I want to make it clear to Jewish readers that I in no way advocate for any Hashkafa or lifestyle that is against Torah and Mitzva observant Judaism. While I am still on a journey with regard to religious observance and understanding what the Torah commands of me in my life, I consider my spiritual advisors to include Rebetzin Devorah Eisenbach from Aish Hatorah, Rabbi Yitchack Breitowitz of Or Sameach, Rabbi Eytan Kobre from Rockaway, NY, Rabbi Mordechai Machles from Maalot Dafna and my partner in Torah with whom I study the Kuzari - I will not mention her name or location to protect her privacy as she is not a public figure.
The opinions expressed are entirely my own, though I strive to present a worldview that is in line with the beliefs of these dear teachers and mentors. Sometimes they read my work and this makes me even more cognizant during the writing process to produce articles that I will be proud for them to see. I am grateful to these teachers and mentors for their wisdom and counsel. I also want to acknowledge and thank my son for being my "source" inside the Yeshiva system; providing me with constant updates on attitudes, insights and "hock". I am gratified to have his support for my work as a speech therapist and for my writing endeavors. I thank him for encouraging me to always write with integrity and to openly and honestly share what is on my heart.
Conflict, Consternation & Chaos
I have great respect for people who dedicate their lives to Torah learning and Mitzva observance and I am honored to consider myself part of the larger community of orthodox Judaism. I will admit that I have a personal bias. My dear son is a student in an elite Torah institution and I fully support the path he is on, his commitment to his Talmudic studies and his ambition to achieve great depth and breadth of Torah knowledge. This bias is why I have a positive regard for תלמידי חכמים and those who support Torah learning and Jewish education.
The Torah teaches us that those who dedicate their lives to Torah study are following in the footsteps of יששכר whose symbol was that of a donkey - an animal iconic for it's ability to carry a yoke. This Shevet carried the burden of preserving Torah knowledge and practice for the entire Jewish people.
The lineage of the Yeshiva student goes as far back as Yeshivas Shem v'Ever where our forefather Yaakov studied on his way to Charan. The more modern Yeshiva system has its roots with the illustrious Vilna Gaon and his student R' Chaim Me'Volozhin, who was also known as "Avi Hayeshivos." If there was a moment on Earth with absolutely no Torah learning the world would cease to exist. Yeshiva students and Kollel יאונגערלייט hold up the very cosmos of our existence and, it is my belief, that in the merit of Torah study Israel won the war and brought all the living hostages home on erev Simchas Torah תשפ"ו.
Growing up in the Chareidi Bais Yaakov school system, however, I was exposed to a darker side of the Kollel ideology. You can read the full story of my experience as a teenager and young adult in the Chareidi Kollel system where I, admittedly, spotlight an unfair focus on the impact that "the modern iteration of Kollel ideology" as I call it, had on me. I acknowledge that there were many other factors that led to the suffering that I experienced; a myriad of factors led to the mistakes that I made and to the negative consequences and the mental illness that developed as a result.
What happened, is that I was brainwashed throughout my teenage years and then coerced into a marriage as a young adult that was wrong for me. When I reached out for help, I was bullied and shamed not to leave. By the time I did leave, I was a few months pregnant and even then I had to go against the and condemnation from family, friends and prominent Rabbis and community leaders warning me not to get a divorce. During the dating process and the traditionally short engagement, I raised many reservations and concerns - but I was persuaded and coerced into moving forward. Lacking a backbone or the knowledge of how to even think for myself I allowed myself to be swept along. I got married and after five torturous months I realized that my health and my wellbeing was in jeopardy. Now that I had a child on the way that I was responsible for I finally found the courage to do what I knew was right.
Growing up in the Chareidi Bais Yaakov school system, however, I was exposed to a darker side of the Kollel ideology. You can read the full story of my experience as a teenager and young adult in the Chareidi Kollel system where I, admittedly, spotlight an unfair focus on the impact that "the modern iteration of Kollel ideology" as I call it, had on me. I acknowledge that there were many other factors that led to the suffering that I experienced; a myriad of factors led to the mistakes that I made and to the negative consequences and the mental illness that developed as a result.
What happened, is that I was brainwashed throughout my teenage years and then coerced into a marriage as a young adult that was wrong for me. When I reached out for help, I was bullied and shamed not to leave. By the time I did leave, I was a few months pregnant and even then I had to go against the and condemnation from family, friends and prominent Rabbis and community leaders warning me not to get a divorce. During the dating process and the traditionally short engagement, I raised many reservations and concerns - but I was persuaded and coerced into moving forward. Lacking a backbone or the knowledge of how to even think for myself I allowed myself to be swept along. I got married and after five torturous months I realized that my health and my wellbeing was in jeopardy. Now that I had a child on the way that I was responsible for I finally found the courage to do what I knew was right.
I have been told many times that leaving a situation that was wrong for me has tremendous value regardless of what followed. I find it hard to congratulate myself considering that what followed included: abandoning my child, succumbing to depression, losing my speech therapy license, leading a dysfunctional and unproductive life for many years and countless suicide attempts.
While I remain in doubt as to the sum virtue of my choices what is clear to me is that the brainwashing and the bullying I experienced was not just wrong- it was evil. Yes, I made some bad choices. I wasn't perfect. But the environment I was raised in and the ideology that I was taught is dangerous and unacceptable. In other articles I will address the critiques I have for the Kollel and Bais Yaakov systems and my recommendations for reform. I am sharing my story with you at this time to share my journey coming to terms with the conflicting feelings of both affection and hatred that I feel towards Kollel people.
Considering the relentless onslaught of these ideas on my developing psyche I will be honest about how I feel when I think of an orthodox Jewish man. I experience the same emotional reaction that I heard Megyn Kelly describe when reporting on Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is a misogynist who operates a pimping website and advocates beating women and expressing pride in your manhood through engaging in the degrading subjugation of women. That is how I feel about orthodox Rabbis. I get a twist in my stomach when I think of an orthodox man.
(These feelings have also evolved as a result of the subsequent fear mongering from Rabbis when I sought a divorce - threatening me with damnation and the burden of sin should I choose to say no to a situation that I knew so clearly to be wrong.)
I recall when I first met my neighbors in French Hill - they are very kind people with a generous open home. I was tired of being bored and lonely on Friday nights and asked to join them. I got there before shul ended and just his nod as he said hello made my stomach twist. Despite the fear of the danger they posed to me I am glad I took that risk. Meeting them changed my life.
Over time I became best friends with his wife. Though she is the one who hosts me for shabbat meals and is married to the Torah scholar she treats me like I am a Rebbetzin, respecting the knowledge and expertise that I can offer. Despite my limited level of religious observance and mental health issues they hired me to be their son's speech therapist. This spurred me to open a private practice and develop my skills as a competent professional. I gained confidence in the belief that I had something of value to contribute to the world.
I also developed a relationship with a young Kollel couple the next neighborhood over. We have a connection from back home and it was just easier to develop a friendship with her based on our shared background than to develop a new social network.
While I remain in doubt as to the sum virtue of my choices what is clear to me is that the brainwashing and the bullying I experienced was not just wrong- it was evil. Yes, I made some bad choices. I wasn't perfect. But the environment I was raised in and the ideology that I was taught is dangerous and unacceptable. In other articles I will address the critiques I have for the Kollel and Bais Yaakov systems and my recommendations for reform. I am sharing my story with you at this time to share my journey coming to terms with the conflicting feelings of both affection and hatred that I feel towards Kollel people.
Considering the relentless onslaught of these ideas on my developing psyche I will be honest about how I feel when I think of an orthodox Jewish man. I experience the same emotional reaction that I heard Megyn Kelly describe when reporting on Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is a misogynist who operates a pimping website and advocates beating women and expressing pride in your manhood through engaging in the degrading subjugation of women. That is how I feel about orthodox Rabbis. I get a twist in my stomach when I think of an orthodox man.
(These feelings have also evolved as a result of the subsequent fear mongering from Rabbis when I sought a divorce - threatening me with damnation and the burden of sin should I choose to say no to a situation that I knew so clearly to be wrong.)
I recall when I first met my neighbors in French Hill - they are very kind people with a generous open home. I was tired of being bored and lonely on Friday nights and asked to join them. I got there before shul ended and just his nod as he said hello made my stomach twist. Despite the fear of the danger they posed to me I am glad I took that risk. Meeting them changed my life.
Over time I became best friends with his wife. Though she is the one who hosts me for shabbat meals and is married to the Torah scholar she treats me like I am a Rebbetzin, respecting the knowledge and expertise that I can offer. Despite my limited level of religious observance and mental health issues they hired me to be their son's speech therapist. This spurred me to open a private practice and develop my skills as a competent professional. I gained confidence in the belief that I had something of value to contribute to the world.
I also developed a relationship with a young Kollel couple the next neighborhood over. We have a connection from back home and it was just easier to develop a friendship with her based on our shared background than to develop a new social network.
Another Kollel family entrusted me with the safety of their preemie and gave me the privilege of taking care of him in the NICU. They needed the help what with an older daughter and the newborn twin back at home. These friendships were really painful and complicated to me - constantly fearing rejection, always on guard and suspicious of their words and their actions. Carrying with me to every interaction the awareness in the back of my head that these people disrespect me and look at me in judgement. I tried really hard to make friends through a secular organization, Hillel, but nothing stuck. So my social circle continued to be exclusively Chareidi families in Jerusalem.
It was so painful for me to be constantly surrounded by people I loved and deeply cared about but served to me as a constant symbol of rejection. I hated everything they stood for but they were my friends and I wasn't willing to give up these friendships over ideological difference. I still join their shul on chag, yet I feel no joy in the dancing, no connection to the community and to the shared mission their celebration stands for.
It was so painful for me to be constantly surrounded by people I loved and deeply cared about but served to me as a constant symbol of rejection. I hated everything they stood for but they were my friends and I wasn't willing to give up these friendships over ideological difference. I still join their shul on chag, yet I feel no joy in the dancing, no connection to the community and to the shared mission their celebration stands for.
It has no meaning for me because I feel so disconnected. What part do I have in it? My friends, my community and my own family are perpetuating a system that I have only experienced as deeply corrosive - and dare I say - anti-human.
Intellectually I can see how my friends found a balance in the competing responsibilities and ideals but I feel forever stuck as I can't walk away but I can't wash away the raging negative emotions that shadow every interaction and thought I have with them. For a while, I disconnected from everyone. Retreated again into a depression. For a long time -once for a five year period and more recently for a time frame that lasted around a year - I went into isolation and avoided all social interaction or any sense of functionality and had many many suicide attempts. That got me nowhere.
One situation did move the needle but I only realized it when I heard the story of Adriana/Adina, a Christian girl who converted to Judaism after working as the #non-Jewish nanny for orthodox children in Boca Raton. I realized that I had a work experience similar to hers.
I had been working in an early childhood clinic in Arnona providing speech therapy to children from diverse backgrounds. Then this one boy came and his father - with his black pants, black Kippah and starched white shirt - was the perfect embodiment of all the people who had so betrayed and hurt me all those years ago. It was painful for me to work with his child when doing so required sitting side by side with what felt to me the person who had caused me life lasting wounds. Not him, but in my heart it felt one and the same.
What was even more jarring was the deep respect with which he treated me. Not just polite but seeking my unique insight and wisdom. How could someone who considers me an outcast and a heretic be asking me to give him guidance? From the toys he should purchase to the formation of the tongue for the production of various sounds he hung onto every word. His wife - when was able to come - was even worse. The judgement and coercion from woman had been the nail on the coffin. From the stylish wig to her sweet demeanor she seemed to be oozing contempt. So I assumed. Everything about her reminded me of this deeply ingrained feeling of rejection. Yet her actions did not match that and I constantly had this feeling like I was in some kind of "twilight zone".
I was professional and never shared with anyone how I felt. It was such a pleasure to work with dedicated parents who not only appreciated my expertise but were partners in my efforts. To see their son flourish was a joy as a clinician and when I can see a direct result and benefit from my work not just on the child but on the entire family unit that always gave me so much satisfaction. This incongruence between the courtesy they showed to me and the wholesomeness in how they treated their child - it scattered my preconceived notions of Kollel people. I reached out to them a few years later on a different topic and they expressed to me the lasting impact I had on their child but they will never know the impact they had on my life.
Intellectually I can see how my friends found a balance in the competing responsibilities and ideals but I feel forever stuck as I can't walk away but I can't wash away the raging negative emotions that shadow every interaction and thought I have with them. For a while, I disconnected from everyone. Retreated again into a depression. For a long time -once for a five year period and more recently for a time frame that lasted around a year - I went into isolation and avoided all social interaction or any sense of functionality and had many many suicide attempts. That got me nowhere.
One situation did move the needle but I only realized it when I heard the story of Adriana/Adina, a Christian girl who converted to Judaism after working as the #non-Jewish nanny for orthodox children in Boca Raton. I realized that I had a work experience similar to hers.
I had been working in an early childhood clinic in Arnona providing speech therapy to children from diverse backgrounds. Then this one boy came and his father - with his black pants, black Kippah and starched white shirt - was the perfect embodiment of all the people who had so betrayed and hurt me all those years ago. It was painful for me to work with his child when doing so required sitting side by side with what felt to me the person who had caused me life lasting wounds. Not him, but in my heart it felt one and the same.
What was even more jarring was the deep respect with which he treated me. Not just polite but seeking my unique insight and wisdom. How could someone who considers me an outcast and a heretic be asking me to give him guidance? From the toys he should purchase to the formation of the tongue for the production of various sounds he hung onto every word. His wife - when was able to come - was even worse. The judgement and coercion from woman had been the nail on the coffin. From the stylish wig to her sweet demeanor she seemed to be oozing contempt. So I assumed. Everything about her reminded me of this deeply ingrained feeling of rejection. Yet her actions did not match that and I constantly had this feeling like I was in some kind of "twilight zone".
I was professional and never shared with anyone how I felt. It was such a pleasure to work with dedicated parents who not only appreciated my expertise but were partners in my efforts. To see their son flourish was a joy as a clinician and when I can see a direct result and benefit from my work not just on the child but on the entire family unit that always gave me so much satisfaction. This incongruence between the courtesy they showed to me and the wholesomeness in how they treated their child - it scattered my preconceived notions of Kollel people. I reached out to them a few years later on a different topic and they expressed to me the lasting impact I had on their child but they will never know the impact they had on my life.
I wish I could say that I have reconciled my conflicting feelings and opinions of Kollel people. I am still consumed with anger and confusion and have begun to write a series of articles on the topic of Kollel and Bais Yaakov education in an effort to find clarity and calm. Thanks to the kindness of the Kollel people I describe in this article, and some others that didn't "make the cut," the door has been opened. It's a start, and - for now - that's enough.
Forgiving, Letting Go & Moving On
To say all the abuse I experienced can be summed up by one word: Kollel, well that would be it's own form of gaslighting. The people who hurt me are evil, evil monsters who hopefully one day will go to Hell and be punished and suffer the consequences for what they have done. And continue to do. To be clear, when I refer to people who hurt me as monsters, I am not talking about Rabbis and teachers who made mistakes - because we are all human and fallible. Furthermore, I am grateful to the many Rabbis and mentors who acknowledged their mistakes, apologized and have taken actions to repair the pain and the harm that their actions have caused. I have been encouraged to forgive those who hurt me. This is because forgiving is not for the people who hurt me but rather for me. When I don't forgive, I'm holding on to the situation that I want to forget, but instead I keep thinking and living that experience. Forgiveness would allow ME to move on, to live my life, no strings attached. I can't change the past or the people that hurt me. Find a way to let it go. Be free. Move on. That's one option and something to strive for.
However, Judaism does not obligate me to forgive unrepentant perpetrators of abuse. Forgiving evil is being complicit with evil, and in Judaism, forgiveness must be earned. What I am obligated to as a Jewish woman, is to have moral clarity and recognize that the people who hurt me as a teenager and young adult do not represent the Torah. For me, I hope to find healing and discernment to not see these charlatans as representative of all Jewish Rabbis and teachers and to recognize that Judaism is not as how they taught me to see it. The truth and the beauty of Torah, Mitzvos and Emunah were hidden and distorted.
However, Judaism does not obligate me to forgive unrepentant perpetrators of abuse. Forgiving evil is being complicit with evil, and in Judaism, forgiveness must be earned. What I am obligated to as a Jewish woman, is to have moral clarity and recognize that the people who hurt me as a teenager and young adult do not represent the Torah. For me, I hope to find healing and discernment to not see these charlatans as representative of all Jewish Rabbis and teachers and to recognize that Judaism is not as how they taught me to see it. The truth and the beauty of Torah, Mitzvos and Emunah were hidden and distorted.
I do want to get rid of the anger. It consumes me and is destroying me from the inside. I believe that the reason I cannot get rid of my anger all these years later is because my rage is righteous. What happened to me was unjust, and injustice can never be accepted, ignored or forgotten. God made all this happen to me for a reason. God has called me to serve as a lighthouse - to shine a light onto the dark and choppy waters and to save fellow travelers from the perils of their journey. My life's purpose is to highlight to the Jewish community - leaders and laypeople alike - the change that is possible and offer the inspiration that can help to create a better future for my son's generation and for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to follow. I pray that God give me the wisdom and the courage to turn my personal pain into public purpose.
- If you or anyone you know experienced abuse as a child I highly recommend a Amudim and a 12-step program ASCA .
- I do not advocate for anyone to leave the Jewish community or abandon a Torah lifestyle. There is an organization that helps people who have chosen to become less observant than their parents, even if you are still somewhat religious, as i am. This organization connected me with a tutor, legal and financial advisors and a volunteer who helps me file the annual taxes for my private speech therapy practice.
- I also wrote an article describing some of the positive influence Rabbi Machles and his children had on my life. This article also describes Adina Shoshana's journey and conversion and how you can be a source of support and inspiration to others.
