towards the ends of the meal I praised her and expressed my deep appreciation for her initiative and hospitality. I wish my actions reflected my words and the respect and admiration I felt.
At the beginning of the Shabbat seudah one of the Seminary girls commented how her seminary has already begun to "brainwash" them into adopting a Kollel lifestyle, a path that she does not wish to follow. I was impressed by her insight and courage. I felt jealous as she had an awareness that I discovered too late. A protective motherly instinct welled up inside me not just for these impressionable sweet girls but for the little girl inside me who was led astray to a path of confusion, conformity and limitation. I launched into a passionate discussion as to the evil nature of the lofty and noble lifestyle that my hosts lead. I tried to give a fair shake to both sides and was inspired by the perspective they shared - when I let them get in a word in edgewise.
Having let my emotions get the best of me I don't think I accomplished the goal I had intended. All I really left with was shame and regret that I ruined an amazing opportunity for friendship and community. This encounter inspired a deeper exploration of the issues, something that had been on my mind for a while and I had been putting off. This conversation is long overdue but I am certainly not approaching it by way of apology or justification. Whatever trauma I have experienced it is not my intention to dump this baggage onto others. Rather, through my personal experiences, I came to recognize certain systemic issues within the modern Kollel movement.
These experiences became the impetus for my exploration of how this ideology impacts individuals and communities. By sharing my story, I hope to illuminate these challenges and spark a conversation about how we can address them constructively. I am not here to fix the system or offer solutions. I am here to tell my story, to give voice to the pain and anger that has consumed me, and to help others see and feel the reality of what I’ve endured. What happened to me is not an isolated incident. It is a symptom of deeper issues within the Kollel ideology that have caused harm to many others.
I am not sure that merely writing about clarifying my thoughts and expressing my emotions regarding the Kollel practice can calm the burning fire simmering inside me. This blind and visceral hatred prevents me from approaching any new experience with intentionality, openness, curiosity or even joy. It is clear that I can no longer avoid coming to terms with the roots and implications of what the Kollel movement means to me seeing how this rage consumes me.
It is so important to me to get this right and I have been experiencing tremendous writers block grappling with the enormity of this topic. I tried to use AI for this article - it was a bizarre experience arguing theology with a robot. Rabbi Coopersmith's Alter ego was helpful in sourcing and in engaging with rigorous critique of the inconsistencies and dangers posed by this ideology. Still, I am struggling to give expression to my thoughts. Reflecting on the consequential and deeply personal implications of this article I found myself spending several minutes pondering and deliberating the wording of just the title.
"The edge of the abyss" means being on the verge of a very dangerous, threatening, or critical situation. This can be a literal geographical chasm or a metaphorical state of crisis, such as financial ruin, despair, or extreme uncertainty. This imagery is spot on for me - being brainwashed into this misguided ideology has led me to the edge of heresy. I nearly abandoned Judaism and even stepped passed the threshold of lucidity and nihilism. I still flail about in attempt in search of a clarity that seems ever beyond my grasp.
Before I dive in I ask that you keep an open mind to what I have to say. While I do see the Kollel in a very negative light it is my wish to impress upon the community to see these dangers as a five alarm fire and recognize that damage of this magnitude will lead to a cascade of negative consequences to the larger Jewish community. I am not here to demonize orthodox Jews or destroy the fabric of society that gives many people hope and purpose. I hope to give a fair shake to both perspectives on this topic and in doing so stay true to the pursuit of truth. I ask adherents to this worldview to keep an open mind and acknowledge the sinister underbelly that must be rooted out lest it cause even more heartache and devastation to young women like it did to me.
I hesitated to share my opinion because I am no longer an active member of this community but stepping outside these systems perhaps gives me a clearer perspective. Sometimes, it’s easier to see the flaws and challenges in a system when you’re no longer immersed in them. So I have some to realize that even from the outside my voice matters. Raising awareness about these issues—whether through conversations, writing, or other means—can help create the transparency and accountability that’s so desperately needed.
While researching this topic I framed the discussion by characterizing Kollel as an ideology. Therefore, in the pursuit of clarity and truth, I explored the historical origins of the Kollel practice and where it took a turn from the Torah ideals that undergird this system. However, I would not be doing it justice to confine this conversation to an academic discussion based on ideas, sources and facts because it is my experiences with this practice and the people who advocate for this lifestyle that has shaped my negative perspective on Kollel and developed a burning anger and hatred of these people. It is the long winded arc of being introduced then rejected and then coming full circle to being reembraced by Kollel people that can convey the complexity and nuance of what this worldview means to me.
While the Kollel lifestyle aspires to noble ideals, in practice, it has often led to harm and disillusionment. Based on my experience I feel that the Kollel mindset leads to abuse and depression; a perspective that has led me to conclude that while the Kollel lifestyle appears innocent and even lofty it has lost its way. It is no longer about a shared communal project, mutual respect, a shared sense of responsibility or even about dedication to torah learning.
The modern iteration of the Kollel system has become about status and ego. To me it is a dark, deceptive and sinister ideology that has destroyed many young lives. When ideals—no matter how noble—lead to real-world harm it’s a sign that something has gone deeply awry in its application. Torah values are meant to uplift and bring balance, not to crush or harm. If the Kollel mindset, as it’s being lived out in certain communities, is causing such damage, it’s essential to confront these realities with honesty and courage.
My personal wish is to find peace from the inner turmoil and torment I wrestle with related to this topic. I am sharing it with the public to offer solidarity and support for others who have had similar experiences - you are not alone. It is my fervent wish for this article to spark reflection and conversation amongst teachers, adherents, supporters and community leaders; a conversation that can create the change that can minimize these harms moving forward and develop a value system and a culture that is conducive to prosperity and human flourishing. This vision will restore the Torah to be the guide for living in this modern world that it was always meant to be.
My aim is to do so while still respecting the ideals that Kollel life aspires to embody. The key would be to present my experience in a way that invites reflection and accountability, rather than defensiveness. The challenge to that is that my mind is so clouded on this topic by the suffering I have endured and the constant pain I live with as a result. I am being honest about the bias with which I approach this topic so that I can share my opinion with authenticity while also doing so in a way that keeps the door open for honesty and reflection from the readers who may be taken aback my harsh assessment of a way of life that they hold dear.
When I express my critique of the Kollel movement I am often told that "there are challenges within the system." This is not about systemic challenges. It is real world harms. It is infuriating to hear the excuse and explanation that the injustice I experienced and I take deep issue with the phrase "systemic pressures". These were real people. Individuals who made deliberate choices based on an ideology they believed in. Framing is in the context of a "system" takes away the blame for the people who behaved badly and for the ideas and beliefs that guided their actions.
What is more is that my story is unique. There are people will criticize me and say that I am an outlier and that his just happened to me. I am not a data point or a statistic. I fell between the cracks. That statement is true, but so is my story. It is a reality that cannot be ignored. The reality and the impact of the Kollel ideology on my story reveals not only the cracks in the system but also the sinister values embedded within the ideology itself. I refuse to stand silent about an ideology that has led to and allowed such a tragedy to happen.
By sharing my experience, I'm not just telling my story—I'm holding up a mirror to the ideology and the individuals who perpetuated it. Yes, people may claim it’s an isolated case, but the very fact that it happened at all demands introspection. As someone who has experienced these harms firsthand and seen the negative impact from many others as well I know that my voice is crucial in this conversation. By sharing my story I can shine a light on these harms.
Some of these harms include the financial and social pressures and the development of an unhealthy sense of codependence that is fostered when a woman is led to believe that all her sense of self worth and value is tied to the choices and actions of her husband. This is not the intention of the Torah philosophy that sees marriage as a partnership of equals. For me to explain how I have come to such a negative conclusion on the modern Kollel movement I would have to go back to when I was a preteen when my family moved to Israel shortly before my bas mitzva and then the years I grew up as a teenager in the newly developing Ramat Beit Shemesh.
The end result of my upbringing was to be set up for failure - to see the world with a constricted vision. I was conditioned to accept that my destiny was to live a life of compromise. When contemplating beliefs or dreams regarding a career or what mother I wanted to be - there was no path forward where I wouldn't be crossing some spoken or unspoken rule. Juggling various responsibilities to find a way to make it work, that discussion was not offered. The only option offered was to sacrifice one principle or another; committing a fatal error seemed unavoidable. The dilemma I faced was not between right and wrong it was between betraying my religious precepts or abandoning basic responsibilities that reality mandates.
What I wish for young Jewish girls 18, 19 that I meet is that they should feel that the sky is the limit. To see the years ahead of them as full of opportunity and promise. Instead, what I was told is that my duty was to abandon my values and that any sort of ambition was immature, narcissistic and unrealistic. That is why I ask that you consider the ramifications of what happened to me and that you consider what reforms and measures must be taken so that we protect our precious sons and daughters and ensure that the truth of Torah will be preserved for this and many generations into the future.
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